Heartbreak, Panic Attacks, Depression...

Hi...I really just want some help, or opinions of anything (I'm not really sure how this works it may be long sorry). I'm a senior in highschool and I recently went through my first heartbreak, and it's a huge complicated story. Lets call the 1st guy James, I met him this year in Feburary and we became very close friends. His is still with the same girl, even before I met him (I am not a bad person, I never wanted to come between them ever). Before James, I was very innocent and kept to myself, (I'm still a virgin) but he's been my first for many things. Well in the beginning, we talked all the time and then I developed feelings for him which I confessed about a month in. We used to go to the park and cuddle, you know sweet innocent things. Well it went downhill when he became intimate with me, we left eachother and came back about 8 times total. The first time he left was beyond painful and I always felt guilty since he had a gf. Trust me, I loved him so much, I sacrificed so much and have cared, but of course I made mistakes too, I'm not perfect. Around may, he became "intimate" with me, confessing his attraction for me and he was my first kiss in June. Coming from a conservative Christian home, I always felt guilty because that wasn't the girl my parents had raised. Throughout this all, he put me down, ignored me, blamed me for his problems, and I never told him how hurt I was. I've been depressed before him and it came back when he left in July, he said we needed a break. In August he came back, but I told him I wasn't ready, as usual he didn't pay attention, but I missed him so much, but he ignored me for a couple of days. I was in so much pain, I cried and never got out of bed, I slept and never ate. I always put his happiness above my own, but in those days he ignored me, I met my first ex. I never dated james, we were a secret, he made me do a lot of things that ruined my "innocent" morals. Let's name my ex Bryan. A day after Bryan and I stared dating, James tried to text me but I ignored him. I was so furious that he went against his word! He did it again, he came back, ignored me, and made me feel like trash. So I only told him that we couldn't be friends because it would feel like I would be cheating on Bryan, I thought that was the right thing to do! That's all and he went crazy and tried to reach me and it hurt because I wanted James to fight for me before, but he chose the wrong time to do it. Well, Bryan cheated on me and ignored me for a week, so we only lasted 4 weeks. Now this was my mistake, I went back to James in hope that he would comfort me (he told my mom that he would remain caring for me). He did answer and helped a little and then we peacefully left, but it hurt. And with the past between James and I it hurt, and the stuff with Bryan made everything worse! I talked to James again a month later and I wasn't okay and I needed him. He was nice, but then he said he wanted to be faithful (which I respect) but he could only be there for me when I needed him. That's the thing, I needed him in that moment, and after Bryan I became very insecure and sad, so I cried and cried. He started blaming me for everything, saying that I seduced him (which is stupid because I was a 17yrold with ZERO experience whereas he was 20 with loads of experience!) he pressured me into a lot of things, and he said how hard it was for him to be "normal" with me and that hurt a lot. So I cried, my mom came into the room and I couldn't take it anymore, all of the tears and lies..so I told her everything. I love my mom and I understand why she got angry, but she was furious at him. She understood now why I became depressed. With me, that intimacy created a bond, and days later he left, only to come back for a day then leave again. He broke me completely and then I was having problems at school with Bryan so it didn't help.
Sometimes...I break down and I can't take it anymore. I have these little panic attacks where I can't breathe or think and it feels like I'm going to faint. I hardly eat or sleep anymore. I'm over Bryan, but I'm trying hard to forget about James. Idk why, but I just love James. Sure I'm a kid and maybe idk what it is, but I know that I sacrifiecd a lot for us to stay together, I let myself be sad so he could be happy, I never let him know that he was the cause of my unhappiness. He stole my innocence, not in sex terms, but, I'm not me anymore. I used to be so confident, but I get so insecure sometimes and sad and I feel helpless. The people I tell say to move on, but it isn't that easy. Trust me, I don't want to be with either of them anymore, that doesn't change the pain I feel. James really did mess me up, but he also helped me to overcome many things. Somedays, I feel so happy and good, but then, I just get sad. Sometimes it just comes and I cry and can't stop...I'm so messed up now. It feels like no one could ever truly care about a girl that has so much baggage, so many problems. Also, when I told my mom, she went over there and told him (James)to leave me alone forever (props to her I love her). My mom blames herself and she didn't help either, but I still love her. But I felt so guilty and tried to apologize and I wanted us to end this finally on a good note. James got furious and told me I destroyed the friendship we could of had, that i hurt him more then he ever has to me, that everything was my fault. So, I got worse again and he cut me out, I thought it was the right thing to atone for my sins, to truly make amends and leave it more peacefully, that's all I wanted. Sometimes..I see him at his work and he looks so sad and I feel so terrible. I don't know what to think sometimes, and sometimes it's really hard to breathe or sleep. Sometimes I dream of him, either good or bad, and wake up crying. I've been getting a bit better, but right now, the pain hit me hard again. This is all so much, I'm so tired, I want to forget about all of this. I've done my reaseach and those things only last for so long. please help...

A lot of people think so poorly of me after hearing this. James was the first guy I have ever been with, even as a friend! He helped me overcome my shyness, and he knows me completely. He was one of those once in a lifetime kind of people that are rare and understand you perfectly. He knew how to hurt me, he broke my trust. I was so insecure sometimes because i had that feeling like he would leave at any time. I don't know what he thinks or if he has ever had feelings. James said he has always cared, even in the bitter end he said that...

Hi LB and welcome.

I am really sorry to hear of your situation and the pain and anxiety it is causing you. I remember my first heartache, and though you are young, I understand just how real and deep your feelings are.

You deserve nothing less than a strong guy in your life who is confident in himself, and therefore can be a good boyfriend to you. Someone with a solid character will come along, and be a postive influence and add happiness to your life. It does not sound as if either of these guys fit this bill...and therefore were unworthy of your time.

I know this does not make the hurt any less for you now...but maybe it can help you to make more quality choices in the future.

A lot of young women do not know their worth. I know I did not at your age...so I am going to tell you...just like I would tell my younger self if I could.

You are worth a million times your weight in gold. You are more precious than all the gems on earth. You deserve and should settle for nothing less than a man who reconizes this and treats you as if he is the luckiest guy to even get to be in your presence.

You in turn can trust him, and feel confident in your affection and respect for him. This is how a relationship should start off. Differently than the one that has caused you this awful feeling...

For now, I encourage you to work on being the best you that you can be. Being a whole healthy person first is going to help you not only feel better...but to be ready when the right relationship comes along. The best ones usually do happen when you are not looking anyway.:)

We have some really good free on-line therapy options here, which I will post a link for. Give it a try and see how you like them. If you find you need more help for your anxiety/depression, then you can see your GP about a therapy referral, and talk to your folks about possibly seeking counseling through your church or community.

Free on-line CBT programs:

http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

http://ecouch.anu.edu.au/welcome

I wish you the best, and invite you to keep talking with us if you find it helpful for your anxiety needs. We care and are here to listen anytime.:)

Best wishes,

Scaredy Cat

Why can't I see Scaredy😸's post?? Hhmmm anyways...

LB, It sounds like this James guy knew a lot about you, but he is Not a true friend if he uses what you tell him against you. And your mom is right for doing what she did, your her daughter and her job is to protect you.
You said your 17 years old?? Well guess where I was at 17??... I had heartbreak too, this young man did EVERYTHING to me, abused me mentally,physically,sexually,and emotionally. Took my "innocents" in every way. He knew me inside and out. Everything about me that made me, Me. But you know what the only difference between me & you at 17 is/was??? Well... 👉I Was 17 years old With His Baby.
He treated me like this before I became pregnant.. First I had a miscarriage at 16years old! I waited two months to see my doctor because I felt I had to do all this behind my parents back. Well, to make a long story short....i messed up my insides and my doc. told me I had something called endometriosis which basically meant I wouldn't be able to conceive a baby. My parents knew what I was diagnosed with, but was still in the dark because of patient privacy law. All my doctor told my mom was just to have a talk with me but I refused every time she tried. So being the "smart" teenage I was me and boyfriend tried to get me pregnant again. And we succeeded alright! My parents were beyond disappointed, but still till this day always here for me. During my pregnancy I almost lost my baby 5 times, every time my mom n dad were by my side. Also during my pregnancy my boyfriend and I were constantly on and off again. The first year of my daughters life I was so lost, wrapped up with what he was "doing" and not being the mom I should be.
my parents... My dad, he was always telling me to leave him ,that he would take care of us. I constantly refused. I was in love and wanted my "happy family" but the sad part 👉I was never really happy with him. It was so very hard to get him out my life and over him, especially because I shared a child with him. Our daughter is 8 years old , I haven't been with her dad for 7years now. He barley started being in our daughters life about 3years ago....and that's only because I failed paperwork For Him for visitations, so he can see our daughter. Now, I Highly regret doing that. He try's to buy my daughters affection. (like he did with me.) and that's not love. My daughter has that empty lonely feeling (like I use to) when he don't make a visit or keeps his promise.

My anxiety is at its worst, dealing with him and court cases.
LB! God will heal your heartbreak..he did with me.
He puts people in your life for certain reasons, like he did with James. We never can fully understand his reasons but we got to learn and grow from them. I feel it was meant for me to read your post....maybe because I truly don't want you to make the same mistakes as I did. Everything is so much real when a innocent baby gets involved. Your heart hurts now??? Imagine seeing your daughter with heartache ,because she don't know why her daddy don't love her or want her...now that's heartbreaking. Your mom seeing you, Her Daughter feeling "unwanted & used" Is also Heartbreaking.
Please pray, and do not make the same mistakes I did.
I'm here for you when ever you want to talk. K.

Post Edited (MeMandy) : 12/15/2014 8:35:18 PM (GMT-7)

Lilly, never is a long, long time, try to listen to older people who have been through those things, dont
think yours is so mature either, it seems to me that those boys, yes i know 20, still very much boys, only
needed you when you were willing to compromise your personal standards. Human beings seem to change
their wants and needs about every 3-5 years, they dont even like the same things or people. The Maturity
you speak of is still down the road, hang in there with your Mother and God, it will get better, but you have
got to be willing to really listen to those who Love you, Peace

Larry ***

LB.. Just don't let all these bad situations make you lose faith. You can over come this!