Learning how to express myself in small doses

I don't post that much on here anymore but I don't know where else to turn at the moment... Back in September I had a mental breakdown and had to leave my jobs which was extremely hard. My sister and her family took me in until I can get back on my feet. I've tried to be open and honest with her about my diagnosis's (bipolar, depression, borderline personality, OCD, PTSD, and social phobia as well as a learning disability) "we" had a long talk (she talked I tried to listen and process without blowing up at her) and was told that I self diagnosed everything except the depression. It took me forever to finally admit that I had each of the diagnosis's and to open up and share that with people and then to have her to just dismiss it like that hurts... When talking about the PTSD, I tried explaining the reasoning for it and was told to "grow a pair and get over it" She swears up and down my meds are causing the symptoms of bipolar... I love the meds I'm on now I was taken off Abilify and Celexa and put on Latuda to see if it would help with the anger and depression. It's still an issue but not as bad.. It seems more of an issue to her because I'm not holding it in anymore. I'm finally learning how to express myself in small doses.

I've come to be very angry and resentful toward her for not understanding or refusing to realize yes I do have stuff I need to work on.

I'm no longer allowed alone time in my room because I was being too "antisocial" ... She thinks by pushing me to be more social it will fix the social anxiety. It's a house full of 7 people... 3 adults and 4 kids... We all need alone time at one point or another.

I've never had such a deep depression cycle.. It used to go kinda depressed and then a little mania and little longer depressed, less mania.. I'm missing the mania right now I know that may sound silly but the only bright side I've seen happen since September is med change which has lessened the harmful thoughts to a minimum even when stressed.

If you all have any suggestions on how to handle things it'd be greatly appreciated!

Hi LN,

I saw you jumping on and off the chat earlier. Next time stick around and chat for a little while. I find the chats very beneficial towards my recovery. Everyone on there generally means well.

I agree with what Larry says, I find his insight is usually spot on.

Hi

Welcome back to the forum but I am sorry to hear of your current situation that must be hard for you especially after opening up to your sister and not getting a good response. It is sometimes hard for siblings of people with mental health issues to fully understand what you are going through especially if they have not gone through it themselves I had a similar situation with my brother who would not accept my diagnosis so I took him along to one of my appointments with my psychiatrist and that helped him to understand and he has been good since then so that's maybe something you could do with your sister?

With regards to your current depression and anxiety I would suggest that you look into Mindfulness Meditation as that really can make a huge difference it does take a bit of practice to master but it's well worth the effort.

Keep us posted

Hibee

As far as the chat room is concerned, don't be discouraged if you check and no one is in there. I've had the best luck finding people in there around 8 pm to midnight eastern time.

My mom said I could stay with her but we have already had a past of codependency issues and don't think that would be a healthy choice either.

I'm thinking about looking for a part time job. I'm at a point right now though I'm clueless as to what I want to do. I tried SAMs club for my first job and hated it. I got tendinitis in my wrist. After that i spent 8-9 years as a para in special education classrooms, first in a preschool classroom then in elementary. I also did in home health care. I realized the other night though as I was texting with a friend that I was doing the jobs for the wrong reasons. I did them to the extent I did for attention, kudos, pats on the back, all things for approval and affection. Or I did it because that's what I grew up around and it was familiar.. In my comfort zone.

I'm loving the latuda lol ... Weighed tonight and realized since I was at the dr in Oct I've lost 28 lbs! I met my short term goal so set a new one that was 25 lbs less than previous goal. Once.. Not if.. ( ) I lose another 47 lbs I'll be doing the super happy dance lol
That's not the only reason I love latuda though.. It's the perk of it lol... My self harm thoughts are down to minimum, being now situational instead of multiple times a day (another thing my sis don't get) now just to get the anger under control lol
I go Friday though for med clinic.. We will see what happens.

There was more going on and while I was away at my moms I texted my sis and asked her to listen to me or at least read what I had to say. We tried talking her way, I couldn't get my side out use to anxiety of being judged or being 'wrong' plus processing issues of what's being said doesn't help matters. I took a few mins to gather my thoughts and then started texting. I could see what was being said to her or to me and re read if needed without feeling stupid for not getting it the first time.

I think she's scared that she and her family are making things worse instead of better. Which from an outsider view looking only at my emotions and behavior yes it'd look that way. But in my mind for the first couple months it was that honeymoon period. I was on "vacation" from work I was still getting paid from the sick leave I had built up (worked in a school) and I was on medical leave at that time. Now I officially resigned from both of my jobs and am no longer getting a check so I'm depending upon her and her hubby for money which is stressful for all 3 of us. On them because they are the ones working for the money but also stressful on me because I'm so used to paying my own way.

She doesn't understand bipolar very well and I think it scares her as well. I know it took me awhile to finally admit to myself what I was diagnosed with so in a short 4 months I can't realistically expect her to be 100% ok with it. I tried explaining to her tonight why I don't talk about it when I have self harm thoughts. It scares people I know that. She wants me to try and talk about it though when I have them. I just gotta be careful and not let it get back to begin an attention seeking ordeal.

Reading back through this message and my message before I see my mood has completely shifted...