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Im at the edge of the cliff now..

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Posted 4/30/2015 2:34 PM (GMT 0)
I don't know what to do, I feel I'm on the verge of another nervous break down. My 30 year old handicapped son who is in a wheelchair and learning disabled will have to leave and live in a group home soon. I have been caring for him for 30 years and I literally cannot do it anymore. He is very belligerant argumentive, sorry spelling, he hits me, cusses throws fits if he doesn't get his way, rams me with his wheelchair. My husband is a work aholic and is never home so Im the one doing all the caregiving and getting the abuse. I have NO family support, no close friends. It's me and my abusive son. I have already spoken to someone about placing him in a group home, and I told my mother about it and all she said was that I will DESTROY my son by doing that. I cannot live like this much longer, the guilt of having him placed, the abuse, the constant mean words from my narcissistic mother, the lack of support. The constant anxiety.
Posted 4/30/2015 3:28 PM (GMT 0)
D.S.,

I think I shared this previously...but it bears repeating as it is true.

I have a close friend who went through exactly the same thing...minus the abuse however.

She simply could not do anything more than look after for her son, who needed more care than she could provide...and still try and raise her other younger child.  She practically never left the house!

She was literally working 24/7 and was a prisoner.

What is more...though she was a loving carer...her son was not getting the stimulation and challenge that he needed at home.

When she put him into a group home...they both blossomed!

He was able to socialize and have great P.T./O.T. and activities.

She was able to have a life again.

She visits him whenever she likes, and all is well for BOTH of them.

Have you considered that your son's acting out is as a result of needing more of an outlet?

In all likelihood, he needs to be among others and get the benefits of a program.:)

Don't let anyone guilt you...they are not living your life.

You have my support and admiration for all that you do.:) I wish you the best in making this decision!

S.C.
Posted 4/30/2015 4:07 PM (GMT 0)
S.C, you are so right, and yes his acting out centers mostly around the fact that he is not doing the things he wants to be doing. I'm finally realizing that it is me that is stopping him from having a full life.  Thank you for driving that home with me.
Posted 4/30/2015 5:23 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Deb, I'm so sorry you are going thru this. It must be so hard, but SC gave you great advice and I agree with her whole heartedly (is that even a word, lol). You must do what you need to do for you, and what is best for your son, he sounds like he is probably bored and a group home would give him so much more to do. Don't feel guilty, I know that is so much easier said then done, but you have given your son 30 years, it is time now to do the best thing for both of you.

We are here for you for every step you take, please keep posting and keep us updated. We will cheer you along. Hugs.
Posted 4/30/2015 11:19 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Angelisa, that meant a lot.
Posted 5/1/2015 1:43 AM (GMT 0)
May God bless you with the peace of "knowing" you are making the right decision. Your husband is a workaholic because he cannot deal with your sons care. Your mother has no right to fill you with such guilt- as I remember it pains her to even visit because she cannot deal with your sons disability. Your son takes out his frustrations of his limitations on you- probably not intentionally but hurtful all the same. Take care of you. You count too! You can only bear so much. Just because he lives away from you does not mean you are going to desert him. I think your distance will bring you closer. You will be in my daily prayers. You're going to be alright Deb- trust your gut.
Wishing you all the best.
Posted 5/1/2015 1:54 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Deborah!

SC is right. Hope you can remind yourself daily that this will be good for both your son and you. Before I was injured, I worked in group homes, and know they have the skills to care for your son. People who go into the field tend to be very loving and concerned. Caretakers do not make big money, so they are there because they love the work.

You do not deserve to be in an abusive situation. You also do not deserve abuse from your Mother. If you have to, you may want to distance yourself from her and anyone else who is not supportive. Once your son has moved, you will have time to build a new support system. Maybe there are support groups in your area for caretakers with family members similar to your son

Best of luck with all of this! Better times are ahead.
Posted 5/1/2015 2:43 AM (GMT 0)
You have received some wonderful advice Deborah. I am sure that this decision has been heart-wrenching for you to make. I truly believe it takes a village to raise a kid, and having "help" definitely does not mean that you are failing your son. In fact, you will be a better Mom because of this! I am really hopeful that when some of the burden is taken off of you, your relationship with your disabled son will be better because you will not feel so very weighed down and overwhelmed.

Best wishes to you as you start down this new path! And prayers for a good home to fit your son's needs! <3
Posted 5/1/2015 5:31 AM (GMT 0)
Sometimes it's importsnt to realize what we can and cannot do. And this is one of those moments. Being a mother doesn't mean you are equipped to also be a caretaker. Like SC said, this could be beneficial for both of you. He could make friends and feel part of a community of people in similar situations- much like we all feel here on HW.
Sending you best wishes and hugs.
Posted 5/1/2015 8:57 AM (GMT 0)
Hi D

You have received some great support above so I just wanted to pop in and say that we are here for you so keep us posted.

Hibee
Posted 5/1/2015 11:50 AM (GMT 0)
 I really appreciate all the kind support it means so much to me. I agree with all of you. I want to do this slowly and not rush and find the best group home.
Posted 5/1/2015 2:40 PM (GMT 0)
Hi D, I'm new to the site. I was a RN (case Manager) for 10 yrs. In your case we would get a Social Worker to assist you-which you might already have. For what it's worth I think your doing the right thing. It's time for a group home. hugs!
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