Posted 5/2/2015 8:19 AM (GMT 0)
The quick story about me.
First attack, Oct 26 2010.
5 months of on and off hell. Hell is a nice way to describe it.
All the cardio phobia you can think of, I had. Always afraid of dying.
The full monty cardio work up, healthy as a horse.
On and off infrequent attacks through out.
Zoloft then Paxil the Celexa. 10-30 mg various.
Alprazolam when needed. .5s
What I have learned after 5 years.
It does get better.
The first year or so, especially the first few months are "what the heel is wrong with me?"
"What is broken"? "Why did I have that pain, that twitch, why is this sore"? "I just want to go back to the day before I had the first attack, the time before I never even heard of what a panic attack was". All those feelings are normal, at least they were for me. That feeling of needing to run someplace safe. That feeling of just needing to run away. That feeling of if I don't get out of here, and it doesn't matter where here was but, if I didn't get out I was dead. When your sitting there reading a book, and all of a sudden, for NO reason what so ever, you heart is crushing in your chest, you feel like your at the top of a roller coaster getting ready to plunge and you have no idea what is going on. All normal. Unfortunately. Anything sound familiar?
The meds:
The three years I was religious about meds. Zoloft kinda worked but the headaches were insane. Paxil was amazing, I felt truly normal, but as a guy, well certain equipment was useless to me. Being married, that became a problem. Celexa, kind of neutral about. For the year or so I took it, I really don't know if or how much it helped. The Xanax, if used properly, works. It turned off the attacks but be careful as it is a true drug in the sense that you develop a tolerance. I never let my self take more than a .5 a day, and I only used it if I was in a full blown attack. If the meds help use them, for me it was a combination of meds and acceptance and CBT that finally broke through the worst of it.
How I mentally learned to cope:
After year 4, wait, let me back up. Again, let me know if this sounds familiar. They say acceptance is the first part of recovery and that holds true here too. I don't mean the fact that you know you suffer from anxiety but, embracing it. For me, leading up to year for, when I felt an attack coming on I would fight it. Tell myself I wasn't going to let myself have one. Trying to take my mind off of it, DESPERATELY trying to think about anything else but, focus on anything else but. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't Wen I say I accepted it, I mean now, when I feel one coming, which is thankfully few and far between, I accepted it. I mental kind of just sit back and hate the ride. I don't fight. I'll do some deep breathing, I'll recognize what my body is doing and just let it happen. I'm not saying that I let myself go catatonic, or that I just freak like I used too but time, and lots of it has taught me what's happening. I know that I am going to want to runaway. I know that I am going to want to go and sit in an ER just incase something happens, people will be there to help. It's still very hard. I'm in the military and one meeting I was in, I had an attack come on, I knew that I couldn't just bolt but, the need to bolt was crazy, I wanted to jump out of there so bad I really can't put it to words. I just kept giving my briefing. I had to finish my assignment. I have several similar stories but this already is a very long post. I promise, the resolve to do that came from years, of attacks. When I first started having them, I could have NEVER done that. I guess to me, that's how I feel I have accepted it.
Year 5:
I don't know if sometimes the emotional part of us just likes to let off steam. I honestly feel sometimes that's what an anxiety attack is, your emotions just throwing up and the take your body on a ride. I promise you, and I hate to say, I am not cured. I also hate to say, and I don't mean to discourage but, I don't know if there is a "cure". I know that time has helped a lot. I accept that I will forever be a different man now than the one I was on October 25th 2010. I am no longer upset by that. I had a small attack today. It happened and I am not mad or upset. Tired but that is to be accepted. I posted to these forums daily back in 2010 and 2011. I needed to know I wasn't alone. I needed to know, even though what was happening to me wasn't normal that other knew what I was going through and there was some light at the end of the tunnel. I posted this for you. The me of 5 years ago. I hope you read this. I hope you find this. I need you to know, what I know now. I wish it was better, I'm sure for some it is. The best way to describe it is like a parent telling their child to not do something because the parent knows that it is bad. Unlike the child we don't have a choice. And like the child, no matter how much wisdom and advice we give them, time is really the one true teacher.
I wish you all well. Know that you are not alone.
Richard B.