I am so humiliated! I completely lost it at church this evening. The kids weren't there yet, but still. I cried and couldn't breathe, and it was awful.
I've had horrible anxiety all day. I've been working on crafts, and cleaning, and cooking, but pacing the floor the whole time. Doing all the right things to keep my mind occupied.
The mail came, and I received my lab results from my last blood draw. I am severely anemic, and was hoping that the mass quantities of oral, prescript
ion supplements had raised my numbers over the last 6 weeks. Nope, it was even lower. I am so very close to having to be given blood.
I called my husband on the way to the church to help myself calm down. I felt I could put it all away when I saw my kiddos. They always raise my spirits.
Then, it happened. I get there, and one of the women asked me, "where is the pizza?" I had delegated all of the food to her and her daughter. She said I told her I'd get the pizza. Well, I have no memory of that conversation, and find it very hard to believe I would have volunteered to pick up 15 pizzas when I can't even carry a purse most days.
Granted, I have no memory of a lot of conversations, but this was a week long event that I planned out months in advance. IF, I'd planned on being responsible for only the one night of food, I'd have told my husband that I needed him to get it for me.
I couldn't help but tear up, and I went into a quiet, dark room to call my husband, and ask him to run to get some pizzas. Both of these women came into the room, and kept telling me that we had had a conversation about
it, and I just fell into full blown panic mode. I couldn't breathe, and was crying, so they then asked me, "why are you acting like this? It's only pizza."
Well, we all know it isn't "only pizza." It was the straw that broke this camel's back today. They all know about
my health issues, because I've asked the entire church during 'prayers & concerns' to pray specifically about
each health issue as they have arisen.
I suppose in all fairness, they do not know about
my anxiety disorder. I've told them I have anxiety & PTSD, but I've never let them see me cry. I've always done a good job of hiding things, because that's what I had to do as a child. "Don't make a scene."
I am the chairman of the Education Committee, and a Deacon at my church. I am the Children's Church teacher, and have a lot of responsibilities. I've mentioned that I need to lighten my load, because my fatigue and severe osteoarthritis is debilitating. I just can't believe these two women (one I've known for 31 years!) would gang up on me so to speak.
I guess I've done such a good job at being the perfect example, as I was taught I had to be, that they didn't realize how close to my limit I was.
Once I got myself under control (only after my husband came home, and held me) I realized that I have had more than enough. You can only put so much crap in one container, and this container is only 5' 3" tall.
Now, I'm hurting so badly. I tensed up so much that my torn ligaments in my shoulder and collar bone area are burning. My stomach is hurting from hyperventilating. I was already having trouble breathing, because severe anemia causes rapid heart rate, breathing problems, and fatigue. I am a mess.
I don't know how I'll handle the multitude of comments and questions that are sure to come on Sunday. I guess I just will. Thank you all for listening to me.