In a bit of a crisis

My sister just phoned me to say that my mom is being taken by ambulance from
her nursing home/rehab (she just had surgery). My sister is on her way to the hospital as well
as my other sister.

Let alone this being an emergency, I couldn't even drive to that hospital if it were under normal
circumstances. It's a few towns away and I always get lost. You may think it odd that I am here
writing now....but I just need to get myself together and figure this out for myself. My momn is 85.

My sisters are always right there for her, but becaUSE of my mental illness I can not always be. In fact,
my name is not even on the list to be called if something went wrong. This upsets me horribly. Why do I have
to be this pathetic????? I feel like such a child right now. And feeling very left out by my sisters.

My sister just texted me and said to stay home until she knows what is going on. She had some type of
cardiac event and the nursing home called immediatly for an ambulance.

I'm feeling so ashamed of myself for not being a grown up. My sisters can't count on me for anything.
In a way, they try to respect my problems yet on the other hand I feel like there is this unspoken anger
towards me for the way I am.

Horrible waiting here to find out what's what. I can't evven drive right now. But I want to be there.
This just plain old sucks!
I really hate ME sometimes (most the time).

My husband and daughter are home with me and neither of them has offered to bring me. If I were to ask them they would get mad at me. They have no patience for me and my panic. They just think i need to "get over it' and it's all in my head----uhhh yeah--it's all in my head---that's the problem!!

Thanks for letting me vent guys. I really just needed to vent. I'm having a hard time right now.
I'm trying to do some "mindfullness" stuff right now but it's pretty hard.
I need to do some self esteem meditation--I think that would help me right now.
Yes, that's what I'll do as I wait for my phone call.

L.,

First off thoughts and prayers for your mom being sent immediately.

Second...I like you very much...and want for you to like you too. Please don't ever say you ever hate being you, or are ashamed. We are all unique...with both amazing attributes...and our own deficits...

Would you look down on a friend in the same situation? How about someone who couldn't make the trip because of a physical limitation? How is this any different?

You love your mom, and can be of support from where you are! You can keep tabs though phone/text...ect.

Don't think for a second that your care is worth anyless because you can't be there now.

Asking your husband or daughter for a ride is not imposing. This is their MIL and grandmother respectively...and they should be jumping at the chance to help. If they aren't then it is your right to ask. Go for it!

I am sending prayers and hugs your way...for your mom and for you!

Keep us updated okay?

S.C.

Oh Linda, I'm so very sorry to hear about your mom. I know you'd be there if you could.

How about saying to your husband, "Do you think we should all go on over there, and check on Mom/Grandma?" That way you're not saying please take me, I can't. You're just saying that as a family you should all be there for her.

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I can't say I'd feel any different in your shoes. It is so easy to get down on ourselves when we just can't do something. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

I have read so many of your posts that are wonderfully supportive, and very articulate. You are a smart, sweet individual, and you have an illness. It causes you to have limitations on what you're able to do. No different than any other illness as SC pointed out.

I'm praying for your family. <3

I just want to really thank all of you here. I was in major turmoil yesterday
and so much kindness was sent to me.

I am proud to report that I did go to you tube and did a self esteem meditation and some other
one that I'm not sure of and i was finally able to get myself out of the panic state . I actually drove myself
to the hospital and very proudly walked into my mothers room with my sister there already.

They were both truly shocked at my appearance and it made me feel so proud of myself

I put my big girl panties on and got to the hospital on my own. WOW!

It helped so much to be able to come here and vent. It got me into the right mindset and reminded
me of all my years of therapy and tools I've learned. It worked!!!!

My mom is just fine too. Turns out---kinda ironic--they believe it to be anxiety---lol. She has never
had this problem before. I gladly touted "Welcome to my world Mom". Now maybe she realizes better
what I have inside of me every day of my life.....I was so relieved though to find out it was not some
sort of cardiac event like they first thought.

Thanks for all the prayers and kind words...they really meant so much (((((hugs)))) back to all of you!!!
Linda

Woot woot for you!! I'm also very happy your mom didn't have a life threatening event.

I hope she will have a better understanding of what you go through.

I know you'd never wish chronic anxiety on her or anyone else, and neither would I, but it is helpful for people to have one experience that gives them some insight.