Memory/retention/grieving the loss

So the thread about vitamin B12 got me to thinking.

SC mentioned that she has a mind like a steel trap. I used to.

I was born with a photographic memory. My grandmother raised me, and she had a beauty shop in our basement. I used to sit and wow her customers by "reading" books to them. I memorized every word after the book was read to me one time. I even knew when the pages were to be turned.

In school, I was that student who the teacher couldn't keep busy. I never studied, because I'd heard it in class, so I knew it.

You could never argue with me, because I could picture the day, and the conversation.

During my career as an accountant, I knew without looking it up what each of my client's account balances were, and when they had done what.

Fast forward to about a year ago. I started having episodes of confusion, FORGETFULNESS, lost conversations! I seriously thought I had early onset alzheimer's. I had a notebook of daily activities, and phone calls, so that if I was gone, someone could look it up.

I received a phone call, and couldn't remember speaking with that person. I looked in my notebook, and there it was, IN MY OWN HANDWRITING! I was terrified. I still am a bit.

I am still in testing for Lupus. Along with Lupus comes a "fog" or confusion. They have also considered Multiple Schlerosis. I know anxiety can cause these types of issues too, but to this degree? I'm not convinced.

I am experiencing deep grief over these lost memories. My kids will be over, and talking about a time when we were all at the lake for example. They'll say, "Oh, mom was so mad!" I can't even remember being there.

I called the bank the other day, and was prepared to be told that I hadn't made my husband's truck payment in months. They told me I was on time, and there was no problem. I have no recollection of paying it. I immediately wrote down all passwords, account numbers, and any and all things related to the bills/banks/life ins., etc.

I've always handled everything, and I'm terrified of what will happen if I lose my flippin' mind.

I just can't trust myself anymore, and I've always been the only one I've every trusted, because I was abandoned by my mother as an infant. *sigh*

Well, there you have it folks. A little insight into me.

...actually I said I have a mind like a steel sieve!!!...as in holes all over the place.;)

Anxiety can cause forgetfulness....because our brains don't function optimally under stress, and can only handle so much!

Staying sharp through games and puzzles is said to be important!

...and it is good to write things down as you did.:)

I do hope you get the answers that you are looking for soon...but also know that with stress and much on the mind...something is.bound.to give! :)

S.C.

Thanks guys. I'm just grieving the person I used to be. Having to quit my job, because I knew I wasn't doing it justice anymore, has just really gotten to me. It's been almost three months since my last day. I do keep busy, but it isn't the same.

I feel insecure about conversations with my doctors. My husband can't always go with me, so I have to get through them on my own. There's been a mix up (probably mine) with the gyno, and the meds I'm supposed to be on until my hysterectomy. I have to call today to get that worked out, so I can't take my meds until I speak with them. I want to be sure my mind is clear.

Meanwhile, anxiety is vibrating through me.

The surgeon's office called to tell me they have to reschedule my appt. for today. They said next available is LATE AUGUST! I immediately panicked, and told her that I could not wait that long. I have to have the surgeon's approval for the hysterectomy, and I can't keep putting that off. He has to say my neck will survive being upside down on an operating table for 3+ hours.

I told her that the last time I was at their office, my 10:30 a.m. appt. didn't happen until 2:45 due to an emergency. I had a full blown panic attack in their little exam room that I was left in for over 2 hours.

She must have heard the panic in my voice, because she said oh, wait here I found one a week from today. Amazing! This surgeon is the one my rheumy wants me to see, so I am putting up with this, but if this happens again, I'm calling her to say that I need a new referral. Of course that will take another couple of months. I just want to scream!

I worked on preparing myself for the drive today, and for the appointment. Now, my plans for today have changed, and that alone upsets my life. LOL I know how petty that sounds, but I am very schedule oriented.

Okay, breathing and trying to find my logical self again. It will be okay, and I will be okay.

My thyroid is within normal range. It is on the lower end of normal, but getting a doctor to treat it when it's "normal" is almost impossible.

All of this came on quite suddenly. I thought I'd had a mild stroke, honestly. My handwriting changed. I would start to write something, and just sit there with my hand trying to make the stroke, and it would just shake. I have had to find new ways to make my letters. It's very frustrating, because I had beautiful handwriting.

I have the malar rash on my face, mouth and nose ulcers, joint pain even in the ones that aren't riddled with osteoarthritis. I have horrible leg cramps even though I am constantly hydrated. I've had one positive ANA, and one negative one. Rheumy is holding out on the Lupus dx for several reasons, and I agree with her.

I am severely anemic, and that causes confusion. Confusion is different than memory loss though. I've forgotten conversations with my son who has cystic fibrosis. I am usually so in tune with him, and it amazes me that I can't remember him calling me.

I've gotten lost going to places that I'm familiar with. The other day, I was going to my primary doc, and I ended up over by the job I don't even have anymore. I then had to call my son to ask him which highway interchange to take to get back to where I needed to go. :(

B12 deficiency is very common. Honestly, just started on the pills. Never thought i would need them but i am only human too. I think it sharpens my senses and really calms me down. Hehe. Maybe its the cause of my heart palps.