Attachment/ Relationship issues

Hi,
I just signed up to this forum because I am desperate to find help. I have been seeing a social worker for over 6 years and have recently started with a clinical psychologist. I was on lexapro for 5 years and as of last week was switched to prozac because I feel I may need a different medication to help me cope. So here's my issue:

I am currently around 30 years old. Growing up, I had SEVERE separation anxiety from my mother which went deep into my 20's. A few years ago I was able to move out on my own although found myself often going back to stay over my parents house due to comfort and attachment. I also suffer from panic and obsessive thoughts. Unfortunately, although I have came so far, I am still somewhat emotionally dependent on my mom and dad as well to comfort me in hard times.

So not surprising, but my romantic relationships is what I tend to struggle with now as an adult. I have been in a few serious relationships since I'm 18, one of which lasted almost 7 years. Most of my relationships have been with guys who were not right for me, for one reason or the other. Often times I would be with someone else who had anxiety because it made me feel comforted, although in the end did not help me and only caused me more anxiety. I've been with someone so intense and smothering and completely lost myself in the relationship. Then I've been with someone years ago who was the opposite extreme and carefree about so much and loved me but was often emotionally distant. I've realized I need someone who is middle ground and who is balanced. I've read tons and tons about relationship anxiety and how your childhood attachment style can affect your adult relationships.

So everytime I seem to get into a relationship with someone I like, the same patterns start. Now here's the thing, with all of the other guys I have been somewhat serious with, I know they werent right for me and I was able to see red flags from day one. Either way I would get feelings that things weren't right, but to the extent of severe anxiety and depression and not being able to function. Once we broke up, I felt such relief and so much better. But like I said, these guys were not right for me.

Now I met someone who I have known since we're younger and we connected a few years ago again through friends. A few months ago, the two of us started becoming more friendly and flirtacious with each other. At first I wasn't sure I liked him, but as it got stronger I realized I wanted to give it a chance because he's a great guy and we have so much in common. The second I started to like him and thought something was going to happen, the same pattern started. I woke up the next day feeling like oh no, I have to get out, this isn't right. So this feeling would go back and forth with the feeling of excitement of something maybe happening with us. The hard part is I start to idealize him and fantasize and my mind just runs with future thoughts. So now, I go from excited one minute to "I need to get out, I don't want this", the next, along with attachment and anxiety. There is nothing I can say that would steer me away from this guy. He is a sweet, understanding guy who I see so much potential with and I would hate to ruin something. But there are times lately where I feel paralyzed and beyond depressed that I don't want to do anything.

Relationships boggle my mind. I see friends getting married and I can't phathom how people feel that way about each other. I want a health, happy relationship, and I do want to get married and have children in the near future. Now I am with someone who could be something great, and all I want to do is run to relieve the way I feel. I am hurting so much and having trouble living in the moment. Has anyone ever experienced this? Please respond. I am desperate to feel better.

I have seen the psychologist a few times and I am hoping she is able to help me with this. I am always open to suggestions for help. I was just hysterical crying for over an hour. Thank u

Hi

Welcome to the forum but sorry to hear you are having these struggles hopefully seeing your therapist can help you through these issues.

I could really relate to what you wrote as I have the same problem and relationships are a complete mystery to me and the relationships I have had have never worked out. I have Aspergers Syndrome so know that this is part of that and something I need to work on.

Do have a look at our resources thread as there are some good links and keep posting here we are here to support you so keep us posted.

Hibee

Hey! I UNDERSTAND YOU COMPLETELY. I have the same issues as you. I've been going out with my bf for more than 3 years. and since the depression and anxiety last January I have had obsessional thoughts about him.
It goes like this:
-- I don't love him anymore, omg what am i gonna do??!!
-- I dont want to be alone, maybe that's why Im with him?
-- What am I going to do with my life once I leave him?
There are many other thoughts which spike me alot and give me sooo much anxiety! Sometimes I lean in for a kiss to see how I feel, whether I feel in love feelings or not.. Sometimes when Im doing something small for him, like making him a sandwich or something, right in the middle of doing it I would think, isn't this a loving gesture from my part? So doesn't this mean that I love him? Then I feel all fake and unreal.
It's horrible, Just horrible.
But there is hope.
WWW.CONSCIOUSTRANSITIONS.COM

She is a psychologist who helps people like us. I have done a lot of research, and reading through her blogs. I have also bought the program.. and I am in a forum at the moment talking with people just like us. And it helps a great deal.
Hope this helps.

This is what I found as far as self-help books for the concerns you brought up...

...be sure and look at the additional recommended/'bought together frequently' suggestions at the bottom of the page for extra book options!

Best wishes, and keep posting!

S.C.

http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

Thanks so much sc!

I bought the wedding e-course, even though I am not going to be married any time soon, but Sheryl states that this course is perfect for engaged people, people in a relationship and even those who are already married. With the purchase of the course, you will have access to the forum :) I am there as Savruby too :)

I have had similar situations to yours. Before finding N, I used to date other guys, and I would always leave the relationship.. I would have a sick feeling in my gut that I just wanted to leave the relationship... and I always did.. With N, I also had some doubts throughout the relationship, but since the breakdown (Last January) I can't stop obsessing over N. It's a very painful situation

Read through Sheryl's blogs.. such as this one: http://conscious-transitions.com/what-if-im-only-with-my-partner-because/

and this one: http://conscious-transitions.com/just-because-you-have-a-thought-doesnt-mean-its-true/

There are many other posts by her that hit home.. read, read and continue to read!! I think my anxiety came because I used to see my father hitting my mum, they have a destructive relationship... and they are still together.. Seeing all that since I was a child, I kind of made a vow that I shall never be with a guy whose like my father. And whenever my bf does some things that might resemble my father's character, I get so scared and repulsed. I've had a troubled childhood, but there were many happy times too and I love my father. But apparently this anxiety and depression has manifested into my relationship.

I appreciate everyone's input although I don't agree melodee. Yea that's a general statement.. when you know you know. . But it is not abnormal to question things especially when you have relationship ocd and anxiety. People with anxiety will question everything and anything so obviously this isn't an issue of yours.

Wow Melodee, very supportive. I would have loved to read your first comment but either I cannot read it cos you erased it or it has been removed.
Just because you haven't dealt with relationship anxiety gives you no right making others feel worse than they already are. I do not have any health anxiety. I do not obsess that I am going to have a heart attack or stroke, but just because I don't have that anxiety doesn't mean others aren't going through torment about this particular anxiety. Anxiety can manifest in different ways... and sadly for us it has manifested into our relationships. As for tryingtohavehope, she has only been with her bf for a month. That is true one cannot say whether that guy is the soulmate. But you can have a guy who you love and cherish.. and you might call him your soulmate.. and things go wrong, red flag issues, etc.. and things end. And you find another great guy. Her issue has been going on for years, even for me. I run from relationships when anxiety hit. I am letting her know that she is not alone and that there is hope for us. Thanks to hundreds of others who have gone through what i am going through, they have stayed with their guy, worked through their anxiety.. and many are married with children. Have a nice day

When you have fears about attachment, commitment and other relationship stuff, it may not matter who you're with. Who knows if the guy I'm with is right for me. I don't know. But when you have severe anxiety and fears you can't always assume the person isn't right for u.

My guy knows I have anxiety but nothing specific because it is so new. I'm not jumping to any conclusions. This is a common theme for me in relationships. I just don't want to jeopardize something with someone who may be right.