Incapable of doing therapy and looking for some light at the end of a very dark tunnel. x

basically feel like a failure at life. I've ruined everything and I don't want to be me anymore. I'm totally incapable of overcoming my anxieties and feelings of total inadequacy. I messed up trying therapy a while back and no longer have a therapist. I'm on a waiting list to see the NHS mental health team but know this is likely to take months for anything to happen. Life just feels numb and I can't seem to fix it or get back to how things were before I opened up to someone in therapy...I wish I'd never tried to improve things as all I did was make it worse. I'm such a horrible person as I ruined the relationship with my therapist and now I'm totally alone. I have supportive parents and a brother I'm close to, but I don't want to burden them with this anymore. Everyone's better off without me. Anyone here experienced the feeling of it seeming as though you just don't have the capability to do the work needed to overcome anxiety....I'm on some medication and the doctor offered me valium to cope but I've been there/ done that and don't want to rely on that anymore. I've got some suggested reading based on CBT strategies but it feels like I just don't have the capacity to do it but that leaves me feeling hopeless. I revisited the doctor as I had suicidal thoughts developing far more frequently but now I regret going as I know it's inevitable I'll just fail at trying therapy anyway as I did it for 2 and half years and all it did was make things worse. I now believe I'm just a failure at life.

Sorry ..I know this is a very negative post and I'm just venting really. I suppose the problem is I'm not looking to fix things anymore...I just wish I could disappear and no longer be an annoyance to everyone.
Thanks for reading my depressive and pathetic ramblings. Any comments gratefully received. xx

Oh honey...there is so much I can try to say. It might not feel like it, but you ARE NOT a failure. I know it can seem that way, it's a very hard condition and doing the work to get better can feel so hard. I've been housebound for ten months in horrible, unending pain and can't even manage to get to my doctors office, or a counselor. I feel your pain, but it will pass, it will. Take all the strength you have and pat yourself on the back for sticking out therapy that long. There are more therapists, and when you are ready, maybe you could find a new one. I know sometimes it can be hard to find a good match, but they are out there. I am doing a self help program at home (i feel like i don't have a choice as i have been too afraid to venture out), and I am at a very hard place. I was self medicating with alcohol, and now I can't stomach it.....ugggg, I wish I could sometimes. My anxiety and emotions have been so up and down, but I know it's working and I just have to hang in there. This is my third go round with agoraphobia and it sucks! But I also know I've beaten it before. Give yourself permission to feel bad, it sucks. Try really hard and maybe write down some good things in your life, I've even written down my dishwasher! It helps me sometimes. It will get better, but I do know how you feel, I think we all do. My husband and adult daughter do everything for me and I can fall into a guilt trap with that, and a bunch of negative thinking, but I have to remember if they were in my shoes, I do exactly the same for them. Hang tough, it will lift. Can you manage some exercise? I HATE, HATE, HATE exercising, and can only manage about 5-10 minutes, but it really does help. It was only a year ago I was shopping with my daughter all the time, going out to eat, riding with my husband on his motorcycle...I had lost 67 pounds and felt so alive and good. Now here I am, afraid to drive at all, crying in pain and afraid of the drive to the doctors, can't do my own grocery shopping, and due to my health, can't do allot of housework and such....I know you didn't ask about me...lol, but I just want you to know that you are not alone. On top of it, my doctor stopped my anxiety meds until I come to the office! I cannot believe he expects me to get there like this...I have to let go of that though and do it without meds I guess, but it sucks because for me they really helped so much (after I got over the fear of taking them).

I've always been an anxious/shy person and I can remember saying things to the effect of noticing social anxiety becoming a problem as early as the age of 11/12. Despite voicing this to others nothing was done about it and I went on to focus my attentions on exams and building a career despite these problems. I have specific phobias also that make getting out and about a challenge although I try to get out most days at some point even just for a short time. I I then experienced my first panic attack at university alone in my flat when everyone else was out. On finishing University I recognised that things weren't ok and visited my doctor. I was put on antidepressants that also help with anxiety then ( around 10 years ago) I went on to pop these pills and do nothing else to address the problem for a further 7 years until I'd reached a point of forging a career but sacrificing every other aspect really so that I've lost pretty much all of my friends and cannot cope with social situations at all now. 3 years ago I was struggling with one issue and ended up beginning my therapy journey. I guess I really didn't understand at that point what I was getting into. I didn't really understand the issues I had as I'd just lived with them so long I just felt it was just how I was...I didn't understand how many issues I had. I then struggled as all I seemed to do in therapy was unveil more an more issues and ways in which I just didn't seem to cope and continually made a mess of things. I ended up giving up my teaching career and believing that a fresh start doing something less stressful would give me the space to fix things.

Un fortunately I went on to develop more anxieties and new issues that meant I struggled so much I just lost it with my therapist.... I felt so hopeless I just ended it and blamed him for making me worse.... (I know it wasn't his fault.... it was just another example of me messing things up!) I thought if I stopped therapy things would get back to normal as by then I was praying I'd never started therapy and could just get back to how things were before. After 8 months of constantly going back over it and not being able to get my therapist out of my mind I passed him in the street and fell apart. Then I returned to my doctor to explain I'd left therapy 8 months ago and was slowly falling apart again. Which is why I'm now waiting to get support again. It's because of falling apart once and getting back on track somewhat that I don't wish to return to using valium again as I've been there and come away from that and don't wish to go back thee. I do see my desire to cope with out valium as a sort of step forward as I used to panick if I didn't have them whereas now I try to keep them as a last resort as if I always rely on them I'll never feel capable again.

At the moment I have a specific anxiety which makes leaving my house and challenge. I do go out but it's a constant effort every day to cope. I'm better than I was because I was foo work for a while but I'm now determined that I won't be off work again as at least work gives me a structure and something positive to focus on achieving. I struggle with coping with people in work though as I feel everyone hates me and finds me useless and annoying. I feel uncomfortable around people so I wish I could just disappear. I wish I could just enjoy things again without so much effort.

It's the feeling of going to things and feeling numb from the effort of it all that makes the suicidal thoughts appear frequently these days. If I stay in at home alone instead I feel like a failure as I know I'm just shutting down again and that then allows depression to creep in again and makes room for suicidal thoughts even more. I just feel like I've had one major breakdown and sort of recovered from it and people think I'm 'sorted' now and I can't show them I'm falling apart again as it feels like they'll be thinking 'not this again'! In reality I suppose I haven't fixed anything really I've just adjusted my life to avoid things really. I just feel like I've no energy left to fight and don't seem to be intelligent enough to get how to fix things and how to find ways on managing. I just want to hide and disappear.

Thanks for reading and replying Cat. I was always advised to write things down when things were getting too much and writing here just helps to get it out there/vent and hope to get things clearer in my mind. Always helpful to get someone else's viewpoint/ experience/ pep talk! In a dangerous place right now and your kind words helped. I just wish I was in a more productive and capable place right now.

Hi BT and welcome back.

I am sorry to hear that the therapy situation you had set up did not work out for you. I am not sure that you can take on complete blame for whatever went wrong...as working with someone is a two person experience...and it takes both parties involved to make things successful.

I encourage you to hang in there until your NHS intake appointment....and for now...how about putting your focus on self help techniques?

I have found these invaluable in my recovery!

Have you been through our Resources lately? There is great material to be found there...

...and I would be happy to make specific recommendations for you at your request...just let me know what you feel is priority for your recovery needs.

Staying in close contact with your doctor, and continuing to post with us are good steps for the present time...so keep up this good work!

Share with us anytime...we are here to listen, understand. ..and support us key!

S.C.

Brit teacher, I know how you are feeling, I really, really do. I am lucky for such a support system. I have many times not called on them because I just feel so terrible for being so dependant. My husband is exhausted from work..and me. We have been together 20 years and I've always been afraid he'll "leave me", and this condition along with my health that has me walking and feeling like a 90 year old does not help that fear. My daughter is my angel, I got pregnant for her at 17 and she literally saved my life, and still does. I feel guilty that I cry to her and like it's always about me. In my self help program, I have come upon some revelations within myself that is causing my anxiety, one is that I have to let my guard down and trust my husband when he says he'll never leave me. He went to two Christmas parties alone last year, one for his work, and a summer bash, while I sat home and cried. He says it's miserable at work, and miserable at home. So....when he asks me how my day was, do I tell him??? lol
There is someone out there for you, and kudos to you for getting out and about! I did my first "goal" last week of going to the library parking lot 3x as a passenger with my husband, and this week I'm going to do the red light three blocks from my home, as a passenger with my husband. It's hard to be patient, it's hard without my xanax and anti-depressant (i've been on and off xanax for years, but i never had a problem with it, i used it to help me pull out and push forward), but I know I can do this, I have to, what choice do I have? Days are really, really long. My brothers and sisters are pretty good except for one sister who used to be my favorite, I had the worst panic attack 20 minutes from home last year and she screamed and swore at me the whole time telling me "she had problems too"!!! I had to call my husband to pick me up, she didn't talk to me for 6 months! a few siblings just stay away...lol, and I get it, and my one sis i'm close to calls me obsessively, like 20x a day and tries to give me guilt trips all the time, but I love her and she is very good to me. My MOM....my best friend, my biggest cheerleader passed away very unexpectedly 3 years ago, I will never recover from that. for over six years all my doctors and hospitals refuse to help me with my pain, i've been so beat down, every time i ask for help they think I'm looking for "narcotics", which is so far from what I need. I am in 24/7 pain, and none of these doctors care. I have a handicap permit, was awarded SSD, and prescribed a cane, it's legit pain and I am baffled and confused at the accusations. I literally cry every day from the pain. My dad stays away I think because he can't cope with my issues, I try to be cool about it, but it hurts. I feel like a burden/did....lol I'm really working on changing my attitude and being positive. Last year I had a dentist pull an abscessed tooth because he couldn't help me with the pain any other way (really???? that's how bad it is in NY), four days later I went to the ER with my neck swollen out like a football, guess what...they sent me home and told me to take Benadryl..for real. The next night my husband took me to a different hospital where they did a cat scan, I had 2-3 days to live before my throat closed up from the infection and I died in my sleep! Imagine if I went the route of the benadryl... I was in life or death emergency surgery in less than ten minutes. So there's some of my crap. Now I not only am afraid of doctors, I'm afraid of leaving my house to try new ones....HA!

Gr8; you last comments give me so much to think about. You seem to sum up my thoughts and experiences so well.
I do accept now that he couldn't do it for me and that's what he kept implying. It's why I accept I'm to blame for it not working...if I couldn't do it, it didn't matter how much expertise, how many skills he had or how great a therapist he is; I still wouldn't succeed. I just don't know where to turn to make it better now. I wish I hadn't gone back to my doctor to get a referral. I just want to hide at home and disappear. But on the other hand I just want him to be there for me now. I can't seem to get my mind off him. I feel confused right now and the only thing I seem able to do is vent on here. I should be out there doing things and meeting new people to build a social life again but I can't. I just can't get out of this anxious and depressive mindset.

Ok, You ended on a bad note, so going back to him might not be the best option for either of you.

Endings in therapy are always emotional, not just when it ends bad, but also when it just comes to the end of the process and you are doing well. It's emotional not only for the client, but also for a therapist. Don't forget that you are on a journey together. A therapist gets a bond with you as well, it's unavoidable. You shared sometimes more than you would ever share with anyone else, so it's only natural that you feel sad and want to keep that person in your life.
Now therapists know how to deal with that, but for clients it's often hard to say goodbye. Often a whole session is used for this to bring everything to a conclusion and to sum up what the therapy has given you, what you have achieved and that often brings a happy note to such a last session and makes it easier to part ways.

You have not had a good ending. As it seems to bother you a lot I have a suggestion and see how that feels for you. You have to create that good ending yourself so to speak, so you can move on better.
Buy a nice card for him and write down that you have appreciated what he was trying to do for you. That at that time you wasn't able to get your head round it all and that you regret that all his interventions weren't working out. And that you are sorry that it all ended on a bad note. Don't make it an essay. Keep it short and to the point. Post it to him.
Do NOT make excuses for your behaviour. This wasn't your fault.
If you word it in such a way that you don't put the blame on him, nor on yourself then you will be able to create an ending for you and him. Now even this isn't really your responsibility, but as it is something you can't let go it might be helpful to do this and let it go.

Sometimes it's better to have a fresh start with a new therapist. I know it's horrible to have to go over your stuff again with a new one, but maybe you will be better prepared now and know what to expect. Sometimes it's all in the timing, in being ready for it.

Post Edited (Gr8) : 8/30/2015 10:52:53 AM (GMT-6)

No problem.

AriadnesThread said...
I was taught in one of my classes this happens because of a situation called transference, where the client starts to see the therapist as someone they admire and care for greatly, sort of like a child sees a parent or caregiver. While I'm not sure that's true in this case or in most cases, it's food for thought.
I wouldn't beat yourself up too badly about going off on your therapist. I mean, let's face it, the man knows all your deep dark secrets so to speak, he has seen you at your most vulnerable, and you have relied on him for support in a very stressful time.

Most likely, whatever happened, your therapist decided for his own reasons that it would be more beneficial to both of you for the client/counselor relationship to end. I don't really agree with how he did it, the standard usually is to inform the client that you are terminating services with them and then refer them to another counselor. However, I live in the United States, I'm honestly not sure how things work in Great Britian. We are bound by the American Psychology Associations Code of Ethics, which lays out guidelines for client termination of services.

about the CBT therapy, don't get down on yourself for that either. There are a plethora of treatment types for anxiety, depression and so on.

Use that support network, you don't know how lucky you are to have such a wonderful family. Mine loves me, but does not at all understand me or my anxiety problems. If it wasn't for my husband, I don't know what I'd do.

- Interesting to hear from the therapist point of view. I wish I'd been more open with him about how I felt about the relationship I had with him sometimes; as I hid all of these feelings because I thought it was weird and he'd cut me off if he realised how I felt about him. I think I probably did look up to him a little like a parent substitute. I suppose I haven't felt like my parents ever understood my anxieties; so when he made me feel like it was ok to talk about how I felt and didn't tell me off for feeling that way I felt accepted. He meant a lot to me for giving me that acceptance.

- To be fair to him.... I did say I wanted to end it before he cut me off. I just didn't realise till later that every time I said I wanted to end it I was just feeling hopeless... I still wanted him but couldn't do the therapy. So when he held me to my word for the first time reality hit hard. He did try to have an ending session and direct me to another therapist but that day I was so distressed at the thought of it ending with him I wasn't able to even contemplate what he was suggesting...I was just too angry and upset with him to take anything on board.

I'm terrified of entering into this again with someone new but I will accept the help I'm in the process of being assessed for through our NHS service. I suppose I just have to hope it'll feel different in some way as I'm wiser to what it involves given the experience I've already had. I'm a little worried I'm going into it with a feeling it's bound to fail already though.

To be honest I think my family sound very similar to yours in some respect. They love me wholeheartedly, as I do them. I know they'd always be there for me if I ever need something from them. They do try to listen and help if they can but they don't understand and often seem to get frustrated by me. It's easier to just not tell them how I feel and try to just put on a front I'm ok rather than annoy them or upset them. My brother is much more open to me talking honestly and is always there for me with a supportive hug....saying nothing but just being there with me...which is sometimes far more helpful than saying anything sometimes isn't it? Having said that ...we have a family history of mental health problems and many of my family seem to just comment that the way I feel is just normal. Whilst I totally agree to some extent; we all feel anxious or low at times as life is just that way...we all have ups and downs....it is something to seek help with if it means you have trouble leaving the house and feel so low about things that you avoid people in general and frequently think of hurting yourself. They feel some of the things I do and are either able to push through and achieve what they want anyway or accept it's just their personality and don't mind that about themselves. I can't and so I need help....they have trouble accepting the idea of therapy. I believe there's far more of a stigma around therapy in the UK.

Gr8 said...

Buy a nice card for him and write down that you have appreciated what he was trying to do for you. That at that time you wasn't able to get your head round it all and that you regret that all his interventions weren't working out. And that you are sorry that it all ended on a bad note. Don't make it an essay. Keep it short and to the point. Post it to him.
Do NOT make excuses for your behaviour. This wasn't your fault.
If you word it in such a way that you don't put the blame on him, nor on yourself then you will be able to create an ending for you and him. Now even this isn't really your responsibility, but as it is something you can't let go it might be helpful to do this and let it go..

Card made and sent. Why do I keep hoping he'll read it and get back in touch to restart things...even though I know it came to an end for a reason. So annoyed with myself for feeling this way. Logical mind v emotional feelings leaving me feeling frustrated right now.

@ariadnesthread. If you had a patient who felt the way I do now what would you say to them?

@Gr8. I took a look at the thread thanks. I'm not sure I can do any of these things. Worth a try though I suppose.

Hi BT

I live in the UK and have had a number of different therapies through the NHS and some of the waiting lists for talking therapy are horrendous but it's worth the wait.

The relationship between client and therapist is an important one and sometimes it does not work out or the particular type of therapy you are doing turns out to not be the right one. I have done CAT (Cognitive Analytic Therapy), CBT (individual and group) and Mindfulness Meditation through the NHS and found CAT to be the most effective for me I did not really rate CBT but I know loads of people who have had great results and it has the most evidence that it works but it's not for everyone. I had a big setback in the middle of last year and just starting to get on top of things now and what has helped me this time is doing Schema Therapy (Privately) which has been by far the most effective therapy I have done.

Ending therapy is difficult as you do become reliant on your therapist and it is upto the therapist to manage the ending in a way which causes the least amount of disruption. My therapists have always started talking about the ending 4 weeks before the actual end so it's not a sudden stop and you have had a chance to talk through how the ending of your therapy may affect you.

Hibee

Brit,
So people you have trusted in the past have let you down.
In what way did they betray you. How did they betray you. How did it play out. What kind of things did they do to you to make you feel betrayed. What things did they not do to make you feel betrayed.

Have a think about that and see if you still feel that the therpist betrayed your trust in him? Did he treat you the way those others did? Comparing the situations might give you a bit more clarity for yourself.


Waiting list on the NHS are horrendous. If you can afford going private again it might be a better option to bring your anxiety down sooner.
Hang in there, don't give up on yourself. (big hug)

BT,

Congrats on gettin back to work!! You are certainly needed...as good teachers always are. It is a high calline...and makes you far from useless!!! (no more of that talk now, eh?)

Also congrats on your upcoming Aunt-dome! (is that even a term? Probably not!)

This is exciting news, and I am very happy for you.;)

Keep working on using your coping skills to feel your best...and keep up hope and patience in your progress.

We are here for you and cheering you on!

S.C.