Wanted to tell you what happened to get me here

Hi Guys,

Me the rambler, back! I'm just finding this so therapeutic to write on here that when I'm having a moment at work I gravitate towards this to get everything out of me that's been burning underneath.

Today, again minimal anxiety! I even slept without my little half Zopi last night. Mornings are hard, they are really really hard for me. I don't know exactly why as yet but I'm really trying to embrace the mornings. Any tips on morning anxiety would be gratefully accepted!

Anyway, I was ruminating (as I do often) on what got me here. The death of my father set me on a path of obsessing that I would get depressed just like him but mental checks every so often I found myself not feeling any of the classic depression signs. I had blue moments for sure but for years I knew myself I was doing ok.

Then, a year ago when I was working in a high pressure environment and being paid lots of money for it something happened. I have believed ever since then that this was the trigger, the trigger of all triggers for me.

Just as a side note, I was well respected at this company (by the clients) and I worked really hard to get to that stage. The company itself was struggling financially and I had seen a lot of people 'pushed' out of the door never thinking I was at risk.

My whole life is work, I've never been without a job and have never had trouble moving up the career ladder. Anyway...my boss decided one day it was time to cull someone else and he wrote a lengthy email to HR to discuss how they would go about it. The email was accidentally sent to me instead of HR. The content was horrible (I had thought I had a good relationship with him up until that point) and it stabbed me right in the ticker.

I quit and got a new job 2 weeks later (luck, determination, desperation I don't know, I don't know how it happened) a job I love with awesome people. BUT I've been plagued ever since, even a year down the line I think I will be fired on the spot. Everytime the boss pulls me into the conference room I think Im going to be told off/warned/scolded. It has never happened once in the whole year I've been here but some days the fear is intense. In the last job there were a lot of closed door meetings that took place which have lingered in my memory and have made me completely paranoid if I'm not included in a meeting in this new job.

My last 4 weeks of sheer anxiety (over health issues) has passed but now I'm playing catch up at work now that I seem to have entered the real world again. I'm now back to fretting over my job. Only because I have just about held it together but I can see mistakes I made over those couple of weeks and I'm terrified of losing my job. I'm probably nowhere close to that situation but what happened to me has had the most awful lasting effects. I'm so angry at my ex-boss but I know it is essentially me that is causing my body and mind to melt down. I wish I could just let it go. I really really do.

I'm going to go for a swim tonight. If you are reading this I challenge you to do 30 minutes gentle exercise tonight too :) do it! See how it make you feel. I'll update after my dip too xxx

Hi

I find that Mindfulness mediation is really helpful for morning anxiety you will find lots of videos on youtube and we also have some links in our resources guides.

I am pleased to hear you find this forum useful keep us posted with your progress.

Hibee

My whole life is work, I've never been without a job and have never had trouble moving up the career ladder.

I quit and got a new job 2 weeks later (luck, determination, desperation I don't know, I don't know how it happened) a job I love with awesome people.

Have a really good look at those two sentences you wrote.



So, you never had problems to get work or find work. You might not like to lose another job, but you seem very capable to keep moving forward. So why the doubt? Why the worry?
We can not change what other people decide, whether behind our backs or in our face. Some bosses are just ruthless and don't care about the impact their decisions have on their workforce. Nothing anyone can do about that.
I feel that you got the new job because you trusted in your own ability to get another job, as you said you have never been without...................so there was no doubt within your inner self. No doubt that your capabilities would be able to carry you forwards again no matter what. Your past has already proven that.
So keep that in mind. Know your own worth. Remember how you kept moving up that ladder. Focus on that, focus on your own strength. Not the opinion of others.

Hi,

Gr8 - Thank you so much for your reply. Sometimes all I need is for someone to point those glaringly obvious things out to me. Believe it or not my searing self-doubt causes me to ignore my own experiences, it is that powerful. I emigrated to the other side of the world at 21 completely by myself and yet if I don't turn the keyboard projector on in the boardroom for the big boss and he makes a fuss in front of the client I die a little inside and beat myself up for days. I sometimes just need that moment of remembering to "Know your own worth." like you said but my negative thinking and anxiety slithers in like a snake ready to take hold by the neck.
I wish I had found this forum long ago. I guess I didn't understand my condition enough to realise I had my own community after all!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.