Feeling alone so just gonna let my feelings out...

Well its been a while since I posted, but here I go...
Today I have a month without eating solid food or going to school. I hate it but anxiety and depression really make me isolate myself in my room. I dont have the energy to get out of bed or even shower at least. I get easily irritated and absolutely hate being around people. I think I've developed some sort of social anxiety. I've tried to go to family gatherings or try to talk to some of my friends but idk i just have this sort of empty feeling when i talk to people. I try not to freak out and get anxious but i really hate how i feel when im around other people. I see there faces, smiling, not knowing how much hate and envy i have towards them. It's not their fault, its just my bitterness telling me theyre worth more because theyre not weak and broken like me. I feel like I've been robbed from my joy and my pride is just lookig for someone or something to blame. I think its all me though.

I was bright and vibrant. Full of life, the type of preppy annoying girls that you hate seeing because theyre always happy and jolly. These past 9 months have been the best and worst of my life. I've come to treat anxiety as a friend who comes and goes. Ive tried to not let it get to me but my own will has gotten me nowhere but downhill. Im getting a therapist, but im so housebound idk whats going to happen when i leave my house. Ive only left my house to go walk the dogs or to buy groceries but even then the panic kicks in and i just want to run back to my sad little dark room and cry myself to sleep. Im so annoyed with myself, honestly in my opinion my anxiety and depression are so pathetic i should be able to shake it off and go live an awesome life right? Geez atleast thats what the others think, i try explaining to them that im trying but its not easy. They think im doing this for attention or that im throwing a pity party but they dont see all the sweat and tears ive shed trying to defeat this monster ive made strong in my head. Ehh suicidal thoughts are a normal thing now but im too much of a coward to do it. I think about everything I'll lose if i decide to give up.

I dream of a day when i can be the happy person i once was but sometimes i think that ive come across something that is going to become my identity for the rest of my life. As if once you meet anxiety she'll never let you go. Depression is the worst as well on top of feeling constantly worried about pointless stuff you start to deteriorate yourself for feeling this way. I cry every night for about 3 hours until my eyes get tired and I can go to sleep. I dont want to anymore. Im done. I tell myself but the feelings are too strong. I never thought I'd be an insecure or self conscious person but I've realized its not all about how you look. I dont mind my weight or my facials features but my insides I absolutely hate. I hate how bitter ive become, i hate the monster i am, i hate being weak and small. I dont want this anymore, i want the old Emelly back, but im afraid shes long gone. I dont even recognize myself in the mirror. I look pale and thin not the overweight person with the strong facial features. I used to love dressing up and looking my best and now i slumber in my sweats all day.

Sometimes i drown in my sorrows because my pride tells me ive been hurt too many times. I open up to people i thought were gonna be there for me but all i felt was judged. They tell me "get over it" "its all in your head" "oh god emelly this is so stupid just dont think about it" if they only knew how many times ive won, yes my defeats are many but i try i really do try! I want to scream it from the top of my lungs I TRY!!!! I dont want to bug anyone anymore and maybe thats why im so isolated. I dont want to be rejected and hurt just because i know they don't understand and they never will. It sucks when im the only person i know who is like me. I seriously can't believe no one in my family has gone through this but im glad. If they spent a week in my shoes they'd definitely hang themselves. I know God can't give us anything we cant handle but I sure in hell dont know my way out of this hole ive fallen into. sorry if i sound all negative and droopy but it hasn't been my week let alone my year! I feel like a loser rn knowing im not doing anything with my life but moping around in my sweats all day. I want to feel human again 😔💔 thanks for all the love and support! And my best wishes to anyone who can relate! I feel your pain and wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. Thanks again, with a stale love Emelly 🐟

Thanks Cat
Means a lot that you take your time to write words of encouragement. I know I can get better, maybe not tomorrow but very soon. I just started feeling better only to have an aweful week full of disappointment. Plus the whole not eating well really has affected my mood. I think im going to take antidepressants as well, i mean everyone says theyre only gonna make me crazier or bring me harm but i say Hey! Doesnt hurt to try something right? I take ativan .5 for anxiety but i dont always want to rely on meds i want to feel like i have some control over my thoughts and feelings. Idk guess i have to do some research and talk to the Doc to see what would work best for me.

Hey SC!
well the self help recommendations help a bit. When i feel smothered or feel suffocated i try my best to stay calm and do the breathing excercises. Sometimes i dont deal with my anxiety and i try to keep myself distracted by doing arts n crafts. It's just been hard, the whole depression and malnutrition have me feeling all lazy and apathetic. All i feel like doing is laying in bed and watching movies or being glued to my phone. I dont even feel like eating anymore, but i cant force myself even if i try because I'll eventually throw it up.

Definitely going to start taking an AD soon, i was on prozac but not for very long. And hoping i can get my therapy very soon so i should be in tip top shape in a few weeks! I know for now i must deal with my illness but i know i can get better with time.

Hi Emelly

From what I've read you have this fear of choking (correct me if im wrong) which is a tad similar to mine except mine more so stemmed from social aspects.

Any particular incident/bad memory youve had prior to this blowing up?

For me, as far as I remember Ive always had this little irrational fear since all the way back into my childhood, God knows why (...maybe bc of a couple of incidents..not sure)
And it went away for a couple of years as I matured and slowly adapted/forgot about it. Then it "blew up" in my face when I was going through this one particularly stressful period 3 years ago. Like all the old fears and thoughts came flooding back as if I recovered from memory loss.
And i guess this problem maintained and snowballed bc I walked away and completely avoided potential situations.

I just wanna share my piece of story hoping you might find a teeny bit of comfort from it.

Keep going bc Im fighting too, we all are :)

Hi Emelly

I'm glad to hear you'll be in therapy soon! It's okay don't rush yourself these things take time. I used to berate myself like "snap out of it" but showing compassion towards yourself is one of the stepping stones to getting better :) You're taking smoothies to survive that's already a plus!!

I think the more we scrutinize our swallowing mechanism while attempting to swallow a food globule the more difficult it will be. So while doing the deed try to be doing something enjoyable/distracting like watching tv so we shift our focus elsewhere.

To alleviate anxiety on general level u can search for guided meditations on YouTube or even the resources page on here. I find mindfulness meditation the best and try to meditate regularly so u can tap on that inner peace when u need it most.

Keep us posted we're all here and are all work in progress. One step at a time just breathe :)

Hey LawChick!

Hope you get better as well! I know the feeling :/ i miss the person i was before I met anxiety and depression! I think overall my choking phobia is what really has me over the edge rn. Im hoping i get better with some therapy because so far on my own i cant seem to force myself to eat solid foods. hoping you can conquer this as well!