When the toxic person in your life is your family?

I have no idea what to do. I was in therapy for three years, it was mostly about my relationship with my mother. I learned about boundaries in which I did set up for myself. The problem is, I cannot speak to my mother on the phone it causes me huge anxiety that last for hours after. I have not seen her in a year, even though I have asked her and my dad to visit us because it is hard for me to take my son who is large in a wheelchair to her crowded no ramp house alone. But now she wants to visit me, just her and I don't think I can deal with it, just thinking about her being here causes anxiety. My mother is very self centered and has no empathy towards me or my son. Boundaries, how do I set my boundaries, and not completely ignore the ones that stress me out?

It wasn't always like this, my mother and me were very close, that is...until she removed the mask and I saw the monster underneath. I don't trust her, that is broken. If you never had to deal with a narcissistic person you have no idea what I go thru. Her guilt trips, manipulation, lack of empathy, lies and sheer utter lack of responsibility for her nasty words, has ruined me. I love her, but not the person she is.

Hi DS,

I am so sorry you are going through this. :( I know how hard this relationship dynamic has been on you.

You are at a crossroads here where you can make a couple of choices...neither of them easy...

You can agree to a visit and do your best to prepare yourself emotionally for the difficulties you have endured in the past. Knowing what to expect and how to guard yourself by responding (or not responding!) to your mother's behavior could help...essentially staying one step ahead of her.

Another option you could choose is to cease contact altogether. This is of course a drastic measure, but one that many people have needed to take for their own well being.

I don't know where your limits are of course, so you may not be anywhere near that line...

...I am just throwing out ideas.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide...

...and please know we will be here to help you through the situation if/when it arises!

With support,

S.C.

Debra,

You have pretty much explained my feelings about my mother too. I am so glad I found this thread because I thought I was alone with this.

My mom and I always had a great relationship when I was little, but as I started to get older it was rough and she become super controlling and hurtful in her ways. I could probably write a book on my years from 13 years old until now. She become very controlling didn't really let me do anything with friends never let me date and kept me home to babysit my siblings, whom had more freedoms than me. When I was a senior in Highschool the verbal abuse got worse when I got a boyfriend whom I got really close with (whom now is my husband) and she started calling him names, insulting him, threatening to burn his house down. Eventually it lead to a blow up on my 18th b-day, despite me saying I didn't want anything for my b-day she threw this mini-party (I now think to create scene) I had plans of moving out after my b-day and she knew it. well anyways she invited my boyfriend even and wind up blowing up on him in front of everyone, I said enough is enough and left that very night. As time went on it got a little better, we have had our ins an outs but I always kept a reasonable distance.

Then came wedding planning. She was demanding, and controlling, we had planned a small destination wedding to avoid all this conflict and she managed to bring it in. She refused to have anything to do with my inlaws and did nothing but insult them and cause problems. She went as far ask arranging for my sister to be my maid of honor behind my back (when I had told everyone no wedding party, our wedding was only having 16 guests!) whom takes after my mom in her distructive behaviors and she too start conflict and made an issue over something that wasn't an issue. Fast foward to when it was time for our wedding she had me so upset and stressed I was having panic attacks and crying half of my honeymoon leading up to our wedding because she was threatening me not to come if she wasn't allowed to have my sister my maid of honor because it was what she thought "was right". Fast forward to our rehersal dinner where we were to go over the plans with both our parents together, she started issues before the dinner making me dread it, then as she arrives she says "oh by the way I invited your uncle to be in the bridal suite while you get ready since he wants to ride with us". Of course I wasn't comfortable with this being that it's a very personal time and I told her no, well needless to say she started with her threats and even did it in front of my husband parents, leading me to leave our rehearsal dinner early totally ruining it. So our wedding day had a lot of tension and I don't feel that I fully enjoyed it to my fullest extent because I was always stressed on what she would do next.

Post wedding she still kept starting stuff with my inlaws and created a lot of tension between all of us. We're now 4 months post wedding and i'm finding it hard to talk to my mom, and even when she came to visit from Virginia I could only tolerate going to dinner in a public place. Still yet she kept blaming my husbands parents for everything and why we won't come visit. Last week my husbands mother passed away extremely suddenly without any of this ever getting resolved. So now my feelings about my mom are mixed.

A few days a later I had a severe panic attack that I wind up going to the hospital for, my Husband thinks on top of everything else going on in life that all the unresolved stress and anxiety left from the wedding contributed.

Right now I'm about a week post panic attack break down and i'm forcing myself to go back to work, and trying to avoid the anxiety meds the doctor perscribed to help me cope before seeing a counselor. My mother isn't my only source of stress i have a horridly abuse work place at the same time. But in this situation my mom isn't helping and I've had to cut myself off to her because she has been making my panic attack worse and anxiety very high.

I do have to say it does feel good to air this out to someone, not many people know this part about my life I tend to hide it because i'm so embarrassed and makes me sad seeing the relationships some people have with their mother's that I will never have.