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Feeling terrible...thought I was beating this

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Posted 9/14/2015 9:56 PM (GMT 0)
The ups and downs are frustrating. I started taking Lexapro about 7 weeks ago now but started with 5 mg then 10mg and I have now been on 20 mg for 4 1/2 weeks. I had like 1 week and a half of feeling pretty good and then on Saturday morning just very high anxiety. I wouldnt say I had any panic attacks but I feel extremely on edge, restless, and Im having crying spells, alot of them. My morning anxiety which I thought had subsided is now back. Its not as bad as before but it is still pretty strong.

I also got my old racing thoughts again. The thing I feel the Lexapro is helping me with is that the fleeting thoughts of death or self harm that I was getting are easier to simply brush off as just negative thoughts but I definitely feel like depression rears its ugly head when my anxiety is high like this. But Im a normally happy guy and love life so those thoughts still piss me off and scare me and thus add to my anxious state.

The good thing is that I have a great support system around me. My parents and older sister live down the street and my wife is incredibly supportive while I go through this. I think the depression stems from the fact that my anxiety keeps me from enjoying my time with my 5 month old son. I feel like im missing out on these beautfiul moments.

I spoke with my pyschiatrist today and he told me he feels I am going through what he calls a "mini crisis" on my way to recovery. He told me he doesnt want to try a new med just yet because I would essentially have to start all over. He also told me that I have only been on the 20 mg of Lexapro for 4 1/2 weeks and I should stick it out.

He gave me 0.5 mg tablets of Ativan to take as needed but I really dislike taking them. Even if they make me feel a bit calmer I just worry about becoming dependent. He told me he wants me to take 0.5mg 3 times a day until this Thursday and let him know how I am feeling. I am just so scared that that is too much and I will get dependent on it.

Right now I have only taken it as needed. I just want this to end...for the past 3 days I have just had anxiety and horrible body sensations and nothing except the Ativan gives me any relief. My doctor said he understood my apprehension about the drug but he told me this was just a bump in the road and that there was no reason for me to put myself through this if I had something on hand that could calm me down.

Ugggh, I feel absolutely terrible and feel there is no end in sight which I know are just negative thoughts. Anyway I WILL BEAT THIS!

Post Edited (TheKickboxingGuy) : 9/14/2015 3:59:58 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/14/2015 10:37 PM (GMT 0)
TKG,

Many times, these situations are simply, "take two steps forward and one step back". Things won't change overnight or maybe not even for a month or two. Are you working out at all? Perhaps the release of serotonin would be of benefit to you. There is an end in sight and yes, you will beat it.

Do you have anything that triggers your anxiety? I'm sure it can be brought under control.
Posted 9/14/2015 10:47 PM (GMT 0)
Hi TKBG,

I am sorry you are going through a rough time at the moment...but I really believe there is going to be a turn around for you soon.:)

I am so pleased to hear that you are working with your P-doc, and that he is coming up with a plan for you.

The dosage of Ativan that you are being recommended to take is low...and it is temporary.

It is meant to help get you to a calm place in order for you to use your skills to feel your best.

Would it make you feel more comfortable if you used the benzo in combination with some new coping skills?

In this way, you are gaining tools that you can essentially draw upon when the time comes to drop your Ativan and manage things on your own.

You could take a new skill from our Resources every day (and look up more on your own, or get a new workbook...ect.) and possibly feel a little more comfortable this way?

It is a means to an end, and one that I think you will find worth it in the big picture.

Of course you have to feel comfortable with whichever direction you choose...

...so know that we support you either way, and keep us posted on your progress.

We are cheering you on!

S.C.
Posted 9/15/2015 3:16 AM (GMT 0)
The "delight" of my anxiety is that its not really triggered by anything. Im not phobic or anything like that. I truly believe that my anxiety was brought on by a variety of factors, I was worried about my wifes health during her pregnancy (although nothing was ever wrong, I simply worried), I was worried about being a good dad, worried about being able to provide for my son, my job was going through some restructuring so I was worried about losing my job. So all of those worries plus a few mounting bills had me on the edge.

However, what finally detonated my anxiety was when my mother in law (who helps is take care of the baby) had to go back to her home country (her tourist visa was expiring) and my parents were going to be out of the country. I was stuck with no one to take care of my son when my wife and I were away at work. And well for some reason that night the thought of leaving my 3 month old son with complete strangers in a day care center when my budget was already tight sent me over the edge. I woke up with flu like symptoms, a horrible pain in my neck and then, hello full blown anxiety with chest pains, dizziness, sweats, crying spells, panic attacks and all.

10 years earlier, after a struggle with an illness, my jouney with anxiety began. My diagnosis was GAD, mostly because I simply go nuts with worry about just about everything to the point of cuasing myself physical symptoms. I thought I was over this years ago but here I am 10 years later going through it all over again. So far I have been like this for almost 2 months....and well besides the occasional good days it has been horrible. Anyway...thats my story.

I havent had the energy to exercise, eventhough I know I should. Im just so overcome with anxiety at times I can barely function. On the good days I go out and do things, run errands, go to work and grit my teeth through the day, but on the bad days like the last 3 days...I feel like dying. Every body sensation is through the roof and I feel like I am going to lose it.

I know this wont last forever, I beat it before...but right now it seems like relief is so far away. Hopefully its closer than my mind is telling me it is.
Posted 9/15/2015 3:32 AM (GMT 0)
As 1039smooth said, I think it's really two steps forward one step back. As long as you're working on yourself and trying to figure things out - you'll improve.
For awhile there after I started developing it, I was nervous to leave the house but I thought there's no way I'm going to get agoraphobia too (or whatever it's called, dunno if that's the right term) and forced myself to go out when I could.
Awhile ago I needed to listen to relaxation music on the train to stay calm, I needed to listen to meditation music at home to stay calm. Right now I don't have to do that nearly as often and can go back to my normal music.
It's because like you, I keep moving forward and won't accept my current state of mind as normal.
So you're going to get there too.

I'm the same in that mine doesn't seem to be triggered by anything. That's the worst darn part about it. I hate it.
If it were something localized like 'I hate driving and I get a panic attack when I do' then you could start to narrow that down and work on that specifically.
With us, it's more like 'cool I'm relaxed, lets start to panic for no particular reason right now'.

I think we need to learn to stay positive more. That's all I'm focusing on at the moment.
Posted 9/15/2015 8:44 AM (GMT 0)
Hi TKBG

Sorry to hear you have had a bit of a set back I agree with your psychiatrist about this being a mini crisis and unfortunately these do happen I am in one at the moment as well. You need to stay positive and use all your self help skills and tell yourself that you will get through it.

Keep us posted.

Hibee
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