Fear of losing my mind (long read)

Hey Luke,

After reading your story it sounds exactly like me and i know that the thoughts itself are horrible. I started with health anxiety and then somehow it turned into obsessional thinking and all kinds of bad things. Im still currently battling depersonalization and derealization. I have a mother and wife that I need to support and i feel that I cant go back to being happy. I feel like i too will be wheeled away to an institution and never be able to see my family again. Somehow each day passes and I hope that things get better. I cant offer any advice but just know that youre not alone in your battle/journey. Im on skype if you would like to chat some more but are you currently taking any medication for your anxiety?

Luke, your story sounds exactly like mine, I'm 32. My first experience with anxiety came after a medical condition when I was about 19. However, after the medical condition had subsided I was left with panic attacks and horrible anxiety that included my favorite physical anxiety symptom, dizziness, and a feeling of being off balance, in addition to derealization and all sorts of other fun symptoms. I tried CBT and had some success with it but the anxiety was still there and affecting my life.

I was diagnosed by my present psychiatrist with GAD and put on Lexapro. I ended up moving to South America and moved back in with my parents, who were stationed there at the time. I just used it as a time to get over my anxiety, I had lots of ups and downs and then finally after 8 months decided to return to the U.S. realizing I couldn't run away from my problems forever.

I re-enrolled in University and well started doing self help and taking a higher dosage of Lexapro because I as still struggling with anxiety and panic. Then it slowly dissipated, I would say after a year or so of being an anxious mess I enjoyed 12-13 years of life without anxiety. I was on Lexapro 20 mg during all that time and nothing else. Life was good.

Anyway fast forward to about a year and a half ago, and I let myself be convinced by the stigma of mental health, my parents, my now wife, etc...that I was fine now and no longer needed to take the drug. So I slowly weened off the Lexapro (with very little problems mind you) and I thought all was well.

I had a great job, great wife, and then my wife told me she was pregnant and I was ecstatic! My wife is the woman of my dreams and here I was going to have my first child with her. Anyway stress began at work, the pregnancy began, and I found myself worrying about all kinds of things for no reason. My wife was perfectly healthy but I kept worrying about her health during the pregnancy. My company was going through restructuring and people were getting laid off left and right so I started worrying about losing my job. My wife was working but makes little money because she was a dentist in her country but has to go through schooling and revalidating her license all over again, so she could only work as a dental assistant.

After my son was born, I was great for about 3 1/2 months. Then I started worrying about everything and my anxiety and depression spiraled out of control.

That was almost 4 months ago. My son is now 7 months old and I find myself back on Lexapro 20 mg, taking Klonopin 2x Daily, and now my doc wants to add Lamictal because although I have felt a bit better, my anxiety is still high at times and just this past week my depression has gotten worse. I find myself crying for no reason. Scared to leave my house and struggling to concentrate at work.

However, Luke, I will tell you that you shouldn't worry about going insane or crazy. That is a common symptom of anxiety. Especially of panic attacks or moments of high anxiety. I also have thoughts of self harm even though I would never do it, which does makes things worse because you do feel like you are going insane.

During a really bad panic attack, I went to the ER because I simply wanted them to give me something to calm me down, (this was before my psychiatrist gave me Klonopin). The Dr. asked me if I had ever thought about hurting myself and being naive and wanting to be honest I said "yes, who hasn't at one point or another". That was all he wanted to hear and he basically had me admitted against my will to a mental facility against my will. They can do that where I live for a period of 72 hours.

Im not going to lie to you and say the experience wasn't scary, it was, but I also learned a lot being in that place. Mostly that I wasn't crazy and that many people from all walks of life struggle with mental health issues at one point or another in their lives.

Honestly, I feel that what you're describing about wondering if you are hearing things or seeing things, is simply your anxiety playing tricks on you. As well as obsessive thoughts, etc. I have had obsessions of being bipolar, addicted to my meds, that I was going to go crazy, etc. Then I just cant stop thinking about those things and turn myself inside out with worry.

I would advise that you talk to a therapist and psychiatrist about what you are feeling. It seems like you have had some strong issues with anxiety that have never been resolved or attended to. As Scaredy-Cat said, some self help resources will also help. Meditation, reading and learning more about anxiety etc...will all help you understand a bit more about your anxiety.

I write this to you as I go through a pretty bad setback in my recovery of anxiety. Today in particular I spent most of the day crying while holding my son because I feel like I am going to let him down. My therapist says that male post partum depression is actually a lot more common than people realize, so I guess Im going through that. Your issues seem like they are anxiety but you have simply not addressed them....anxiety can manifest itself in a variety of ways. Derealization, dizziness, feelings of going insane, heart palpitations, thoughts of self harm, chest pain, sweating....yeah...it can all happen man.

My advice is for you to talk to someone about it. For me talking to people about my issues has been one of the best things for my anxiety. Am I cured? Not yet....but I for darn sure feel like Im getting close to it.

Post Edited (TheKickboxingGuy) : 11/8/2015 8:40:19 PM (GMT-7)

kickboxing guy-
just had to chime in here, what they did to you in the ER is infuriating to me!

the answer you gave them to the question they asked you is probably the most mentally healthy answer to that question!

yes, everyone has those thoughts float thru their mind at some point, only anxious people worry about them though! the key is to disregard them, treat them as noise and move on to the next thought..

your answer that everyone has those thoughts at some point is exactly the right way to look at it and make those thoughts stop..and for that you got sent to a psych ward..that is just wrong!

Believe me guys it pissed me off too...in a big way. I went to the ER hoping to find some relief from a terrible panic attack and instead I got sent to a mental hospital for 72 hours. The worst part of it was that once the ER doctor made his "diagnosis" that I was suicidal, he never once came back to check up on how I was doing. They took my cell phone and personal effect, put them in a bag, placed one of the nurses on watch and gave me a bright green robe to wear which Im sure was to indicate I was on "suicide watch".

I live in Florida and this is called the Baker Act. Any ER doctor can hold you in a mental facility if they feel you are a danger to yourself or others. However, I have heard that some ER doctors have "Baker Acted" patients that either gave them attitude or they can also do it if they find illegal drugs in your system or drugs that you had no prescription for i.e. marijuana, klonopin, ativan, or any benzos or opiates.

In some cases I agree with it because if someone is really in danger of hurting themselves it makes sense but my therapist stated that so few ER doctors or ER rooms have a mental health professional on staff that they simply are not trained to know when a patient is a serious threat to themselves or not. But this Dr. was an absolute d@#$, my psychiatrist is part of the mental health staff at that hospital's sister mental health facility and I was able to get in touch with him and my p-doc kept trying to talk to the ER doctor in order to tell the doc to lift the Baker Act, but this ER doc was so arrogant that he took offense to the fact we were trying to convince him I was fine. My p-doc told me that both times the guy hung up on him.

My wife lost her cool and almost punched a few nurses and orderlies trying to to get the Dr. to listen to us. I told her to calm down cause they might arrest her. So it was a fiasco. And meanwhile I was having a panic attack. It was a surreal event. But at the end of the day guys, it didn't turn out that bad and well I realized I am not crazy. I actually felt a little relieved at that place because you see some people that have some serious problems...especially those dealing with addiction.

One girl was an absolutely gorgeous 20-something year old girl that could have been a model and when I asked her why she was there she basically said that she was so addicted that if they could plug her into a machine that gave her Ativan intravenously for 24 hours in one arm and Meth in the other she would be the happiest woman in the world. I was like "Oh ok, that's cool." Ha ha ha I met some characters.

Definitely I feel that there are people are fighting with worse demons than anxiety, depression, etc...

We are the sane ones...just a little bit too sensitive to the world.

Luke, I would suggest doing some research in your area and finding a therapist or p-doc with a good reputation and good track record. Maybe someone recommended by friends, family, or whatever and get some help. I am scared of meds but I would be lying to you if I said that they haven't helped me through some very very rough times. You have to be patient because it takes time to find what works for you but it's worth knowing what your options are. Also if you are adamant about not taking meds, then look for a good therapist. My current therapist is amazing and has been cool and always willing to talk to me. It comes with a price sure. But even seeing her once a month has been a big help.

I just think self-help only takes you so far in your recovery. Some people may disagree but I have read enough reports and research papers that talk about how the combination of medication and therapy are better in getting anxiety and depression under control to convince me that that is the direction I should go in. Many years ago I was able to run away to the mountains of South America and stay with my parents to get better. Now I have a son and wife and that's not an option.

L.,

That is a good sign! I am happy to hear this.:)

I do encourage you to look into finding a good therapist or P-doc. They are out there. I am sorry you had a bad experience previously.:(

Until then, keep exploring our Resources...which does have some links specifically for D/P D/R that may be helpful to you.

I hope that your mood and appetite continue to be good...and improving daily! :)

Keep posting!

S.C.

Hi everybody,

i just wanted to give a quick update on how am I doing.

First off, Scaredy Cat, thank you for you kind and encouraging words and also for the resources.

lesweet1971, thank you for the great post and your advises. I would be very interested if you can write more about the symptoms you had and how you overcame it.

I actually read book from Claire Weekes before, it is a really helpful.

It has been a month since i posted here. I don't think I am much better now than i was before. But I guess it takes time for things to get better. I haven't gone crazy yet :) But i still have that fear. The worst thing about it is that feeling of uncertainty. That feeling that if there is anything i can do to stop it, or prevent it from happening.

I went to see a psychiatrist earlier this week. It wasn't as helpful as i thought it will be. We had 30 min to talk, out of which he talked maybe 15 min himself. I mean i understand he need to know my history (past, childhood etc) so we talked about it a lot but then i basically didnt get to explain properly what my issues are right now. I only told him i fear for my sanity. He diagnosed me with GAD and said he suggests me to find myself a therapist and he also suggests medication. I said i was hoping i can do this without meds and he said to think about it and let him know on my next visit (next week). I also asked him if he knows any good therapist that specializes on anxiety as i didn't want to just go online and pick some random therapist hoping he will be the right one for me. Doctor said he knows few good ones but didnt give me any contact anyway.
He also told me that there is no such thing as going crazy, and that the worst that can happen to people is they develop paranoia and become delusional. (That is pretty crazy to me :) But usually the worst that happens is person becomes depressed and develops panic attacks. He then rushed me out because there was other patient waiting. I mean I don't know how these doctors can help people if they see one patient every half an hour, 12 hours a day, which is more than 20 people a day!! He was not making any written notes as i was speaking to him, only scribbled down few when i was leaving. Long story short, i didn't feel i was understood. I felt bad not only for me, but i pictured all the people that are way worse than me coming and looking for help and all they hear is go find a therapist and here is a prescription for pills.

I went home disappointed . For next appointment i will come better prepared, i will write down my symptoms and feelings so we can talk about them, only then i think he can diagnose me based on all the facts.

I feel i will have to do this on my own. I keep telling myself, I can either fail or go through it and come out on the other side a better man.

There are some things i did to get better. I signed up for yoga classes this week, started to read on mindfullness and bought magnesium, clacium and some other vitamins. I also exercise a little on stationary bike, and do some bodyweight training. I also practice acceptance of how i feel which i think is the key to everything. To stop trashing the mind with all the new information on how to get better and just give it a break so it can heal. Easier said than done. Because the problem is i have full attention on myself almost all the time. I watch my thoughts, my reactions etc...it is tiring. This constant introspection is not helping me at all, it is very tiring and counterproductive, and even though i know it, i can't seem to break out of it.

I also have some bad habits i think i need to eliminate such as googling "fear of going crazy" etc. It does not bring me a relief i thought it will.

I have had a couple of good moments (maybe hours) where implementing mindfullnes in daily activity, such as performing my work duties at work and "just be" brought me some peace. I want to get better at this. I know this helped my years ago too. The problem is i get distracted a lot by weird irrational thoughts about reality, existence etc.. I also get these random scary irrational thoughts during a day just about anything. But deep down i know these are all produced because my mind is tired, confused and overwhelmed.

Anyways, i am determined to get better, but have a lot of doubts and feel insecure at the same time. If anyone has similar issues and have some other tips how to get through it please feel free to share with me.

I will try to keep you updated and hopefully one day i can write a success story about all of this and help somebody else.

Sorry for long read

peace

L

Thank you andwes!

So how did you manage to overcome this fear? Can you give me some advice?

Luke,

I am sorry your 1st meeting was disappointing. :( That is frustrating to be hopeful about something, only to be deflated.

However...being just the intake session...I think you are wise to give it another chance.

P-doc's are generally not known for doing their own therapy...but do press him for that referral.:)

Keep up with the self help for now...


...and update when you can!

S.C.

Hello and welcome back!

...and a huge YES and congratulations to you for finding what worked for you!!!

I am so happy for, and proud of you.

My experience was very similar as far as finding the mindset, to accept the anxiety...and yet at the same time, push through with self help for recovery.:)

Thank you so much for updating us and providing inspiration and hope for others reading here!

May your progress continue. ..and please post with anytime for sharing and support!

S.C.

Scaredy Cat and gilly2, thank you for the kind words, i hope you are doing great too!

Hi

Welcome back to the forum it's good to hear you are doing better and thanks for sharing your story it will give hope to others.

Hibee