New here, would possibly like some advice/tips on dealing with separation anxiety.

Hey everyone,

I am new to this forum, as in I literally just made an account haha. So I do apologize if I break any rules or anything- I promise it's unintentional.

Anyways, I was wondering if there were any tips I could have for struggling with separation anxiety. I'm not sure if that's the correct term to describe what I'm feeling, but It's the best one I could come up with. Just for background, I am an 18 year old woman. I have been diagnosed with OCD, Dysthemic disorder, PD, and GAD by my psychiatrist. Most of my anxiety comes from feelings of inadequacy- I'm not pretty enough, not smart enough, not good enough at a given task, etc. I had an extremely invalidating and traumatizing childhood that was incredibly emotionally and physically abusive, and have been told since I was a young child by those closest to me that I am not good enough, not worthy of love. Because of that, I suffer from debilitating self worth issues that bring on severe anxiety.

I am in a very loving, supportive, amazing relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years. We live together, and I know he loves me more than anything in the world. But I have a gut feeling telling me I am not good enough, that he doesn't actually love me because I am not good enough to be loved. This causes me to always question him. I never actually question him because I know its not him- It's me- but I still get easily jealous and suspicious, but try to never ever show it because I realize it's irrational and he isn't doing anything wrong.

The problem that I am asking about however is feelings of "Separation anxiety" when he does anything without me. I usually get it whenever he hangs out with his friends. Its not a fear of being alone per say, it's more of a fear that he will like them better than me and abandon me for them one way or another. I never, ever tell him he can't hang out with his friends as I know my feelings are irrational, and so whenever he says "Hey babe, can I hang out with xxxxx tonight for a few hours?" I never say no unless I had plans for us that evening or am in desperate need of support. He knows it makes me anxious and feels bad about it, but I always assure him that his friends love him too and need him as well, and that he should go out and have fun with them. But whenever he leaves, the thoughts come flooding in. "What if he is enjoying his time with them more than his time he spends with me?", "What if he's so happy recently because hes spending more time with them.. getting away from me?", or "I know hes having fun with them because it's impossible to have fun with someone like me..".

I am going through therapy for this severe self worth problem, but I would appreciate some support and help from those that might have similar fears. I would be really appreciative of some tips on how to deal with the overwhelming fear of being abandoned for not being good enough whenever I am left to myself.


I am really sorry for the long post, thank you to those that read and respond to it.
-Noelle

Noelle - (I love this name by the way!)

I deal with the same thing except I'm a 34 year old woman, mother of 2 young kids and I don't live with my boyfriend. I only see him when I don't have my kids which is every other week for an entire week. When I'm not with him my mind is constantly doubting myself and how he feels about me. Like you, I know this is irrational so I don't let him know, but it drives me crazy. It takes up so much of my time and my thoughts.

To add to it my boyfriend is older than I am an has been single for quite a while so he's very established in his "single" life - he has a TON of friends (mostly single men) that he spends time with. He is always busy with his friends if he's not with me. I constantly start to think to myself that he doesn't want to be with me and he's just being too nice to break up with me, etc. Mind you, I myself am a very independent person who needs my own space - it was a major problem in my previous marriage actually! So I know it's completely possible to do your own thing and still be madly in love with someone. However, I still get the "separation anxiety" all the time.

For me, I am also working with a therapist on this. She is working with me to have phone-free times throughout my day/evening. I actually turn my phone volume completely off (not even on vibrate) and I refuse to look at my phone for a set period of time when I'm not around my boyfriend (it started at like 15 min but I'm building up to hours). This way I don't know whether he's checking in with me to say hi or not - I don't sit here thinking "hmm, he hasn't texted me in an hour, I wonder what's on his mind that he hasn't thought of me or wanted to say hi...". Instead I do my own thing. It's not easy but I'm getting better at it and it is helping a little.

My therapist also is strongly encouraging me to find my own things to do and keep busy with. Rather than go home and crawl into my bed and just sit there thinking about my boyfriend, I'm trying to keep busy. I have a whole list of things to do from coloring to cleaning to trying new hobbies, exercising, taking a bath with soothing music, meditating, deep breathing, etc.

I also am creating a vision board to hang on my wall. It's a board that has pictures and words to remind me of where I want to focus - things like Mexico/Hawaii (where I really want to go on vacation), hiking stuff (a new hobby of mine when the weather is good), positive words like Strong, Independent, Valuable, etc.

Finally, my therapist has me doing affirmations. Throughout the day, but especially when I'm in a cycle of separation anxiety, I tell myself an affirmation over and over and over again. She said an easy one is "I'm worthy and valuable". Personally I don't really like that one but I sometimes use it because I haven't found anything better. Sometimes though I'll say something like "I am pretty, funny, and confident in myself" or something along those lines. Whatever I need to hear at the time. Just make sure you don't use any negative words at all. Such as saying "I don't need someone else to make me happy" - the word "don't" is a negative word. Instead change the statement to say "I am happy by myself".

Those are just some suggestions based on my own personal experience. Hopefully at least one of them is even slightly helpful!

If you ever want to "talk", feel free to send me a message!

Good luck - I'm very impressed with you for being so self aware about this issue at such a young age. I'm sorry for your past, but it sounds like you are on a great track for a wonderful future!

Comparmentalization: http://wolfandiron.com/mind-man-compartmentalization/

The Resources are at the top of our (Anxiety/Panic) forum page for, the first thread.

 

Here is the link for the Therapy Worksheets specifically...

 

Therapy Work Sheets:

http://www.get.gg/freedownloads2.htm

Hope you find them helpful!

S.C.