I have decided a while ago that compulsive testing for HIV is NOT the answer. A practical 'Plan B' if I did ever test positive for HIV is more practical and helpful, but I realize that though the worry can get better by focusing on positive action (I'm 51 and have worried off and on about
HIV since I was 25), I believe that tests will always make me uncomfortable no matter what I do. Like fear of flying, OCD is probably something I'll always have to cope with.
I teach in China and every year we must get tested for HIV (among other things- I'm far more likely to fail the test because of hypertension or something). I had unprotected sex with my finance on several occasions some months ago (straight heterosexual sex), as I felt assured by the fact that we were engaged. She is also a school teacher and is tested every year as well, or so she told me. I'm quite sure public workers and civil servants are tested here yearly. Unfortunately we broke up, and now I'm facing the test again in May, with a risk that, let's face it, is pretty remote. My daughter is moving in April, so it makes getting tested that much more uncomfortable (OK- dreadful).
However, much of the time I don't think about
it, which is a big improvement for me. However as the date draws near for the med check probably I'm going to itching to take preemptive action and resolve the worrying by getting a private test on my own. Yes, a negative result will ease my mind (after going through the 'hell week' of waiting, but I am going to try my hardest to just go through with the school's schedule as I'm certain that this sort of compulsive testing keeps me from getting better. I want to try to see the possibility of HIV through my own eyes, not the stigma and the probable deportation, etc., through the eyes of others. I think as part of this phobia I just have to say, 'OK, there's a VERY small chance of testing positive. But to hell with what other people think. What can you do with your life if you were diagnosed HIV positive?' In fact, I think it's healthy to imagine and ask ourselves questions like this. What positive things could we do if we discovered we were HIV positive, or were diagnosed with cancer? What good can come out of something bad? What could we give to the world having that status? What comradery could we forge? Well, you can see that there are many positive hidden aspects in things that we dread. We have to find our virtues and act upon them.
Tonight a whole movie was ruined for me when in the beginning a teenager found some condoms in his parents' room. It triggered a mild panic attack that lasted the whole movie. It was a coming of age movie in which an awkward boy fell in love with a beautiful girl. Instead of admiring the sensuality of the film (it was very well directed and performed), all I could think of were the diseases they might get, especially HIV, if they had sex. To me, the beautiful young woman might as well have been as alarming as a scorpion. That's how ugly my mind can get when I have an attack and I pretty much can't stop it once it starts. 'This too shall pass' as they say though and it does. It finally calms down.
I wrote a lot. If you read it all thank you!