Posted 2/17/2016 1:56 PM (GMT 0)
I posted once before about 2 weeks ago and then went through a lull where everything started to turn around, but now I'm back in the pit.
I have struggled with anxiety off and on since I was a small child. It laid dormant in my teen years until about age 18 and ever since I have struggled with panic, chest pains, nausea, cramps, bloating, the sense of looming doom, irrational fear, really bad hypochondria and it's killing me. 3 weeks ago I had a digestive episode that really kicked into overdrive and went 2 weeks feeling constantly nauseous, bloated, sick, weak and unwell. Finally, in the middle of the week last week, I started to feel better. I went out last Saturday night and went to dinner, then saw a movie. Normally Saturday nights consist of me going out bloated, gassy and anxious. Then if I sit in a theater to watch a movie, I start panicking, my chest gets tight, my stomach starts killing me, I feel like I'm gonna vomit. But this past Saturday, I enjoyed a big dinner with no issue, I was happy, my mood was great, I was energetic, I watched the movie without any issues at all. It was wonderful. Then Monday night rolls around and I'm taking a night cruise as I like to do often and suddenly I get this sense that something's not right and my stomach starts to hurt. Since then my anxiety (I guess it's nothing lethal) has been through the roof. My stomach is in knots, especially in the morning and at night. I can't sit still or relax because my stomach is flipping and flopping on me. I get dizzy spells in the morning and kept feeling faint this morning. My apatite is pretty much non existent and when I do eat, I feel nauseous and force myself to keep it down. I'm shaky, rattled, weak, panicking and I can't stop googling and worrying it's something serious but the catch 22 is, I'm terrified of doctors. I'm not the type of hypo who researches on the web then runs to the doc every couple of weeks asking for tests specific to what I think I have. I google and convince myself I have some terrible kind of cancer and then I just stay in my own mind, waiting for it to get so bad I HAVE to be taken to the hospital.
I get obsessive and it's so hard to get out of the cycle. I try and rationalize, because I've been through some rough bouts before and made it out alive but it's so hard. It's so hard to live this way. I feel trapped inside my own body. I can't stop checking below my eyes for signs of jaundice because I'm convinced I have pancreatic you know what.
It's been only a few days since it kicked back up but its so intense and I'm right back where I was two weeks ago. The hardest part is keeping a level head and not going to really dark places. I'm a big, muscular guy, I love to eat, I love to live but this is no way to live. I feel so alone.