Long story short. In 1955 when I was two years old my father beat me severly. He was arrested for child abuse and got off. He didn't think I was his child. That was the most tolerable part of the physical and mental abuse because I don't remember it. I was a bed wetter until I was 13 and got beat every morning that I had an accident. He would wake us up in the middle of the night when my mom worked graveyard as a pbs operator at a hospital. He threatened harm, so we would scream over the phone to make my mom rush home. He thought she was cheating. He beat my brother and I, then soaked us in a tub of cold water for hours to try to hide what he did to us. I was knocked unconscious during that event and many others. He held us both up by the neck off our feet until we both passed out. I was thrown in the air against a door and couldn't breath and still have problems with my neck. He was 6'5" and weighed 260 and strong as an ox. I watched him drag my sisters down the hallway when they were very young. Needless to say he was a monster even in this small sample. I buried myself in sports and was my High School's Most Outstanding Athlete in 1971. Went to CIF in 3 sports, set the HS record in Pole Vault at 14' that stood for 15 years. I was offered a full ride scholarship to Colorado State for football. My father threatened my mom if my brother and I didn't go in the Navy. He never witnessed a track meet, football game or wrestling match in my athletic career. I ended up on a river boat during the Vietnam War and my brother was a crewman in a VP squadron. Both dangerous horrible events in our lives. After successfully working for 40 years in Public Safety and Teaching, I recently retired. Never had a single problem in my work life. I'm in my sixties now and I have recently alienated both of my daughters and I'm struggling to keep my marriage of 44 years together. Day before yesterday I exploded into a rage because of something my daughter said to my wife. It was imbalanced in scale for what was said. I kicked her and my grandkids out right then. It felt as though it wasn't me doing this, almost as though I was watching a movie of myself. This has led to a feeling that I no longer can control my anxiety and anger. Fortunately my doctor allowed me to see him right away. He put me on Lexapro which I just started. I'm trying to find counseling here in our town which I've narrowed down to a couple of therapists. Never had a panic attack in my life but twice now I feel like someone is standing on my chest and I start breathing weird. Just seems like I can't get a grip anymore. Little frightening I must say. Aside from what I'm trying to do long term, is there something I can do in the short term to stop the spinning and nervousness.?
***I needed to edit your post, not to minimize what you went through, but rather because the detail and content could be triggering for sensitive readers...thank you for your understanding.***
Post Edited By Moderator (Scaredy Cat) : 10/27/2016 10:52:44 PM (GMT-6)