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Marriage on the Brink with Husband's Anxiety Disorder

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Posted 8/21/2017 5:48 AM (GMT 0)
Hi all,

This is my first post but I've read many topics on this site and I've seen some very thoughtful answers and I am hoping for some advice.

I have been together with my husband for 9 years and married for a year. He has ALWAYS been a very, very anxious person. He has a hard time making eye contact and even speaking up for himself. Which has caused problems in our relationship previously when he hasn't stood up for me as well. Anyhow, 6 months into our marriage after a small surgery my husband started having severe pain (unrelated to the area of surgery), couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and couldn't urinate so much so he was rushed to emergency rooms several times. Over the course of the next few months, he swiftly deteriorated mentally..sobbing uncontrollably, getting angry because myself and his family didn't understand and even threatening to kill himself twice to the point that emergency mental help was called by myself and his parents. Fast forward a month or two and through discussions with psychologists and mental health works it has been assessed that all his pain was brought on by anxiety and has subsequently been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and OCD. It has now been over 8 months that he has been off work and while I'm glad he's getting help but I am exhausted. The emotional roller coaster has caused several heated arguments and as soon as the arguments are over he will go downhill physically again for a week or so. I'm working 60 hours a week, we were trying to get pregnant and he is barely doing anything at home besides reading books (non self help related), watching youtube and doing the dishes. I have to ask him specifically if I need help getting anything other than dishes done and I'm just tired and angry at this point. I have emotionally checked out and this further doesn't help his physical state. During our fights he has also said quite a few times that the reason that his anxiety got to the point it did was because of our communication and my reactions. I 100% agree that our communication style doesn't work and I feel that the anxiety and OCD have somewhat hindered communication many times. And I also think that my tolerance level for him has gone way downhill over the course of this. So I can take credit for being quick to anger.

I just don't know where this goes from here? I have lost a lot respect for him over the course of this. Mostly for the outbursts towards me and his family and now saying that the anxiety he has had all his life is because of this relationship. In our last argument he said that he is changing so now I need to change and that if I can't see the role I play in this relationship and it's role in his anxiety, it won't work. I feel like I'm going crazy.

Sorry if my post is all over the place, I just tried to spew out everything I could think of.
Posted 8/21/2017 7:24 AM (GMT 0)
I know its very tough being on the receiving end of things. It really puts a heavy weight on your shoulders both mentally and physically. My wife and I have gone back and forth with my mental states as similar to your husband, I have GAD, OCD and depression. I give many props to you and your willingness to help your husband during these desperate times. I would like to say that a lot of the things he does and says is being said through a filter of his anxiety/depression. Its so crazy how just have some breakthrough anxiety made me feel as if my wife was going to leave me because of all this but its what the filter had me see and not what was going on in the reality of it all.

My first question is if your husband is on any type of medication regime?
Posted 8/21/2017 3:55 PM (GMT 0)
Hello and welcome!

I am very sorry to hear all that you and your husband are struggling with currently. I know how difficult this is for both of you.

I too am interested to know if your husband is seeing a psychiatrist for help regarding medication...and also if he is regularly attending therapy for the best possible well rounded treatment plan.

It can be difficult for a partner, finding the balance between support...and the expectation of the loved one to proactively seek treatment/recovery.

As with any physical illness...the anxiety sufferer does not choose the illness...nor can it simply be willed away. However, management on your husband's part can be expected by you...so that you are not forever carrying the load/burdens of the entire family.

Therefore coming up with an outline of your expectations should be a goal. You can set what you consider to be reasonable benchmarks for him to reach for...in order for you to feel that he is trying his hardest to move forward in his treatment.

You can then go with him to his next therapy session...and together with his mental health specialist...ascertain if the plan is reasonable...and make a plan of action for his goals.

This is of course going to take more patience on your part, things will not change right away. However, considering the positive aspects of your union, (previous to his set back post surgery) hopefully you can dig deep and find the motivation to give it a bit more time and effort.

With understanding and encouragement!

Scaredy Cat
Posted 10/16/2017 3:34 AM (GMT 0)
I want to thank everyone who replied to my original post and I'm sorry I didn't have a chance to respond back but I very much appreciate the responses.

Since my original posting things in our marriage have spiralled into a disaster. My husband stole my credit card and took some money off of it, has broken my phone and just yesterday I discovered that he was having an emotional affair with an old girlfriend. I've had it. I have told him it is over and I am phoning a lawyer and seeking a separation. This has had such an emotional toll on me and I can't and won't do this anymore. Since me telling him this he has threatened suicide repeatedly and just hours ago told me he checked into the ER because he couldn't breathe. He has repeatedly many time said he's sorry and a f-up and how much he loves me but I am firm in my stance that I will not let myself go down with him..enough is enough. But the next few weeks / months will be very trying.

I am currently paying our mortgage because he has no income so I feel like I will have to stay here with him until he is better and can get back to work and be able to either find a place or pay the mortgage and I find a place because I can't afford a mortgage and rent. But how can he get better with his soon to be ex wife living with him? So I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and hard place......either leave and go rent an apartment and then he won't be able to pay the portage and our home will ultimately go into foreclosure or stay, wait until he's able to mentally function at work (however long that will take) and let him find a place to rent? How in the world am I going to keep myself sane while dealing with a man that clearly needs a lot of help. I don't want him on the street but I also want to be able to function myself, hold my job and not lose my own sanity in the process of this.

Sorry for the rant, and thanks for listening.
Posted 10/16/2017 3:38 PM (GMT 0)
D.,

I am sorry to hear that things have come to the state they are in. You can certainly feel validated in your feelings...

...as anxiety is no excuse for the behavoir mentioned in your last post!

Wishing you the best in managing what sounds like a difficult sepearation/dissolution.

I hope he finds the help he needs...

...and I encourage you to self care during this time, and in moving forward.

S.C.
Posted 10/16/2017 4:11 PM (GMT 0)
I had a similar situation in that the marriage was gone, but the us both buying the house we lived in was still there.

Problem!!!

The bad marriage also started when we had a small child. Problem!

You don't have the child, so you can thank your lucky stars that you did not complete your plans to have a child. Chalk one up to good luck.

Another thing you have going for you is that you work. I didn't, I had bipolar, found it hard to keep a job, so I couldn't hardly go anywhere even though I was being abused for decades.

Since you have a job and no kid, why can't you just sell the house, get your 1/2 of it, and get out of there? Use the money to buy down payment on another house, and just pay the mortgage payments on the new, perhaps cheaper, house?

I think key is getting out of there. Not waiting for any more arguments, but just, getting out of there, and let him holler at the wall. No kids, no bipolar, holding a job, I would like to have had your situation.

I'm not saying I would I would have actually left, but give me your situation and watch me work. Maybe.
Posted 10/20/2017 10:19 PM (GMT 0)
I respect everyone's opinions on here. That being said, I would offer the opposite of what TT said. My marriage almost fell apart because of my anxiety and related alcohol use. My wife is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but in the thick of my anxiety, I couldn't see it. Anxiety is so demanding that it takes over one's life. It's all I could think about, and I couldn't even make time for my family.

Thank god I got help and saw the light. My wife and I are reconciled and are in a great place now. She understands my anxiety and supports me through the hard times.

If your marriage is good, don't let it go. If it's on it's way out, dissolve it, but don't use anxiety as the excuse.
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