she's gone

Hi to those of you who know what I've been living through for 5 months
The roller coaster has come to a halt. Mom passed.
Death is not pretty but hers was not peaceful like my dad's was and it's disturbing.
Although she had hospice care at home-(weekly visits from a nurse, home health aid, chaplain, social worker) when it came down to the end they did not have a critical care nurse available to help me. So I was responsible to administer her pain, anti anxiety and morphine to her.
I'm a horrible nurse
I followed their instructions but I couldn't make her comfortable- it took forever for her to pass.
t one point she asked me to help her die
I said Mom- only God can do that

Strange thought-although during the roller coaster there was a night here and there that I needed an 1/2 of Xanax to go to sleep- it really wasn't often and during the end stages and now- there was no need. I am almost ridiculously calm.
In a transition period. Feel quiet & tired.
Thanks for listening.

Extremely sorry to hear this.

My uncle passed a couple years ago from bone cancer and my cousin took care of him until the end. He too said he felt peace after his father passed.

So sorry to hear...you have been so strong ..May God be with you..May her soul rest in peace..

Thanks all for your support.
Anxiety is creeping in all of a sudden. I dream that she is still alive and that I'm still taking care of her.

Deborah while my mother was passing I asked her to come as a beautiful bluebird so I would know she made it over the rainbow. I played this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1bFr2SWP1I softly by her ear.

So far no bluebird- but its too early for them to be here

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's passing. I went through this about 4 years ago with my mom and there is nothing that can prepare you, even when you know it's coming. My mom also asked for help with dying as well and it broke my heart to pieces. I hope you can find peace now that she's at peace.