I went to a therapist today and got some news that has me scared....

I was ok with it for the first few hours I was home, but now all I am is very very frightened. I learned that I'm bi-polar, along with what she called severe depression and severe anxiety. I have an aunt who is bi-polar and my great grandmother was bi-polar. I don't remember my great grandma, but my aunt is a totally different story. She used to be so much fun to be around. She'd come visit me at the hotel I worked for at the time and take me to lunch and we'd talk for hours. Then all of a sudden she became noncompliant with her meds and flipped out. She has a lot of money and many years ago she set up trust funds for me and my three sisters. I thought this was very generous and told her thank you so much but she didn't have to do that, I just wanted her in my life. She said no, she felt we needed to be taken care of and since she has no children that she wanted it to go to us. I sent her a christmas card one year and she called my dad and yelled at him, saying we were all just after her money, no warning at all. She had a bunch of things that my grandparents had given to her over the years and she packed it all up and threw it all in their driveway. She sent my dad all of her pictures, family photos. She disowned all of us with no explaination. I was very upset. This bickering went on for years. It came between a lot af family relationships. My grandpa died in August and my dad made arrangements for her to see him alone. She told the mortuary guy that we were the ones who disowned her and everything was our fault. We hated her. None of this is true. I feel so bad for her. We had my grandpa cremated and she tried to talk the coroner into giving her some of the ashes against my grandma's wishes. She is extremely manipulative.

As we were preparing my grandpa's obituary, we found out that not only was my great grandmother bi-polar but she suffered from severe depression and anxiety and from severe migraines. My other aunt on my dad's side gets these same migraines. So I guess I'm genetically predisposed to all of this crap on top of family history of arthritis, fibromyalgia, low blood pressure etc.

I guess my real fear is I don't want to end up like my aunt, so full of hate and spite that it consumes her. I sometimes feel myself getting there with regards to certain people, my husband's ex-wife is a prime example. Sometimes I get myself in real trouble by mouthing off to the wrong person. I've yelled at cops, judges, court clerks, lawyers, you name it. The reasons for these run in are very long and complicated, let's just say it has to do with hubby's ex. I hate her.

I'm making an appt with my PCP to see if he can put me on something for bi-polar. If he's not comfortable with it, there is a nurse practitioner who specialized in this area that practices there with the counselors. I'd make an appt with him. 

I'm really scared. It's 2am and I'm still up. I was up until 5:30am yesterday, I don't know why. Does anyone have any advise for me? Am I taking the right route with this? My hubby already worries about me and now I've added something else for him to stew about. I'm causing problems no matter what I do or where I go. I feel alone, useless and worthless. I'm a financial strain on my family. I'm an emotional strain on my family. Don't know what to do next. I'm the type that wants answers right now. I'm very impatient and it's making my anxiety worse to have to wait on the docs and the couselors etc.

Thanks for letting me vent guys. I appreciate every one of you.   

Good morning Chell~

    I too have bi-polar, fibromyalgia, anxitey, depression w/sever headaches.  Wow....sound familiar?  Even though you may have it because of your gene's, does not mean you are a "carbon copy" of your female family members.   Besides, you probably don't know exactly how each family member handled their own issues with it all, ie. meds, therapy, support from other's.  Then it just depends on you.  Be positive.  I ALLOWED it to get me down.  Do NOT allow that.  I quit working over a year ago.  That was bad.  BUT...the headaches were too much.  Now that I have sat around here for a year; also putting a financial strain on hubby, I wish so badly that things were different.  I am 44 this year.  I don't have a whole, heck of a lot of options.  I am a mother of a "tween".  I am not physically able to do manual labor. (I use to work at Ford) and I am too "absent minded" to do any THINKING work.  I feel screwed.  But, something will change!  I have faith.  Please just do what your PCP and/or Psyc Doc's suggest.  They know best and with your input it can stay under control for you.  And this place ROX as far as support.

    I have had such a rough time with sleep issues also.  For me, Trazadone has been a godsend.  It does not help me fall asleep, but it gives me better sleep.  It has made a big difference for me.

    Don't be afraid anymore.  Be someone special that you are. 

God's Blessings

Becky Lynne~

Thanks Becky Lynn for your input
You as well hunnypie

Hi Chelle,

I have not personally been diagnosed with bp, so I'm certainly no expert. I looked at the meds you are on, listed in your signature. A good friend of mine is bipolar, and I'm not sure how true this is, but I asked how they diagnosed her bp when we became friends, and she told me that when she was put on antidepressant, it caused her "manic" episodes to surface. She told me bp people have to take different type of meds. If the diagnosis is correct, there are appropriate meds to treat it. I am wondering if it is correct... or if you would have had an immediate bad reaction to the antidepressant if it is correct. You should really post some questions in bipolar to get some first hand info from them. If you are seeing a THERAPIST rather than a psychiatrist, I would definitely get a second opinion from a psych. I have often questioned my doc about the possibility of my having bp, because I have times when I feel happier, and then my depression comes back... but she assures me that this is common and I am not bipolar. The bipolar "highs" (manic episodes) are much higher than most people experience, and I would think that you would have noticed signs of this long before this therapy visit. Depression and anxiety go hand in hand... but this does not mean you are bp. IF you have bipolar, you are not sentenced to be like your aunt or grandmother, there are very good drugs to treat it. Also, I wouldn't worry so much about your past "temper" outbursts too much... if that was truly a symptom of bp, I think the whole world is bipolar. Everyone loses their temper sometimes... , yeah... me too. Try not to worry too much about this... and be sure to visit the bp forum and ask some questions. ((((((BIG HUGS)))))))),

Bear

 

Oh Chelle --

So sorry, only just saw your post! -- Well, the good news is that you have been diagnosed, and diagnosis means that you can get treatment. Bipolar does need to be managed by meds and therapy, yes, but really this shouldn't be too much of a shock to your system as you already get help from these sources. The key thing is that, with a bit of trial and error (which is sadly always the way with bp prescribing!), you'll get onto the *right* meds for you.

When you say your great grandmother had severe depression, actually this was part of her bipolar (as bipolar is basically manic depression = depression + manias). Back in her day *all* mental health treatment was rubbish (and really we only have to go back a generation or so to realise that things are *vastly* better now in terms of diagnosis and appropriate treatment). What she would not have had was proper medication, and it's without that that there are real problems for bp sufferers. You *will* have this, so there's no need for you to get like your aunt (who, crucially, stopped taking her meds -- hugely increases the risk of bipolar getting out of control!!). And you do indeed sound like a *fabulous* patient, which is *ideal* for bp treatment! :)

As others have said, it might help to her a second opinion, just so that you're *sure*. But you do seem to have the right family history for it, and some of your symptoms sound bipolar to me (anger and "run ins" in particular).

As Bear says, you need to make sure that you get to see a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist/therapist for bipolar meds. If oyu can, find one who does therapy as well, so that you're not running between 2 different people (as you do need therapy to help you manage this condition too). Some of the folks on the bp board might have some good ideas about how to manage the financial pressures (I'm in the UK and our system's very different, so I'm no good on this at all!).

You put your finger on it in your last post about the vicious circles. Lack of sleep is a bp trigger, as well as a symptom of the manic side of the illness. So do get help on this quickly: as bad as the depressions get, the manias can be more damaging in the long term (to relationships, finances, etc.). Sounds like that was where your aunt was at for a long time, so you've got a real insight into why that needs controlling smartish. It's also much more likely that the manic side is dominant with you at present because you're on anti-depressants but not (I think) a mood stabiliser: you really need both to manage bp. In general mood stabilisers are better for controlling manias, and a-ds are better for depression, fairly obviously lol -- but it's also known that, without a mood stabiliser, a-ds can send a bp sufferer into mania (which is where bp is significantly different from (unipolar) depression in terms of treatment. This is something to get a psychiatrist onto pressty smartish if your diagnosis is confirmed.

Do come over and join us in the bipolar forum -- it's not as busy as the a-p forum, but it's just as lovely a group (and you'll get to know everyone pretty quickly!) -- you'll soon see that bp sufferers don't necessarily end up like your aunt! And remember, many people manage bp very successfully (and are themselves very successful), so don't think of it as some kind of life sentence!!

Hope you'll join us!!! :)

Rosie xx

Seechell, get that second opinion if only so that you don't have any doubts. Then get yourself the best medical care you can afford. I don't know anything about BP but I don't think it has to be your Aunt's story. There has to be something to explain what happend to her even if your family doesn't know about it. It sounds like you have great resources available. Talk to the people that you have the most faith and trust in even if your PCP is comfortable you might want to go ahead and talk to the nurse practitioner.

I believe that knowledge is power and every time you talk to someone who is knowledgable about BP you will find out a little something that you didn't know before. Make yourself the expert in your life and work with experts who know you well. You're strong and your smart, I know you can put together a program that works for you.

We're here.

Try not to be upset. I know it's hard not to.

My husband is bi-polar. No one would ever know unless he told them. He is on meds that keep it under control.

God bless you.

Hi Chelle,

Ooh -- I'm envious of you now -- lavender is one of my very favourite smells! and I *love* thunderstorms (I know, some will be jumping up and down at that thought!) -- I don't normally go for sound cds, but that one really appeals! -- Where did you get it?

It doesn't surprise me that your PCP is uncomfortable dealing with this condition -- in fact, it's probably more that that: he/she is probably not qualified to diagnose you and prescribe the meds! Your counsellor's idea to get you a good psychiatrist is the best one: he/she will be able to assess you properly and confirm or rule out the diagnosis, and then if necessary start you on the meds.

You sound like you have a great environment for helping you deal with this -- and indeed the quirks of life in general lol

Remember: you are still the person you were before this diagnosis (whether or not that is confirmed). The only difference now is that you've been alerted to something and if you do have bp you can now start getting treatment for it, and life will be so much easier when you have that sorted if you are bp. -- Always remember what greyhound said: most people would never be able to guess who around them is bp once those people are being treated for it.

I can see that the philosopy of your signature tag line has already begun to kick in and I really salute you for that. You are a strong person.

Rosie x

Hi Chelle,

Oh darn it, I'm in the UK! Never mind, I will do a web search and see if I can't find something like that online. :) It does sound brilliant. But guess what, I was just thinking about how great it would be to be listening to that cd last night when... yup, flash of light, clap of thunder, and rain, rain, rain!! Yipee -- perfect timing!! :) My own personal thuderstorm!!!

Glad my sig line makes you smile!! :)

Rosie xx