Teach Your Children Well...Please.

I've gotten a lot of nice responses from my lipstick thread and I want to share something that is very important now. We've all grown up saying the old rhyme, "Sticks and Stones". Our parents tried to convince us that words were something we should just dismiss when our peers insulted us with cruel remarks. Mom and dad were doing the best they knew how to shield us from the inevitable. I donn't know about you, but I STILL carry the bruises and scars from the cruel words of my peers. My only protection was to not let them see how much their taunts were hurting me inside. That would've just fueled their lust for tears and I refused to give them that satisfaction. Thankfully, my mom taught me that early on. Sure, I'm 42 years old now so what little kids said (and the not-so-little kids) don't hurt me any more. Right? Wrong. Definitely wrong! True, I can rationalize now how they were just foolish youngsters and such, but I can't rationalize away the emotional pain that I carry until this very day. I recall the fat jokes. Those were actually not the worst. What stands out the most was what happened in 12th grade. I was in homeroom. As usual, I sat in my seat and minded my own business. I was chubby, but not grossly fat. I had long pretty hair and wore tastefully applied make-up (learned about that one early on, as you know!) Although I make no claim to having been a breathtaking creature, I was far from the homeliest girl in school or even in that classroom. As I sat there in the front row, Eric, a tall black guy that actually had a crush on my sister, came up to me and started talking to me about how Tony, a friend of his that was sitting in the back of the room, wanted to take me to the prom. Now believe me, he was NOT serious. He was laughing as he said it. Tony and the other uys in the back of the room were laughing and shaking their heads. Everyone in class was taking all this in. I was the center of attention. The joke seemed to be that no one would ever seriously want to go out with the likes of me, much less take me to the prom. Being deeply hurt, I defended myself with the most hurtful thing I knew to say---that I would never go out with a black boy. Now this was not true in itself, because I am not prejudiced and had numerous crushes on black guys thru the years. I didn't use the "N" word though. Even then I couldn't bring myself to sink that low. I was just trying to hurt them back where I thought it might hurt them too. When the bell rang, I made a bee line to the door and walked quickly to my next class. When I got to my desk, I laid my head on my desk and cried. I kept wondering what it was about me that was so disgusting and ugly that I was the butt of such mockery. My teacher asked me what was wrong and I stepped outside of class and told her what had happened. I told her that I didn't know what was wrong with me. I wore clothes that were fashionable and my hair and make-up were nice too. All she did was suggest that I go to such-and-such a clothing store and buy some clothes fro there. Like I said though, my clothes were NOT out-of-style. I'd learned the hard way what that would've gotten me, years before and even then, in my darkest hour, I knew that I was dressed appropriately. Anyhow, all that the teacher did was make me feel that it was something about me that wasn't right. I didn't know WHAT it was, but I was not good enough somehow. I could never measure up and would never do so. You'd think that I would've gotten over that by now, but I never have. I have my phobias, including a phobia of relationships, so I've never had a boyfriend. Never. I will die a spinster. Don't try to tell me I won't, because I know what I know. Till this day, I am still uncomfortable calling myself a "woman". And the thought of a guy liking me seems ludicrous. I attribute a lot of my negative feelings about myself to the events of that day. No, it isn't the sole reason, but it plays a part. I remember when I lost a lot of weight in the mid 80's. I looked better than I'd ever looked in my life, but I still felt unattractive and unlovable inside. I've never felt worthy. I can't. Some of you may think that I'm just having a pity party, but I'm not. I'm just telling you the honest truth. I wish I could reason my negative feelings away, but they are even bigger than me. I could tell y'all so much more. You'd be amazed really. When I think back to all the things that have shaped my life and feelings, it's a wonder I'm able to get along as well as I manage to do. Thank goodness for friends like you and also for being able to have a sense of humor! So please, when you're telling your children to treat others nicely, let them know that it goes beyond just doing the right thing. Let them know that it can actually affect ones' lives forever. As they grow up, you can explain it a little bit more as their comprehension grows. Thanks for listening.
Luv,
janet

Hi Janet

I am really pleased I read your post. I too am phobic of relationships. I have had a couple, they last about 6 months because I can then find thousands of reasons why it won't work. But actually I am just afraid of the future. What happens if you pick the wrong one? Therefore it is sometimes easier to be alone but I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I am with someone now, it has been 5 months. For the past 3 months I have had anxiety. It is hard reading other people's posts because a lot of people fall back on their relationship whereas it is mine that is causing the anxiety. My boyfriend has problems too from his past. We are both perfectionists which is why no one steps up to the mark for husband material. I thought we had done really well over the past 2 weeks and was even thinking in terms of future but on Saturday night he said he wasn't happy and thought we would be better splitting up. He changes his mind a lot and came round to see me Sunday with flowers but this means I am now 10 steps back with my anxiety because how can I trust a guy who can change his mind about leaving me so quickly. I really do think that I love him and he does love me but just can't cope with my anxiety. I am not sure whether to put my relationship on hold until I have finished my counselling (also doing CBT from emails) as I can see that I can change and it is my negative thoughts and learned behaviour that make me anxious. He has to guard his behaviour so as not to make me anxious (like not texting me so often - I know, most women would love the attention) and he feels trapped for doing this and can't express himself properly.

You make a very valid point that what we hear as children has a deep effect on our later years. Some of the things I was told at school and heard my parents say is now causing me problems. But I want to work through them. Today is a hard day because I feel very low after anxiety and I am at work trying to make my mind focus on something else. One of the hardest things for me is that one week I can feel really great then something happens and it feels like everything has fallen apart.

Twiggygal's advice is good, CBT would really help you.

Take care

Bunny

 

Hi there janetlee...I can relate to your story bigtime having endured similar taunts in my childhood...children can be sooo cruel - not realising the scars they can leave us with - which we then take with us into adult life!
You are doing the right thing letting it out - well done!
I have been to a wise and wonderful therapist some years ago, who taught me that it's ok to look back at all these hurts occasionally - coz they will bubble to the surface - but the trick is not to dwell on them too much - easier said than done - believe me I know :)
Lifes ups and downs make us wise. I don't know if you have children of your own..but I know from my own experience - it's made me a better parent in some respects, because I was aware, I was able to teach them to talk about what ever was bugging them at the time..and hopefully not store too much garbage in the back of their minds like I did!
Hope I haven't burbled on too much lol. Keep up the good work!

Maree

I had a feeling that most of the folks on here would be able to relate! I really did! I think that those mean things make us more empathetic caring people and in that one way, it's made us better people! about the CBT, I do get it in the email, but I need to start doing it! It seems like I'm always doing other things...sigh. BUt you're right, I need to try it! Thanks for sending it!
Lyn, You are a light in my life especially, and I'm glad when I make you feel better! All the folks on here are special, but you were one of the first ones to make me feel comfy on here! So many thanks go out to you!
Luv to all!
janet

Janetlee, I think many of us here can relate to everything you have said. I wasn't the view of beauty in my highschool either, my mom was not a friendly sort so she didn't make friend with the other kid's parents, which of course meant that I didn't get to make friends with the other kids. It is all connected.

I think that sticks and stones bit is the biggest bunch of crap that we have ever told our kids. Words do hurt and they do leave bruises. I always tried to acknowledge the pain that it brought to my kids and then talk about why people do hurtful things. It doesn't make it any easier to stand the hurt when it happens but I think it does give kids some cognative tools for dealing with it longterm.

I think that other people's words hurt because deep down we are afraid that they might be right. Perhaps we aren't pretty or strong or smart or, or, or. Hurtful words play into our own selfdoubts. People who use hurtful words are trying to make themselves feel good about their own insecurities. I always told my kids that treating people that way doesn't make them smart, it doesn't make them strong, it just makes them mean. Mean people are cowardly and small. Somehow that has always worked for me and somehow it began to work for my kids too. I will admit that as an adult I have been stuck working for a few people who were bullies by nature. I stayed because I had to take care of my kids at the time and over time, the treatment of those people took it's toll on me. It takes energy and strength to counteract the mean people in this world.

Janetlee, you words are heartfelt and deeply felt. I wish I had words to help you. In addition to what I have already posted, I will again post my view on forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not about the other person. Forgiveness is about you. Forgiveness does not mean approving of the wrong that was done to you. Forgiveness means that you will not longer allow the acts of others to have the power to control you. Those hurtful people are insignificant in your life now. Those hurtful people may not be deserving of forgiveness but you are.

I'm so glad you shared this thread.

Wow can I relate!!! I was beat up by the school bully from K-5th Grade. In turn, our class was small and the other kids would belittle me and make fun of me and I spent most recesses alone. I had no self esteem or self confidence and it has affected me all of my life. The teachers would turn their backs when the bully would hurt me and tried to tell me he liked me as boyfriend. Yeah right. The bruises didn't matter to them. The girls in my class made sure when I went to Junior High and High School that I hardly had any friends and told people I was retarded and a loser, any friends that I did make soon wanted nothing to do with me. Needless to say at lunch hour I got to know the bathroom as my friend as that is where I hung out mostly. It wasn't till we moved my junior year to AZ from MN that I was able to start a whole new life without people trying to make me into something I wasn't. I had friends from all walks of life and it was wonderful. I never felt so free in all my life. I was given a second chance. My senior year we moved back to MN and I had to start a 3rd high school it wasn't as fun as AZ but I still made friends. Sadly, my dad died in his sleep my senior year so that made life very hard for me. To this day, I still harbor much resentment to my former classmates that I spent a great deal of my life with, I feel cheated I missed out on sports, dates, cheer leading etc all because I was made to feel that I was crap and that I wasn't good enough. I was made to feel I shouldn't have a boyfriend, or wear makeup or wear a miniskirt. And if anyone did seem they liked me or wanted to be my friend they were told that I was loser and I would quickly lose that person as a friend. It was the worst feeling in the world. Many times I wanted to just disappear or end my life. There were times in my life and still go through this I experience this weird feeling where I feel I am not good enough to be in a certain store or good enough to be a certain event etc. It affects us for life and I can hope that someday the people that wronged us will realize it and accept some remorse and actually realize how their actions affected and really ruined what are supposed to be some of the best years of a person's life. I am so sorry for what you have been through but know you are not alone, there are many of us that have walked in your shoes, and that there was never anything wrong with you - the problem was THEM!!! They had to make us feel horrible in order to make themselves feel good!!! We are the stronger people and remember even though we don't realize it now there was a reason we had to endure such heartache it made us the people we are today. Strong and Good People and Caring people who would never hurt people the way they hurt us. God bless you and remember you are among friends who will always care!!!
Many Hugs always!
Bethers

Post Edited (Bethers36) : 10/30/2006 7:09:09 PM (GMT-7)

Thanks for those really touching words sis
Luvs ya
Lyn