Hello. I'm new here. How are you all doing?
The title of my post is meant both symbollicaly and literally. My anxiety is mainly focused on the appearance of my body. I forgot to introduce myself. I'm from the UK and i'm 19 years old and i have suffered from anxiety and bipolar disorder for,at least, a couple of years.
So what do i mean 'stand naked'? Well i mean be honest with the people here,because I havn't been honest with myself or anybody in my real life (not that this isn't real,but the internet world is much different from society). I have to admit,i am a coward. I can easily log on to a website where people don't know me,people cant judge me and i could explain something that's troubling me,but if i was placed in the situation in real life i would stay silent or continue acting.
I am quite deeply troubled. I have friends and family who would appreciate hearing my genuine self,but i am controlled completely from the ego and in fear of judgement. But what set it off,why try and find help tonight?
Well I was playing football (soccer if you're from the USA) and afterwards the guys were all going for showers so's not to stink out the car. I have a small penis,i mean - a lot of people probably have a small penis somewhere,but it's how you react. I am too frightened to be judged,by female or male. I have never let a girlfriend see me naked because i am so obsessed with the idea people will judge me purely by this. people have never ridiculed me before,but the whole appearance down there and lack of size has caused me anxiety all my adolesence years. The worse part of this problem,is it doesn't matter what anyone says to reply,their is nothing you can say-it's all down to what i do. I just don't know what to do. Having a small penis may be the problem,but the root of the problem lies in my ego. I am in constant fear of being myself, looking bad,being boring - all the things anxiety sufferers go through.
People are in general,helpful. People will probably listen,but something in my head stops me going through with these things,i'm cemented to the thought that this is ruining my life. I have loads and loads of problems related to OCD and bipolar,but this one is probably right at the heart of it all. I care what people think. I don't care what other people think,but apprantly i do,my actions are all based upon that statment,without me seemingly being able to stop them.
I'll temporarily feel better now i'm alone and i can wallow in my negativity,but there comes a point where you just want help with things,but your so frightened of everything outside your internal world you just isolate everything until you age with lonliness,even though your so self obsessed that you have insight into what you need to do. It feels like everything is a big cycle,i find myself at the places saying the same things doing the same things all the time.
Thanks for your time.