Desperately need some support/advice

I have written here frequently over the last couple of years and talked alot about my anxiety/panic and overwhelming hypochondria.  Well now I feel like I'm trapped and truly need advice as to how to handle this situation.  Two years ago when my anxiety went through the roof after being fine for quite a few years, I FINALLY managed to get myself to a doc for some meds (hadn't been to a doc in 15 years). My blood pressure was sky high - but it's always been any time I go to a doctor because of my totally irrational fear of them (and what they're going to find).  He put me on Toprol and Celexa which really seemed to help for awhile.  I didn't like some of the side effects of the Celexa (feeling edgy) but it did seem to help control my constant hypochondria.  I was supposed to go for blood work but never did (afraid of what would come back) plus I lost my job a month after going to the doc and I had no insurance.   Last September I ran out of unemployment and was totally without money for three weeks.  Then I got a temp job (which I'm still at) but there are no benefits here either.  I owe everyone money after getting behind while unemployed and I'm an older single parent still supporting a l5-year-old with no child support and no other living family to help.  I am hoping they will offer me the job here full time before long, as they seem to like me (even though they don't know what a neurotic I am - I hide it well when I have to). Oh, and I stopped taking the Celexa when I was totally out of money and haven't gone back to taking it.   Yesterday I called to refill my Toprol (only have three pills left and they DO help the blood pressure, I can acutally feel the difference after taking it) and the secy in the doc's office called and left a message to say she couldn't refill unless I came in for a checkup.  Well you'd think they had just told me I had a week to live!  I immediately went into panic mode, my heart wouldn't stop racing, I started getting severe stomach cramps (which I still have today at work).  I am absolutely TERRIFIED to go to the doctor and I don't think they realize how severe this phobia is....it's thrown my entire life into panic mode.  Firstly, I have NO insurance, NO extra money for docs and tests, etc., NO life insurance, NO nothing and on top of that I'm absolutely convinced he will find that I'm dying of something before I have a chance to land this job and get some benefits that will provide security for me and my son.  Not to mention too that I'm convinced I'll have an immediate stroke if theywon't fill my prescription! (And as I sit here writing this the cramping in my left abdomen is coming back again with a vengeance and I'm convinced it's colon cancer - what a waste of a human being I feel like - I feel like a coward, a baby and anything else negative you can think of.)  They don't realize that they'll HAVE to give me a script for Xanax for me to even be able to walk into that doctor's office!  I wish they'd just give me the Troprol to get me through until I can land a job and some health insurance....I know it sounds like a cop out - and it is I suppose - but it's also true that I CAN'T pay for any tests, etc. or God forbid, anything serious that I might have.  Why am I like this - I'm 59 years old and not a stupid person but I am a complete slave to this fear and hypochondria.  NEED ADVICE PLEASE!  (And sorry to whine...I only do it here tho - everywhere else I hide what I'm feeling from everyone.)

Thanks, Lisag - I truly appreciate your words of support.

you seem to have a clear understanding of whats wrong and may get more help by contacting the psychiatric ward of a hospital

contact charities, explain your situation and ask for help,financial assistance and  someone to go with you to doctor or hospital would probably be a help

tell doc you have no money as they often give out free meds, sample packs, starter packs, etc

it will help a bit if you relax your muscles and breathe deep and slow

toprol being a beta blocker also reduces the physical problems from anxiety

Hoping you get that job.  Its hard not to think of the worse case situation but try to keep positive thoughts.  I myself am scared of dentist and only go when I really need to.  Please don't be like me and wait until something simple becomes a major problem before you go in.  I hope that if you call the doctor he'll refill your meds until your back on your feet.  Best of luck.

 

andwes

I agree with everything Cowboy Up has told you. Also check in your phonebook for Indagent Health Care it should be under goverment or the county you live in. There are also free health clinics out there that can help you with your dr bills and meds. I would like to add were happy you feel you can open up to all of us here. Were all here for you hun.