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Just angry... sick and tired of feeling this way!

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Posted 4/27/2007 6:56 PM (GMT 0)
hi everyone im really glad i found this site as ive been feeling like im the only one , i dont now about any of you but it makes me feel very alone at times . alot of my friends and family cant understand what is wrong with me but saying that i dont really know what is wrong with me . ive been suffering panic attacks for about 6 mounths now and its taking over my life i have become very dependant on my mom which is strange for me as i used to be very inderpendent. im 25 years old and i feel about 10 again , im in councelling at the moment which is helping alot as i wouldnt leave the house before he helps me deal with my emotions . i hope i havnt bored you all to death im just looking to find people who understand what im going through and who i can have a chat with and aybe help each other out .thanks for reading

Posted 4/28/2007 7:39 AM (GMT 0)
Dawn,
The things you've said help because it tells me I'm not the only one like this. Today is really a bad one too. I was feeling better too for a while. Last night I had to take 4 ativan. I left the guy upatairs a letter on his steps saying the rent is going up to $350 june first. He will never get help he don't think anything is wrong with him. I just want done with him and your right I don't owe him anything. When this is over he is done. Never will he be my friend again. We had arguements in the past where we went years without talking. This time I won't make the mistake again and talk to him. He will probably act like he didn't see the letter but I taped it to the cable box I gave back to him and had the wife witness it. On the weekends. Sometimes friday nights I go out and have a few drinks at a corner bar in the neighborhood I grew up in. Saturdays if I have shopping or any errands to run I do it that day. Sometimes take the dogs out or visit my best friend. Or just be lazy and stay home. Sundays my Mom visits me and when I'm not too stressed I visit one of my grandparents in the nursing home. Or my other grandparents at their home. If it's summer I cut the grass on the weekend. Usually I'm lazy most the day on Sundays. When my wife and I were getting along we always went out to eat on Saturdays and maybe a movie or shopping. I like to go to the book store but I have a huge shelf of books I didn't read yet. In summer I go to the penninsula. That's about it. What about your weekends? You probably work in the garden. Hope your doing good.

Posted 4/30/2007 11:25 AM (GMT 0)
Sloan,

 Hi there! Oh please dont worry about writing alot. I like to read a lot! I dont mind at all. I just sometimes get busy here at home and dont always get at my puter on the weekends, that is why I havent written back until now. Im sorry if you thought I minded how much you wrote..I didnt. Plus everytime I tried to go into this thread on Sun...the site was giving me an error...saying there was a problem with the server. Please dont ever think you write too much. I know how it is when you dont feel well and are anxious..sometimes it just helps to get it all out and off your chest! I dont mind at all!

 

Did you grow up in Erie? Lived there all your life? I have lived here all my life as well. You mentioned about going out on Fridays sometimes and having a few drinks. I dont drink myself( well...I only have wine coolers now and then..like 2 times a year lol). I do like some Bailleys Irish Cream in my hot chocolate now and then, and sometimes I make fudge or other recipes and put some rum in there, but that is about the extent of it. I HATE beer...that stuff is NASTY lol. I see nothing wrong though with someone having a few drinks here and there, and actually red wine is supposed to be good for you. I just never got into the whole bar scene,...just not for me. You mentioned going to the movies sometimes...what kinds of films do you like??? Anything out now that you are interested in seeing? Sorry to hear your grandparents are in a nursing home...how are they doing? How often do you get a chance to go see them? Does your wife ever come with you? On my weekends I usually garden if it is nice, and on Sundays I used to go to church all the time...havent been there in a long time though because of my health, but I really want to get back to going. I am busy with my kids on the weekends too( that is if I can get my daughter away from the puter lol). Like to go outside with them and watch them ride their bikes..go to the park..etc.

 

A place in the country would be GREAT. I wish I could go live in the country. Always wanted to do that. A little log cabin or cottage in the woods/country is for me. Not tooo far out...close enough to town that I dont have to drive too far to get what I need..but far enough out to relax. By a creek or pond would be nice...very calming I think. Hammocks sound relaxing...but I can just picture me trying to get in the thing and rolling off the other side onto my butt lol. They seem tricky to me lol.

 

If it is one thing I have learned through this whole divorce ordeal is....you shouldnt try to find your worth in relationships..in another person. God created you and loves you..and that is where your worth lies. In the fact that HE created you in His image, therefore you are somebody who means the world to Him. He sent Christ to die for us...now I dont think He would have done that had He not just an amazing, overwhelming, unconditional love for us! And He is always there for you...unlike people who can let you down and are not always there when you need them. From my experience and what I have learned..there is something deep within every one of us..that will NEVER be satisfied untill we come into a relationship with the ONLY one who will never leave us or forsake us...Christ. Untill then, we will always be searching...and never be satisfied. That is my opinion based on what I see around me and what I myself have gone through. Not saying we dont want to be around others...have romantic relationships..etc..but that should NOT be what defines us! Or what fullfills us. Seek first God...and all those other things will come. It is hard to imagine, but I know it is true. I spent some time reading scripture over the weekend and book by Charles Stanley..and I felt alittle more at peace about things. I know it is hard at first...but maybe getting into the scriptures and talking with your dad about things might help. And you can always talk to me...if you like. :)

 

I hope this weekend went well for you! I hope you are sleeping better and I hope to hear from you again! :)

 

God bless.

 

Dawn

Posted 4/30/2007 12:54 PM (GMT 0)
Dawn,
I'm glad to hear from you. I deleted half my post because all I was doing was griping. I was getting the error too. I was about to try to go back to sleep but saw you replied. Yes I grew up in erie and millcreek which is connected to erie. Actually presquile isle or the peninsula as I call it is in millcreek. Millcreek is a better area than erie itself. How does Beaver compare to erie in size? Yes sometimes on fridays I go out and drink but not lately due to stress and the new medication. I would say I go out and have a few about once a month. I can't drink beer at all. I hate it. If I drink it is usually vodka and coke. It's weird I can drink vodka but not beer. Sometime Mike's lemonades. If I go to a bar it's usually a small corner bar where I know people. When I'm really into working out a lot I don't drink as much either. I like all types of movies. The last one I saw was 300 about the spartains. It was really violent though I don't know if you would like that one. I liked it because it had some historical accuracy. I'm not sure what is playing right now in the theaters. I would just go for something to do.

My grandparents on my Dad's side are in 2 different nursing home. The one my grandma is in treats her very badly. My grandparents on my Mom's side live in there home. My Mom lives with them and helps take care of them. My parents divorced when I was very young. Thanks for asking about my grandparents. I have not seen them as near as I should and feel guilty but it is hard to just get through the day right now. I know I should and plan to see them though. My wife has come but usually doesn't. How are your kids? I knew you worked on the gardens on weekends. I bought 2 packs of suflower seeds. When can I put them in? Is it too early now? Yes when I move I want the country for sure. Been in the city my whole life. I have relatives and friends in the coutry and I like it out there. When I was a kid I fell right through my grandma's hammock. It ripped and I was on the ground before I knew what happened. Today I feel a little better than before. More dreams that bug me though. Some to personal to write here. Do you get into dreaming or were you just curious?

Thanks for the advice. I find my faith weak now. My Dad does tell me that but after 16 years married it's hard to let go. I know I have to find me instead of the we that we were. I have art and working out to do but it's hard to be motivated when not happy. The last 3 days were horrible. I have to do what you and my Dad tell me though I know. My Dad offeres me to go to church with him but when you can't sleep it's hard to get up. I have bible cds I put on my mp3 player at work and listen to them at night. I haven't even felt like reading lately.  In the summer I read on the beach. I love doing that. I will always talk to you as long as you can put up with me. Your very cool. I hope things go well for you too. I'll write more later. Going to see if I can get a few more hours sleep before work. I would like to workout tonight too but we'll see about that. Take care and I hope I don't get that error when I send this.

I made a notebook for people I pray for so I don't leave anyone out. Your in it and thanks for praying for me. Do you guys up by Pittsburgh get as much snow as we do? I just wondered. Sometimes we get a lot here. My puppy is sick and he went to the vet today. He has stomack cramps and is limping. Also he had a feaver. They xrayed him and found nothing that he ate. He looks terrible. I am very worried. He is in bed with me now. Hope your doing Ok and look foreward to hearing from you again.

Posted 5/1/2007 4:37 PM (GMT 0)
Sloan,

 Hello there. How are you feeling? I am feeling alright...could be worse...could be better. I remember the name..Millcreek. There is a big mall there right? Millcreek mall? I would shop there once in a while when I went with my mom up to see my sister at Gannon. We usually went to see her every Friday. I also remember this GREAT resturant up there...I think it might be more in Erie...called...Poor Folk? something like that...really a nice, casual, old fashioned rest. I dont know if it is still there or not. I am really thinking about coming up there this Summer and going to the beach. I need some calmness in my life.

 

I dont mind going to the movies..but I am more of a "wait and see it when it comes out on video" type of person. Movies are kind of expensive to me..and I like to save money whenever I can. The only types of movies I prefer to see at the theater are the ones that have a LOT of action or special effects in them...like Star Wars, Alexander the Great..etc..those types of films.

 

I tend to try and forget my dreams lol. I mean...sometimes they are kind of scarey and I dont like to remember what I think about when I am asleep, and sometimes I dont dream at all. My sister is really into dreams and what they mean. She has a lot of books on the subject. Guess I am a pretty boring person. sad

 

I know exactly what you mean about getting motivated. It is hard for me..when I am upset or worried or feeling down..to get up enough gumption to go and do what I want to do. It is so hard sometimes to get past feelings and just do what you gotta do. It seems like a struggle every day.

 

How is Oscar doing?( I LOVE his name!) soo cute. I was sorry to hear you had to take him to the vets. How is he doing now? I hope he is feeling better!

 

I hope you sleep well tonight and hope to hear from you again soon!

 

God bless

 

Dawn

 

Posted 5/2/2007 6:55 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Dawn,
I feel a little better now. Like you could be worse could be better. We both have to hang in there. Yes the Millcreek Mall is here. Millcreek is weird it like stretches around Erie on one side. I'm not sure about the restaurant you mentioned. There are so many here. I always got anxiety going out to eat but in the last 3 years I really learned to enjoy it. Now I really like to go try different foods. If you come up this summer beach 6 is really nice. I like the nature center beach. There are no lifeguards there and it is one of the only ones you can bring dogs to. All the beaches are nice though. I feel lucky to live here.
I wait for a lot of movies to come out on dvd. I was a member of netflix so I would just have them come in the mail. If it's a good one I like to go to the theater to see it. Or if I'm bored it's something to do. The food is so expensive so I sometimes bring my own candy or snacks. I can't believe you like star wars. That's one of my favorites. I read the novels too. I like star trek also and read those books too. Alexander was good too. Did you ever see gladiator? I have some books on dreams also. Has your sister ever metioned lucid dreaming? Just curious. Your not boring. I always look foreward to hearing from you.

You know what I mean about motivation. I have none now. I want to do all the hobbies and passtimes I told you about but I can't now. I wish I would snap out of it but it is hard. I will try to start back working out monday again. I just can't do it now. I started an oil painting a while back and I can't do that either. I hope your struggle everyday gets better. If you find an answer to make it better be sure to tell me.

Oscar is doing better. He had me worried. He looked so bad I wondered if he would not make it. He is on an antibiotic. I think he ate something bad. He also I think was having growing pains. Tonight he was his normal hyper self and I was glad to see him that way. I came home and played with them both a while. Thanks for asking about him. I will take 3 ativan soon and maybe try to read some of that book I told you about before. Have a good night or day depending on what time you read this.
Posted 5/2/2007 5:40 PM (GMT 0)
Sloan,

 

Howdy! I am so happy that Oscar is doing well! Yeah, with kids and dogs...you can usually tell when they are feeling better because they are hyper lol. Last night we had a storm here and I thought Abby was outside....and I was worried because I kept calling for her and she didnt come. She HATES storms...all that thunder and lightning. Anyways...I couldnt sleep because it was hot in my room and I just didnt feel tired...so I came out here to the living room and pretty soon she came up the cellar stairs...lol..She must have been hiding downstairs untill the storm stopped. :) I was glad she was ok.

 

What is your wife usually doing when you get home from work at night? Is she waiting up for you...sleeping or playing games online? I just wondered if you not sleeping well makes her angry and upset? I know when I had rough nights my ex would get irritated with me because I would keep tossing and turning and talking all night( I talk when I get nervous). Sometimes he would even get up and go sleep on the couch. I dont blame him..I know that has to be frustrating..but I didnt do it on purpose. That is just how I am when I am anxious about something..I dont sleep well and I pace.

 

I was just playing in Pogo for a bit and some guy hit on me lol. I think he wanted to cyber( which I am definantly not into) so I just left the room. Some men are soo one tracked minded...grrr. I hate that. Most arent too subtle about it either.

 

Do you ever watch the news on tv? Like on the cable channels? CNN , MSNBC or Foxnews?? I usually watch Fox if I have it on. I like the O Reilly factor. I am not a real political person..but I do like to keep up with what is going on in the world. So what kinds of food do you like? Anything in particular? I am a seafood lover myself. I LOVE lobster, shrimp, scallops, and fish. I also love pizza, italian baked subs, chicken salads, steak salads, peanut butter sandwiches( although I dont eat them as much as I used to..they sometimes make me alittle ill to my stomach), roast beef, actually....there isnt much food I dont like lol. I did find this new snack food that I really enjoy...it is called "Veggie Crisps" I LOVE them! They are a natural and healthy alternative to potato chips. You should try them. I am watching what I eat because I want to lose some weight. You mentioned you work out...what kind of workout you do? I used to have one of those home gyms...but my ex got that after the divorce...used to have a treadmill as well.

 

Oh, do you like to listen to music? I am a big country, christian and 80's fan myself. Bon Jovi is one of my favorite groups.

 

I hope you sleep well. I think I might go take a nap myself right now.

 

God bless!

 

Dawn

Posted 5/3/2007 10:26 AM (GMT 0)
Dawn,
We had rain here and just a little thunder and lightning. It rained all day yesterday. If we get bad storms in the summer sometimes there is water spouts on the lake. I never seen one up close but people have. I'm glad Abby was inside during the storm. Kramer is the same way. If it thunders he won't leave you alone. His eyes bug out and he looks funny. He will try to crawl under the computer desk under my legs. Then he gets tangled in the cords. I always wonder what he thinks the thunder is. Lurch didn't care at all and just kept sleeping. I'm not sure about oscar yet. We only had like one good storm so far and he did wimper a little. I like thunder storms. It is awsome to watch them come in over the lake and see the lightning hit the water. I used to camcorder them.

Well before we were not getting along my wife would get off the computer when I got home and we would watch tv and eat before she went to bed. Now she stays on the computer but doesn't use her headset when I'm home. I eat and either lay down right away but wake up 2 hours later like tonight or I stay up and do hobbies when feeling better not like now. If she's up it's not because she waiting for me. Not now anyways. We kind of do our own thing nowdays. She wants to move out and says I'm in denial about it. She get's very mad if I wake her because I can't sleep. Or because I have anxiety. She sleeps on the couch now but not because I wake her but because she don't feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed with me anymore because of how things are going. But over the years my ensomnia definatly took it toll on her. She would say she's going to hit me on the head with a frying pan so I would sleep. She wouldn't do that but she would get frustrated. The reasons she wants to move out are not all ensomnia related but it did have some to do with it. And the anxiety too. Do you pace in the bedroom? I don't pace in the bedroom but I sometimes leave the room and walk around. Or I stay in bed and my legs are wrestless and move like a cricket.
The guy wanted to cyber on pogo? I never cybered and I'm not sure of the concept of it. I heard about it a lot. Well I just gave the cable box back to the tenant so right now I don't have cable. We were splitting on it. I always watch the news. Usually CNN and MSNBC on erie cable it's like channel 29 and 30. I usually just watch those 2 and not fox. I would watch Glenn Beck sometimes Nancy Grace or just the news. I follow the world events too like iraq and other things. I'm not sure how long the wife is staying so I don't know if I will be able to get cable right away again. I hope so. I listen to coast to coast am on the radio at night and they follow world events also. I'm a member of the streamlink so I download it on the computer and listen at work on the mp3 player or just at home. It is on from 1am until 5 am. You should listen to it sometime. They talk about interesting topics. Other people know it as Art Bell. Are you republican or democrat? I'm dem.
Oh, you mentioned food and now I'm going to let you have it. Be prepaired to read. Just kidding. When things are going good and not a crisis like now I eat a lot. 6 times a day for weight lifting reasons. My filosophy is if I eat a well ballanced meal (30 to 40 grams of protein and carbs) The I can eat as much junk food as I like. So I make sure I eat good and then I eat bad. So sometimes the abs are neglected. Well most of the time. I love sea food. I like lobster but favor king crab and snow crab. Shrimp. Deep fried clams. People get mad when I whip out a can of smoked oysters. It's so funny. Pizza is one of my favorites and I try to eat it every weekend. Pizza subs,meatball subs. Chicken,chicken wings. BLTs and Hamburgers are my favorite. Streak with A1 sauce also. Stuffed shells,Lazognia. Remember I'm not a good speller. Tripple decker peanutbutter and jelly sandwitches. Greek dogs and burgers. Chinese food. Vegetables for nutrition. Mashed potatoes,french fries, roast beef,combo subs. Turkey and stuffing. Not a big ham eater though. Ribs. Those are some and as far as snacks. HoHos,glazed donuts,chocholate covered cream filled donuts. Wise potato chips with french onion dip. Reese cups. Perch and fish. Pot pies. Foods I hate are brocoli,spinach, coli flower,sour crout. I like salads with cheese and bacon bits on them. I eat sunflower seeds,soybeans,beef jerky. And I love cheese. Cheddar,provolone,mozzerella not swiss though. Salami or pepperoni sandwiches are good also. I could go on. There are many things I don't like also.
Yes I work out. My dad was a huge bodybuilder and did well around here so I grew up around it. I have a lot of equipment in my basement but I lift at a gym. I found one open 24 hours so I usually go after work. I can't wake up to do it before work so I do it at night. Just weightlifteing. The most I ever benched was around 350lbs and squated 405lbs. The most I ever weighed was 229lbs I'm 5'8" my waist was kinda big but I didn't mind. But remember now with anxiety I lost a lot of weight and strength so I'm nothing like I was. I plan to get it back though when I get myself back together hopefully. I'm about 188lbs now and feel way too skinny. Not happy. My weight fluxuates depending on stress levels. Right now I'm weak compared to how I was. Remember I don't like to talk about myself and am not trying to brag at all but I feel a little better today and you asked about things I'm really into so I wrote you another book. That sucks your ex took your home gym.

Music. I like classical especially at night, not really into country but don't mind it. And 80s. In the 80s I had realy long hair. Some I like from 80s are.Dio,scorpions,bon jovi,the old Van Halen was my favorite.When they had David Lee Roth. I still have a shirt from 1984 I saved. And other types of music. Pat Benatar,Pretenders,Doors,Dokken.

I'm like half italian and half german. What about you?

You said your room was hot. Do you keep a fan in there? I do in mine all year long. If I have no fan I definatly don't sleep. Sometimes at night my feet get real hot also. I'm a weirdo I know. All women say they want to lose weight. I don't understand it. My wife is like 5'2" and weight about 185 or so and I think she looks good at that weight. How much do you want to lose? You don't want to lose too much do you. I always think women don't look good if they get too skinny. But i guess everybody is comfortable at the weight they think they should be at. I am uncofortable if I weight under 215lbs like now. Tell you what. Just give me the weight you don't want. I'd like to gain at least 40lbs this summer. When my anxiety is bad sometimes I eat once a day. The lexapro is helping me eat. Well take care and I look forward to hearing from you again.
Posted 5/3/2007 12:02 PM (GMT 0)
Sloan,

 

 Howdy! I thought I would start off talking about food because I just got up( it is 725am) and I am hungry lol. You had mentioned you like Greek dogs?? I never heard of those lol...I am assuming they are some kind of hot dog..but I dont know exactly what would make it Greek. I LOVE crab legs! I havent had those in sooooo long...now I want them lol. I used to go to Red Lobster about twice a year, I havent been there in about 8-9 years!!! My favorite meal of the day is breakfast. I love eggs, sausage, bacon, hasbrowns, homefries, english muffins..etc..I make a breakfast casserole that is outta this world! I dont have as big an appetite as I did before I got bad with anxiety. I usually eat three times a day...breakfast, lunch and supper. In between I usually try to eat healthy snacks..baby carrots, a few crackers, bananas( I LOVE those), apple, orange. I adore chocolate, but I dont eat it near as much as I used to. You know what I crave usually more than sweets??? BREAD! I could eat rolls, biscuits, bread..etc.like there is no tomorrow. Gosh, eating is soo fun lol. There is a resturant down here called Eat N Park. I love going there...they have just about anything you could want and the prices are very resonable. Do you have any favorite resturants? Mine are: Eat N Park, Red Lobster, Arbys, McDonalds( usually get something off the dollar menu), Smokey Bones, Pizza Hut, I keep seeing ads on tv for Applebees and really want to go there...seems like a place I would like.

 

Since you mentioned that you like to workout...do you take any supplaments? Like vitamins, minerals or herbs?? I take something called CoQ10, Fish Oil, and a mineral drink. I sometimes give the kids a multivitamin. Thery seem to eat pretty good though. What kinds of beverages do you like? I usually just drink water..but I also enjoy Canada Dry Ginger Ale, Lemonade, Sprite, iced tea( the sun tea kind...not that stuff made from a powder)and I love milk...but dont drink it as much as I used to. I am 5'2" tall,  hazel eyes, and blondish brown hair( alittle longer than shoulder length). I am Irish, Scottish, Dutch and German.  I have a fair complextion, so I dont tan easily. lol I usually just BURN and end up looking like a lobster. I'll have to show you a pic. of myself someday if you would like to see it.  

 

When I am really bad with my anxiety I do have a tendancy to pace around the room, or I will walk around the house( inside) but do it in a really rushed pace. Like walking from room to room really fast..like I am in a hurry. And I talk a LOT. I tend to babble on and on when I am nervous. Some people get really quiet when they have panic attacks, but I dont. Oh man, in the Summer I HAVE to have a fan in my room. I can not stand humidity! It makes me panic and get all tense. Fall is my favorite season because it is not too hot and not too cold..plus I just love seeing all the trees turn colors. I love wearing sweats too...I like being comfy. I do care about how I look of course, but I am not a fussy person. I feel very comfy and at home in a pair of sweat pants and a sweat shirt or t shirt.

 

Might go out and work outside today, it is supposed to be a nice day here today. I need some fresh air. :)

 

I hope your work day goes well and that you sleep well! Take Care and God bless!

 

Dawn

 

 

 

 

Posted 5/4/2007 6:00 AM (GMT 0)
Dawn,
Hi, How are you? You never had a greek hot dog? Oh, they are good. It's a hotdog with onions and mustard covered in greek sauce. I haven't been to Red Lobster in years either. All the things you mentioned for breakfast I like also. Eggs over easy with bacon and toast is one of my favorites. Pancakes. All that. The thing is during the week I wake up late and don't have time for breakfast so I drink protein powder mixed with milk. On weekends I might eat a good breakfast though. Just the other day I ate some english muffins with butter and jelly on them. Yes my appetite was gone too from anxiety that's why I lost the weight but the lexapro does help me eat more. I also like bananas,oranges,sometimes apples but I get sick of them. Pears,peaches and seedless grapes. Sometimes dried fruit between meals. I'm not a big chocalate eater unless it's cake or something. I like rolls and biscuits too but I have to have a lot of butter with them. We have an eat n park also I only went twice though. I love arbys beef n cheddars with arbys sauce. My favorite restaurants are Quaker Steak&Lube,applebees,a few chinese ones here,Mcdonalds(I like their fries the best,and big mac and quarter pounders.) There is 2 really good pizza shops here I like Mr. Pizza(best wings I ever had) and Lunchetti's. I like to try different restaurants too that I never been too also. Oh and Kentucky Fried Chicken. I hear bad things about how they treat the chickens though. I think their coleslaw is the best.

I take suppliments. I will metion the ones I take most. Multi vitamins,vit c, b complex,calcium magnesium, cod liver oil,melatonin(sleep),yohimbe bark,tribulus terrestis,whey protein,creatine sometimes, and others I take when I have the money. CoQ10 I never heard of that. What is it? I had to stop the yohimbi and the tribulus because of sleep. Beverages I drink are 2% milk(it tastes the best to me)Coke,rootbeer,lemonade,a lot of water, and other things also but these are my favorite. I would like to see a picture I am curious who I am always writing to. I can show you one too but the most recent I have is from last year at the beach. If you send it to my email make sure you tell me who it's from so I don't delete it by accident. So your a pacer. I do on bad nights but sometimes I accept I won't sleep and read all night. It depends if it's anxiety or just regular ensomnia. They both are bad. Anxiety is worse though. Or the ensomnia can cause the anxiety. I can't sleep in the heat either. In the summer I have to have the air conditioner on and a fan. You like fall the best? I like summer even though the heat is terrible. I like seeing the trees green. Sometimes fall reminds me winter is coming. I hate shoveling snow. Sweats are comfortable I wear them to workout but around the house I wear shorst,sometimes a robe. If I go out I usually wear jeans and a t shirt. Not an ugly t shirt but a nice one. I wear nice dress shirts or sweaters on occasions but not always. I like sweat shirts also.

My tenant is starting to try to anoy me now. When I cam home and was letting the dogs out he had someone up there and laughed real loud outside and slammed the door hard. I thought the glass was going to break. When I have anxiety it doesn't take much to irritate me. Especially him. It took everthing I had to not go up there. Now he is up there being loud. He was showing off in front of someone. Actually I am kind of fuming now about him. It is what I get for doing him a favor. I aksed him for my microwave back today on his answering machine. It is new but I had 2 so I let him use it. I bet he thought he was going to keep it. It better work when I get it. I asked my wife to stay until this situation with him is finished. I hope she does. She said we'll see. He is starting to get on her nerves too. I wonder if I should of just evicted him instead of raise the rent. What bugs me also is she don't seem bothered about the vows we took and doesn't care if I'm upset. I am dealing with it better maybe because of the medication or maybe it's just a few good days I'm having. I don't know. It still is hurtful though. I forgot to mention about music I like the Doors a lot also.

Well I just called him and asked him to move out. He said he's looking for a place.

Thanks for wishing me to sleep well, you also. Have a good day.

***********************************************************************

Dawn,

 When you were getting divorced did you try to talk your husband out of it? I just woke up my wife to talk to her and she snapped. I just wanted to talk. It made things a hundred times worse. She said she wants divorce more than ever.Not one bit does she understand I have anxiety and shouldn't be judged during a crisis likethis. She can't take it anymore. I didn't even do anything bad and everything I said she put a total different meaning behind it and changed it into a motive I have. I brought up our marriage vows and being a team and she said I was controlling her and trying to put her under my thumb. Do you feel this is what I was doing? Be honest. I just want to save the marriage and she thinks I'm crazy or something. I'm just worried about the future. Did any of this happen whith you or did you just let him go without trying? You don't have to answer if it's too personal. She says I just want a mommy to take care of me when I have been doing more than her for months now. I know when someone has panic attacks they are hard to deal with but it seems her judgement is clouded when it come to me and my motives. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I wonder since she is so unhappy if I should file for the divorce myself. I don't have the money though. I'm just confused. I took 3 ativan and am about to take the last 2 I have. I hope to get more next week. They help the most. Sorry to bother you with this. And I thought I was doing better. And another thing when I have anxiety I can't take any yelling and she knows that and yells on purpose and calls me crazy. At times like this I wonder why I want to work it out so bad. It's because we've been married 16 years and I love her but it's like a no win situation. She told me to go try dating to get off her back. I said it's a sin. She then said she gives me permission. Then I said OK God. I don't know if I had the money to file I don't know what I would do at this point. I don't wish bad on her at all but if she could be in my shoes for a week she would understand how it is.

 

Posted 5/4/2007 8:01 AM (GMT 0)
I found this and will keep saying it.


“Heavenly Father, I believe Your Son Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sin and was raised from the dead. I confess and ask forgiveness for my sins. Thank You for forgiving me and loving me. Help me to live a new life that pleases You, as a new creation in Christ Jesus. Sustain me through this circumstance. It is bigger than me and I can’t do it without You. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
Posted 5/4/2007 1:21 PM (GMT 0)
Sloan,

 

 Hi there! Nice hearing from you again. How are you feeling and how did you sleep?

 

about vitamins...CoQ10 is used by every cell in the body and it is a very good suppliment to take! I have never heard of anyone getting sick or having a problem taking it. I take one a day that is 60 MG. That is good that you are taking a B Complex vitamin..they are supposed to be good for panic and anxiety. When we are stressed our bodies tend to start to deplete us of our B vitamins( this is what I have read and heard).

 

As far as the situation with my ex and I. Before there was even talk of divorce we sold our house and moved in with my mom( we wanted to get out of the area we were living in and there was a family interested in buying our home and we didnt have one to move into yet...so we went to stay with my mom). So while we were living here things just got out of hand and went from bad to worse and before I knew it...he wanted a divorce. Basically didnt want to be around me anymore sad . So we did talk and I told him that God doesnt like it when people divorce and He is against it. My ex said he knew that, but God wouldnt stop loving us( which is true), and that he just didnt want to be with me anymore( plus there was this lady friend of his he worked with that he had become pretty close to). So to make a long story short, I told him there wasnt anything wrong with our marriage that couldnt be fixed..etc..etc..and that I didnt think we should divorce, but I could see he just wasnt happy with me and wanted out. So there was nothing more I thought I could do and we divorced. So I am still at home with my mom and my two kids..and he is living with the girl friend from work. He hasnt seen the kids in about 4-5 years and never writes or sends them cards or gifts. He does send me a child support check once a month though. So he is good about that. I am not judging your wife, but telling you basically to go out and "date" is ridiculous! I think that is a rather sick and distorted view of marriage. Even if she doesnt want to be with you, she should not be telling you to go find someone else! I was wondering....if she doesnt love you or want to be with you...why hasnt she filed already??? I mean..what is she waiting on??? I wish you two would stay together..I really do...but I am curious...maybe she does deep down really care and love you and just doesnt know how to handle your anxiety??? Sometimes when people arent sure about how to handle a situation they tend to lash out in anger and yell. Maybe she just feels badly because she sees you struggling with your anxiety and just doesnt know how to help you??? Just a thought.

 

The best suggestion I can give you about your situation is to PRAY without ceasing! Dont ever give up on God helping you...He will! it might seem like forever till you hear from Him..or it might seem like He isnt listening. Just hang in there and ask Him what you should do. How to talk with your wife..etc. That little prayer you posted is beautiful and is often called " the sinners prayer". It is what one does when one asks Jesus into their heart and to take control of their life. When you pray that prayer and mean it with all your heart, you are saved. Jesus comes to live inside you( The Holy Spirit) and now you have a relationship with Him! I would suggest( and I dont mean to sound like a sermon here lol) to start to try and read your Bible alittle more. And ask God to speak to your heart about what you need to hear. I have a Bible that is my favorite one. I dont know if you have one or not, but this one is really nice..it is a study bible...it is called " The Quest Study Bible"..NIV( New International Version). I higly recommend it. It has a lot of commentary in the margines and is easy to follow. :-) I am byu now means a scholar on the bible....but if you have any questions about anything feel free to ask away and maybe I can help.

 

I was thinking just now...maybe this weekend you could ask your wife out on a picnic??? That is always relaxing and fun. You could just pick up some food at KFC or some other place( so she doesnt have to cook) and just take a blanket and go to a park someplace and really talk about how you both feel. I figure this way....you have to keep trying...at least that way...if she still decides to file for divorce, you know that you TRIED to make things work...that you gave your best effort. Just a suggestion I had. Thought she might like a picnic.

 

I hope you have a good day! God bless and take care!

 

Dawn

Posted 5/4/2007 2:15 PM (GMT 0)
Dawn, Thanks for the encouragement. I'll keep this short. She won't go on a picnic with me. She is distancing herself from me. She is set on moving out to get her space. She hasn't filed for divorce out of guilt for me. And she is on my insurance and don't want to lose it. She has no interest in working it out and is only hear because I asked her to let me deal with the tenant situation first. I asked her to stay until I can get a new vehicle but I doubt she will. She wants out. Thanks for your reply. Have a good day.

PS. I have a nice Bible a nun gave me when I worked at a convent. I listen to the CD Bible when I can. I'll have to read it too.

Posted 5/4/2007 2:36 PM (GMT 0)
Sloan,

 

Hello again. I hope I didnt say anything that upset you! sad . You usually write more than that and I was wondering if you were upset with me about something? I am sorry I shouldnt have given you advice about your wife...you know her best. I was just hoping that maybe something I suggested would work. I didnt mean to sound like a sermon. I guess I get carried away talking about God. I didnt mean to sound preachy. God bless

 

Dawn

Posted 5/4/2007 9:07 PM (GMT 0)
yeah   tongue
Posted 5/5/2007 6:39 AM (GMT 0)
Dawn, No you didn't upset me at all. I kept it short because I was going to lay down and try to sleep a little more. I will ask her to do something tomorow when she gets out of work. I asked her when she was calm why she hasn't filed for divorce. I guess waking her up isn't a good idea. I don't know why I never learn. She said she feels guilty and don't think I can take care of myself. And she wonders if she had space from me for a while if she would miss me or not. (She could be saying this not to depress me)She says she's been unhappy for years. I can't remember if I told you this. Her and her best friend bought a business. They were best frieds since like 1992. Then the business started failing and her friend kept taking home money instead of putting it back into the business. Also her friend isn't real smart to put it nicely and addicted to pills. Customers complained about her and she was lazy and to top it off tried to rip off my wife over $20,000.00 so she wouldn't have to go bankrupt like we had to. Then later the business failed and sold for almost nothing and her friend lost her house and blamed everything on my wife behind her back. But little by little people started telling my wife everthing her former best friend said about her. She was hurt by this and I would say it could be concidered a crisis. After they had their falling out they still had to work together for a year. Her friend would open the business an hour late and leave an hour early and put everthing on my wife. This situation just ended about 2 months ago and she finally was able to cut ties with the friend who I hear is trying to rip off other people now so she don't have to get a job. I wonder if this could affect our marriage at all or if it is just my fault for how I treated her. Either way it doesn't seem to be my choice anymore. I blame the online adiction and the failing business and her dishonest best friend situation but maybe it is all me.

She has told me to go date a few times in the last 2 months. And I have not and won't until a divorce is filed. I have some girls I knew for a while as friends even offer to date me when they heard of my situation. I don't know why they would be interested in me with my problems but I won't date until divorce is filed like I said for obvious reasons. I have a long list to answer for when I die as it is. But I will make friends until that day comes. And what is important to me is trust more than anything. I would have to be very comfortable after 16 years of marriage to open myself up to someone completey again. And if she decides to file I will make my feelings known if there was anyone I felt could be more than a friend. I do not want a divorce and am trying my best not to get one but it takes 2 to try. In the mean time I will be faithful to her and won't file first but if she does I will know I tried very hard. Maybe too hard and that's the problem. It is out of my hands I feel but if I date someone as more than friends I would like them to understand anxiety because my wife does not. And says very hurtful things to me. My priority is the marriage but it don't look good. I am praying. And am willing to try my best at working 2 jobs if the day comes. I have no choice. I am out of ativan now but at least it's the weekend. This is my situation as of now. I wanted to give you some background on things leading up to this point. To be fair to my wife she has been through a lot with me being lazy around the house and my ensomnia/anxiety/depression, and her business failing and best friend betraying her and being inbetween jobs but she tells me she's been unhappy for years with me. Hope your day is going good. I was not mad at all. This is a hard situation for me and I am very confused.

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Dawn,

It is around 5:30am and I was just laying here in the dark listening to clasical music trying to sleep and I thought of something you wrote and it bothered me. It is none of my business so I won't say much about it. You said your ex husband has nothing to do with your kids. I think that is rotten and he will regret it someday. My parents divorced when I was young but I still seen my Dad on weekends and that was hard. It is not fair for them. I'm glad they have a good mother though. I'm sure your teaching them religion. You seem to know a great deal more than me about it. That prayer I wrote you and you recognized. Now that I think of it when I was young my Dad had me say a similar one a few times when I was born again. So I did accept the lord. I can't remember if I asked you what religion you are. Catholic,Christian? Other? If you told me and I forgot I'm sorry. Lack of sleep is not good for the memory. about the vitamins I told you I take. I take them when I'm working out and doing good. Now that I have been blowing off I haven't been taking them at all. I will start again especially the b complex. I have a lot to do tomorow. I'm calling about a water bed frame in the newspaper with a bookshelf headboard. I hope it didn't sell yet. I figure I'll get a new mattress for it. If or when the wife moves out she can have this bed. I always wanted another water bed since my last one. I have a laptop so I lay in bed and go online. I have to do bodywork on my truck for inspection. It is up this month. I want another vehicle soon though. Also I have to get a haircut and before monday cut the grass for the first time this year. I figure I'll throw down those sunflower seeds and see what happens. I have a huge tree in my backyard and branches fall off it every winter. The past 2 years I just threw them in a pile in the corner of my backyard. Now the pile is big. That is something I am going to have to deal with soon also. Sorry to bable on. Well talk to you later.

Posted 5/5/2007 12:18 PM (GMT 0)
Sloan,

 

 Hi there! I know it is hard in a situation like this to NOT blame yourself. But from what you have told me, I really dont see how her wanting to leave you is your fault. I am sorry that her business failed and that her friend treated her so poorly, but those are the times when couples should come together not get further apart. At least that is what I always thought marriage was about anyway. As far as your anxiety goes and your sleeping problem, I feel the same way about that....your wife should be doing all she can to try and HELP you and encourage you through this...not say mean, hurtful and unfeeling things. Marriage is for better or WORSE, not till something comes along you think you cant handle. When your spouse needs you the MOST that is when you should be there the MOST. I think you gain strength through prayer during this time. No one can handle situations like this on their own. Your wife should be praying about this and ways to help you( I dont know if she is a christian person or not). In my opinion, she should NOT be bad mouthing you on the internet, or saying hurtful things to you. You keep saying you think it might be your fault for how you treated her...what do you mean by that? Youve never mentioned anything to me in which I felt you said or did anything to her that would be considered badly. And as far as you taking care of yourself. I am sure you are quite capable of doing that. You seem like a very knowledgeable, intelligent person. You would be suprised at what you can do when you have to.

 

I hope you dont mind me saying this but, why would these girl friends of yours offer to date you whille you are still married??? Just seems inappropriate to me. I would think they would have more respect for your marriage than to do that. I know they are aware there are problems in your marriage..but to me that still doesnt make it right for them to be wanting to date you while you are still married.

 

 I understand EXACTLY what you mean about the trust factor. It is hard after someone, who basically PROMISED in wedding vows to stay with you till death, leaves you, to trust again. I feel exactly as you do. If I ever get involved with anyone again it would have to be someone who is patient, kind and understanding of mental illness..anxiety/ panic attacks and who is willing to help and encourage me in getting help to conquer this problem. In fact, I wouldnt mind someone who is suffering from it as well. I mean...who better to understand you than someone who has the same illness. I think it would easier to talk to someone( start a relationship with someone) who has either been through it, or is going through it...because they would know EXACTLY where you are coming from. Helping someone with anxiety takes a LOT of patience, understanding and love. So I think in the future if I want to have a relationship with someone, it would have to be someone who I KNOW understands me, what I am going through, and is willing to be by my side and encourage me.

 

Sloan, you never babble on and on. I truly enjoy reading what you write everyday. I always look forward to your replies. :) . Thank you for saying you think I am a good mom. I needed to hear that. I try my best, am not perfect, but know it is my responsibility to bring them up in the Lord. They have devotionals they do, and I talk to them about God and how He can be their best friend..etc. I am Presbyterian. I have been in the church all my life. I used to go to Sunday School every Sun since I was a little girl. Since my health got bad. I dont go as much as I would like. So I listen to preachers on tv and radio. Your dad sounds like a great person to talk to about religion. That is wonderful that all he has gone through( his divorce) hasnt mad him bitter. Nope, my ex has nothing to do with the kids. He doesnt send them birthday or Christmas cards or birthday gifts or Christmas presents. NOTHING. I dont even think they remember much about him. My ex was kind of rough with my kids...and with me mentally. He used to call me names..like phychotic ass, use the f word with me a lot( which I cannot stand! I HATE that word, I find it disgusting and disrespectful). So he is just basically out of all of our lives.

That waterbed sounds NICE. Maybe I should think about getting one of those. I dont sleep that well myself so maybe it would help. Hope you get that one you mentioned. I was wondering, you mentioned you have a laptop, so you have your own computer and your wife has hers? I was wondering because I wanted to ask you if it was ok if I emailed you? I thought maybe it would be easier to talk through there. Sometimes I have trouble with this website coming up. I didnt want to do that though in case your wife would mind. I have a desktop puter that sits in the livining room. I wish I did have a laptop though..this one has too many wires and cords lol. Let me know about the email idea and maybe I could just start emailing you. If that would be ok. :)

Think I might go out and do some yard work today. It is supposed to be nice here. My son is going to see Spiderman 3 with my sister. So he will be a happy camper today. :)

Oh btw..speaking of camping...do you like to fish or camp or anything like that? I love it. My neighbor across the street went fishing yesterday and brought over some bass he had caught..oh man...was it DELICIOUS!! The best fish I have had in a LONG time. Just melted in my mouth. I think fishing is soo relaxing. Its nice to just go and take a lunch and relax.

Well, I hope you have a good day! Take care and God bless.

Oh btw,...do you have any messenger services on your puter? Like MSN or Yahoo?

Dawn

Posted 5/6/2007 9:53 AM (GMT 0)
Dawn,
Hello. Thanks for all the nice things you said. I am praying more now than I have been but I need to step it up more and be more consistant. I think my wife is just sick of dealing with my problems and her own. I agree a person can't handle a situation like mine on their own and needs God to help them. I do have to learn to turn to God during good times and not just the hard times. I do pray during the good times but not near as often as I do during the bad times. I try to remember to give thanks for my food before I eat it always. I do it in my head though and not out loud. My wife is Catholic. We were married in a Presbyterian church though because neither one of us was confirmed and the Catholic church wouldn't marry us. When I say how I treated her is because I didn't appreciate all the things she did for me in the past and just started to expect them. When her business started to go bad the first year I was understanding but as time went on I did point out her mistake a lot especially when we got behind on the bills. A lot of times though I did it to defend myself when she would point out my shortcomings as a husband. We just started not to respect each other. And like I said before I was lazy and did put just about everything on her. And the more she belittled me the more I refused to do things. I guess it turned into a cycle. I didn't see the big picture of what was happening. We were growing apart and I did nothing to stop it. And when I heard her badmouthing me to people on the internet I got on her about it which probably made her do it more. Like now I tell people like I am you about how she treats me but I never did it before she told me she don't want to be my wife. And now I do it because this situation is hard to deal with myself. She was talking about me like she hated me and I was shocked and hurt. I didn't feel my anxiety problems were anyone's busines.
I have to admit the thought of being on my own is very scary. I went right from living at home with my family to being married and never was on my own ever. I always leaned on somebody. And the thought of working 2 jobs is disturbing because with ensomnia holding 1 is hard. Everywhere I worked they told me I am a very good worker but my biggest problem is that I call off work often. When I'm at work I do a good job however my attendance could be better. When I get vacation time and sick time I use it up fast. about girls saying they would date me. I have 2 friends that I see once in a while if I go out or say hi once in a while through friends of mine or they say hi to me. And the one night I was really feeling bad and told my wife I don't want a divorce and was upset she told me to be someone else's problem. On a coincedence I ran into one and told her what was going on and what my wife said to me and she said she would be happy to go out with me. She might of meant if I was divorced I'm not sure I never persued it. And the other one my friend must of told her my situation too and she said it through my friend. I never talked to her my friend just told me. So maybe she meant it in general as to say she don't know why my wife would say that. I'm really not sure. My friend was probably telling me about it because I was so depressed. For a while I couldn't even get out of bed and did take a leave from work for a while. The leave I took was not just because of my marital problems but my vehicle broke down and my wife left for a couple of weeks and I had no way to get to work because I couldn't use her car. I just wasn't ready to do laundry,dishes,cook, and we just got the puppy and I was overwhelmed so I needed time off. That could be why she thinks I can't take care of myself also. If I had my truck though I probably would of dealt with it all better.

The wife tells me she was 19 when she took her vows and was just a kid. I remind her though that she was the one who asked me to marry her. I don't trust her and maybe I should. I don't know. But I do know that what is important to me more than anything is to trust my wife completly and I do not. It doesn't help that she is so secretive with her internet friends though. It makes me insecure. She has passwords on her computer and if she has nothing to hide then I should be able to have them which I do not.

My Dad is awsome to talk to about religeon and life. He lives his life in that aspect better than anyone I know. I'm not just saying that. He knows so much it is unbelievable. He has anxiety and has been through a lot and has bad times like all of us but that also makes him understand exactly what I am going through and a lot of stuff I learn on my own is stuff he's been telling me all along. Some things I guess I have to figure out the hard way. I often wonder why he isn't a preacher or something. He is not bitter at all and his recent divorce is his second one. He is very wise. And very caring. He always tries to help people by telling them about accepting the Lord when they have problems. He also does not judge people and think he is better than people because he is into religion and they are not. Does that make sense. I guess what I mean is that I know other people and when they have a problem with someone they act like they are so perfect and that the other person is going to Hell.

The lady called me back about the waterbed and said somebody is looking at it monday and if they don't want it she will sell it to me. I hope I get it. If not I am going to find another one for sure. I had one before and miss it. Ya, my wife and I have separate computers. She doesn't care if anyone emails me anyway. She has at least 4 guys she is friends with online and girls also. She talks to them with a headset when she plays her game. I hope you do email me because I wanted to show you the dogs anyway. Just make sure you tell me who you are so I don't accidently delete it. Did you do the yardwork? I did not do mine. All morning I didn't feel good and had a headache and stayed in bed until at least 3pm. Then my best friend called. The one that lives in ripley. I went out to his house and he gave me a tractor ride on his land. It was great. I'm so happy he got the house in the country he always wanted. I hope to someday to do the same. I love to fish. When I was a kid and a teenager the neighborhood kids and I would walk down to the bay and fish all the time. I haven't done it for years though. I would love to camp but I can't be away from the house because the dogs need out at least 4 times a day. The puppy probably more. If I ever camped I would have to put them in kennel somehwere or take them with me. I could ask someone to let them out but Kramer doen't like to listen to people that aren't his owner and I would worry about him biting the neighbor kids who tease him or something like that. Fishing is very relaxing like you say. I do have yahoo messenger but I haven't used it in a while. I have msn also but never use it at all. Do you have yahoo messenger? If you email me you can give me your yahoo Id if you want to. Now you made me hungry talking about the fish. I'm going to eat. Take care.
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