Creativity and Anxiety/Panic

I quite agree with your blog entry. The more I read on these forums, the more I think you were right when you said, what I am going through is probably not anxiety attacks but symptoms of my depression. I think what you are saying about rechanneling your anxiety (my depression) into something positive can be used for depression as well. I do not consider myself to be a creative person, when I was younger (much) I wanted to be a writer. That ambition has been surpressed for so many years I do not think there is anything that can rescue it from the recesses of this old brain!! Once I get the depression dealt with who knows??? I also want to say that you are a very talented writer and I really enjoyed reading your blog. I did not enjoy the pain you have gone through, but the way you wrote it was really quite good !!!
Mary-Ellen

Thank you both for the kind words. It means a whole lot to me; I'm very, very happy someone's getting something out of the blog.

Unfortunately, today has been my worst day in terms of anxiety/panic since I started treatment. I've had a "mini" panic attack, a full blown modified panic attack, and I'm afraid I feel another coming on. Tomorrow will have been SEVEN WEEKS exactly since I started taking the klonopin. Unitl today, I it's hard to remember but I don't think I had a panic attack that entire time. If I did it was mild and I took it in stride. Well, the one while ago couldn't be taken in stride. And the one that's coming is going to be worse than that if it doesn't go away. I took a dose of K exactly two hours ago...maybe it will knock it out as it's due to take effect any minute.

Isn't that weird, though? I'd been doing so well and then BAM. This nausea's really killing me.

There are some possible factors. Residual stress from a very bad week at work last week. The guilt from not seeing my mom on Mother's Day. Not getting nearly enough sleep both Friday and Saturday night. Starting this morning with caffeine and eating bad stuff. Then I didn't eat for a long time after that and then maybe overate a little. Smoked a lot. Sedentary.

So I did just about everything wrong today. There've been other days that I've done the same thing and it didn't affect me like this, though. Or anything close to it. And it really makes me wonder: is the medicine wearing off? Would it do that so suddenly? Oddly enough, my last six doses were Roche Klonopin that the pharmacist gave me to see if they were any better than the Caraco generic clonazepam I was taking. Is it possible that the generic is somehow better than the original? The whole reason I asked for the "real" stuff was because I was experiencing some minor but annoying anxiety right around dose time. I thought maybe if the real stuff were even a little more potent, it might carry me through just a little longer. If not, I was just going to deal with it.

I'm not sure what to do now. What if this stuff is suddenly back? I've experienced minor setbacks and thought little of them as time went on, but nothing like today. I've written this post very slowly over the course of 20 minutes or so. I think the medicine's kicking in. My stomach feels weird but the nausea is improved. I'm less anxious, but still worried that any of this happened.

Has anyone had any similar experiences?

I'm going off topic in my own thread....geez.

Yes I did follow the link and am going to the library to see if I can find it.  I am sorry to hear you had such a rough day yesterday!!  You know what you are right!! I used to read all the time, sometimes too much, I would start a book and could not put it down untill by eyes were falling out of their sockets (insomnia depression??). I stopped reading because of this. I will definately check this one out, maybe now that I am on meds it will help me to get out there and start living again.   I have never been a big self help book reader but I recently read The Easy way to Stop Smoking and it actually worked (Till I had my melt down a month ago and like a fool I started up again).  I like history and old classics like Anna Karenina, the Brothers Karamazov, Stienbeck is my favourite(someday I will visit the Salinas valley!!).  I like reading someone who is expressive, when you read, you see and feel what the writer is experiencing.  I got that from your blog, these attacks sound tortuous and after reading your blog I have been able to realize I am not having panic attacks,I have just been too depressed to go out!! Hopefully with the aid of the meds and the physchiatrist I will be able to get my life back on track. I hope you got a good nights rest and woke up feeling better!!!!

Mary-Ellen

Post Edited (MES>>S) : 5/14/2007 6:58:29 AM (GMT-6)

Mary-Ellen,

Well, experiences vary. I'm glad you think I'm a good writer (I never thought I was, really), but even if I articulated my panic attacks well, they're unique. My panic attacks just aren't like most peoples' and that's one reason it took them forever to diagnose it. I'd go to a doctor and let them decide whether it's depression or panic...you could have them both at the same time. It's tricky.

I think The Artist's Way is part self-help and part manual. It's really good. I never really did the whole program but still found it helpful.

I got a good night's rest: a solid seven hours. My anxiety level isn't particularly high but my stomach is still in pretty bad shape. I think it's just fallout. The last panic attack I feared last night never materialized. Thankfully it was knocked out by the Klonopin. But the one before it was bad enough that my stomach's still not right. Laying flat through the night didn't help...I should've slept in a recliner.

So I'm taking the morning off, at least. There are times when time off is bad for you, and there are times when it's self-preservation. I think if I were to encounter stress right now it would send me backwards. I just took my Prevacid and my Klonopin. In an hour or two they should both be in full effect and I hope to go to work then. If not, I dont' know.

Believe it or not, I've never really been a big reader. The classics are my favorite though. The Odyssey and the Iliad are awesome. Kerouac, Hunter S. Thompson. That's the kind of stuff I like to read. Steinbeck's also great.

Lyn,
Thanks.

D,
I need to come on more often and plan to late tonite, as I have to get offline now. I agree that PA folks ARE creative, extra-much-so!
Cal me a "braggart" if you feel you must, but I'm actually a pretty darned good writer/artist! No I'm not a Renoir or a Steinbeck, but I'm content with my abilities---might as well be!! LOL!!!!
Love To You and ALL here on A/P forum!
janet

DO NOT give up on the blog. I read the entries you made over the past few days. My Brain: My friend, My enemy- it is right and it is good!!!
Mary-Ellen

Thanks for the kind words ME and Janetlee. I don't think I'll give this one up. It feels like I'm building something.

haha....I'm not putting a photo of myself on there, though. If any of my friends happened to come across it I'd be made fun of until the day I die. If anybody wants a photo they'll have to get me to e-mail them one. Will not publish one, though. Never.

D,
Send me a photo too! )
janet

NOthing WRONG with the pic at all
SELF CONFIDENCE ........
Its a good pic you 4 got to send me the link to blog though
LYN

OKILY DOLKILY
Thanks D I will be there after I p/u Cait tomorrow ( sundayI will be there) she is done at Parliament BLDGS
My how the month has gone by ........not .
Cant wait to hold her and smell her as long as she dont get all wrapped up in my IV lines
Should be a great trip 8/9 hrs all round and I am in so much pain I could and prolly will scream soon enough
Dang I despise this
LYN