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spouse of anxiety victim - please advise

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Posted 5/18/2007 8:42 PM (GMT 0)
This is my first time posting something. It has been weighing on me for a long time but I'm too embarrassed to talk about it. My husband suffers from anxiety attacks. They have been going on for years and he has tried various drugs - from Lexapro to Ativan, Xanax, Cymbalta and Luvox. None of them has worked. I know this might sound really selfish, but the worst part of living with this issue is that he has been impotent for over a year. I don't know if it is a reaction to his meds or his sexual anxiety that is the main cause - maybe both. I have offered to go to therapy with him. Basically, I'll do anything, but he doesn't seem to think he has a problem. He has tried a couple of the erectile dysfunction drugs - namely levitra and viagra - and all they do is cause him to have very serious anxiety attacks to the point that he wants to go to the hospital because of a racing heart/flushed face, etc. I'm starting to seriously consider cheating on him. I love him dearly and I can't imagine my life without him, but I have physical needs that only a man can satisfy. I feel so guilty and sad about the whole thing. People keep asking me when we're going to have kids. I'm at that certain number in my 30s where the inquiries keep coming. Though I've never really wanted children, lately I've been thinking about it. But I can never give the real answer - that my husband can't perform sexually - and some days I just want to talk to someone about it. I know that would devastate my husband if he ever found out. Hence this anonymous post. Is there anyone out there who has been through a similar situation that could offer any advice? I'm really at my wit's end with the whole thing.
Posted 5/18/2007 10:24 PM (GMT 0)

welcome

do you know if he could manage sex before he got the anxiety? antidepressants are notorious for stopping ejactulation but the valium type meds cause no problems, but if off all antidepressants for a few months he should cope OK, anxiety seldom stops sex from happening

ativan and the other valium type meds will always stop or reduce anxiety or panic attacks if the dose is correctly adjusted, many of us carry a few tablets with us and disolve 1 under the tongue at the start of a panic attack, they work fastest that way ( sublingually)

antidepresssants work sometimes, must be tried for up to 6 weeks with dosage adjustment

self help books on overcoming agoraphobia or panic disorder have useful advice

Posted 5/19/2007 5:46 AM (GMT 0)
Worried Spouse,
My first advice to you IS DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR HUSBAND, this is something that he can not control. You say you have needs that only a man can satisfy. go out & buy you a 'male toy', have him to use it on you. this should get him very aroused. How much do you love your husband??? Yes, I know sex is a big part of marriage but it is most definitley not the most important thing. As long as your husband feels like he is not satisfying you than he is not going to be able to perform because the constant worry will be in his head.
Use your imagination so you can get your love life back on track.
Posted 5/20/2007 2:20 PM (GMT 0)
Good advice Graces-Angel. Just to let you know I was diagnosed with Severe Panic Disorder a about5 years ago. I don't even list it in my profile because I haven't had a Panic Attack in two years. THat is how under control they are now. Don't give up on your hubby. Continue to help him find his way out the hell he is living in. Really, as far the sexual issues, it is no different than someone who is physically ill and is too sick or tired to perform. I would hate if my husband, during my rough times would think about cheating on me...during those times, he just takes care of himself, knowing I'll be back eventually. I am very cognizant of what this must be like for a spouse...hang in there and keep the faith...once he gets better, you two have a lot of lost time to make up for.
Posted 5/20/2007 11:28 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome
There is NO judgement here at all only support

I had problems with my ex he is diabetic and I have crohns sooooo to make a long story short yes he had problems with having erections YET never once did it ever cross my mind to go lay with another man
I am a firm believer in Monogamy and I have not slept with another man since we have seperated ....
I cant and wont just in case down the line we reconcile
It was my crohns and me that pushed him away I felt I was making him live in my hell as well and never understood just how much he loved me and was worried for me ....I have other illnesses as well that I dont bring here
I feel that u need to try a " toy" or SOMETHING " other than laying with another man
In hindsight if you were to do that how would you honestly feel
PLEASE dont think I am putting you down hun I just feel you need some help and more importantly SUPPORT.........

Stay with us and no need for embarrassment here ok

Post and let us know what is goiing on please

Take care and really do some serious Soul searching on this please......LYN
Posted 5/21/2007 2:20 AM (GMT 0)
Hi worried,
Toys are DEFINITELY an option. The anxiety issue and the med issue are NOT anyones fault. Some wonderful people here on HW explained that to me at a time when I was the one who couldnt perform. Have you tried cuddling, hugs, massages etc, all the things that come across as gentle and loving that might ease him into the mood? I would imagine if there is anxiety about performing, no one wants to feel like a bowl of cream waiting to be devoured by a hungry cat :) <small joke there> It will take time to work through this, but you guys can do this. Be patient with him and with yourself. Why do you feel the need to answer these people who are asking such personal questions? You dont owe them anything so just blow it off. I think its like kronstoolong said. If your husband had cancer or any other seriously viewable debilitating disease, people wouldnt be asking "when are you gonna have a baby?" Just because you cant SEE anxiety, doesnt mean is isnt just as debilatating.
Posted 5/21/2007 1:45 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for you advice and words of encouragment. I have every intention of staying with my husband and helping him work through his issues. When I indicated that I was considering cheating on him, maybe I should have been clearer. Though I think about other men often, I don't think I could ever act on those thoughts because I couldn't do that to my husband. I love him too much. However, folks, lets be real for a minute. Toys are no substitue for close, passionate physical love between two people. My husband and I have made some progress and he is taking steps to really address the problem(s). It took over a year before he would even talk about it, let alone acknowledge that there is definately an issue here.
Sassyfrassy, you are right about the personal questions. I have decided to stop making excuses and trying to give nosey people a satisfactory answer about my "having a baby" issue. You're right, it is none of their business. I'm one of those people who feels like they have to answer everyone's prying questions and never just say, "it's none of your business."

I really appreciate all the responses. It was a tremendous release just for me to voice what I've been thinking about this whole situation (though that voice is in written words). I feel like I can face things more confidently.
Posted 5/21/2007 2:07 PM (GMT 0)
I am soooooooooooooooo glad you have ben able to voive your feelings hun and I do hope that you will keep coming back and become a part of our lil family here
As I said there is no Judgement and only support and caring

Stay with us

LYN
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