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Annoying ups and downs...

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Posted 7/11/2007 5:41 PM (GMT 0)
Well, I guess today I am feeling a bit irritated!  I am very panicky today, and I think it is really from these ups and downs, and my current fear of my doctor not giving me anymore Xanax when I run out, which will be in 3 pills! 

Yesterday, I was feeling AMAZING.  I went to like 3 different stores...all of which were not near eachother, or even my house.  I also went to my Mothers house, and sat outside while my boyfriend washed my car in her yard.  All of those things are things I never, ever do.  Especially all in one day.  I felt great, I felt "NORMAL" and I was loving life.  My boyfriend and I spent the evening together, just hanging out, without me being nervous, or feeling crappy.  It was GREAT.

Today, I woke up with the tight chest, and and feeling like total crap.  I took a Xanax shortly after I woke up, because I was on the verge of going into a panic attack, and I was alone.  (My son wasn't even home.)  I started to feel better shortly after taking the Xanax, but again, now a bit later, like almost 4 hours later, I am feeling crappy again.  This is nothing like yesterday.

I was trying to keep myself off the Xanax because I fear I will not be able to get more soon, but it is too hard.  When I need it, I need it.  I am so angry that my doctor is threatening to take this security away from me. 

I am so annoyed that I felt like a "real" person yesterday, and today, I am feeling like I am going crazy again.

When will the maddness end?  When will I feel like me again, all the time, and not just sometimes?  Like a day here and there...I feel normal, then I go back to crap.  UGH.  It is so frustrating.

Thank you for letting me vent guys.  I hope everyone is doing well!!!

(((((HUGS))))))

Posted 7/11/2007 6:23 PM (GMT 0)
hang in there. the good days will come closer and closer. and the bad will be few and far between before ya know it. just is very frustrating i know as you start to get better to sink back a little. but its gonna get better. and remember what i said. be very clear with your doc. on how BAD the anxiety is. dont sugar coat one single bit of it. make him understand that there is still lingering horrible anxiety and if he doesnt like that fact then he needs to give you something for it or change the other pill around. cause its not the cure all he thought it was gonna be. just gotta be firm and clear. dont let him bully you into thinking your making to much out of it all or anything like that.

and again. hang in there. it will get better. just got to try to give it some more time. and be patient. (which is so easy to say and oh so hard to do)
Posted 7/11/2007 6:30 PM (GMT 0)
Tina, thanks so much for your answer. You always say such sensable things to me. I am glad you were there to read my vent. Grr. It's just one of those days. I know you know what I am talking about here.
Posted 7/11/2007 6:36 PM (GMT 0)
I like to compare anxiety and panic to contractions... they come in waves. I know how you feel Tammy, are you pursuing any counselling or CBT therapy in addition to the meds? I ask because perhaps your Dr. is hoping that you can learn ways to deal with your panic without the use of benzos... Obviously this is the ideal situation but I completely understand that sometimes you need something to take the edge off. I just want to make sure that you are not relying too heavily on the xanax when you might be able to find other ways to get yourself through... what do you think. Maybe your increased anxiety comes from the fear of not having that security and just think how awesome it would be to have another line of defense (one that isn't controlled by a Dr. with a pen). Easier said than done, I know sometimes I can give advice that I don't always practice myself. I'm thinking of you :)
Posted 7/11/2007 6:49 PM (GMT 0)
Hey there LIz. Thanks for the words of encoragement! I am looking into counceling now with a therapist who specializes in CBT, but it is hard, because it is expensive. I am waiting on insurance...still. It will be in effect in the next few days here...no later than August 1st. Waiting for that is killing me. UGH. But yea, I am looking into counceling.

I don't wanna be on the Xanax. Right now, I feel I do need it, at least once a day...sometimes not even once a day. I guess the biggest thing for me is knowing i have it here if I need it, and my doctor is about to take that security away from me. It is scaring the hell out of me!!!!

That is what I am thinking. Who knows though. Who knows.

At any rate, thank you for taking the time to answer me!!
Posted 7/11/2007 7:01 PM (GMT 0)
I completely relate to what you're feeling, sometimes just having something there brings a level of security. I wish i could find a CBT therapist around where I live... I want a specialist but I don't want to have to drive an hour...

And don't worry, you'll get there. Keep in mind if you start counselling there's a chance that you'll work with a psychiatric who will evaluate your meds and chances are he/she will agree that you are entitled to a low does anti anxiety med. Good luck.
Posted 7/11/2007 7:05 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Liz! It will be a bit tough at first, I am sure, but I will make it. I have confidence!!!
Posted 7/12/2007 1:05 AM (GMT 0)
I understand the frustration of the ups and downs.  I've gone through the exact situation you are describing more times than I care to remember...I'll have a no holds barred amazing day when I can go anywhere and do anything and then the next day have trouble taking the dog outside.  It's the worst!  Lately I've been looking it at it from a different perspective, I use it as proof that what I have truly is anxiety and not some physical ailment or disease.  It does help a bit with the anxiety.  I also make sure that I write everything I do and everywhere I go on a good day in my journal, I also write on the bad days, so on those bad days I can look back on it, it helps me to see that I always make it through the tough times and back to the good.  One thing I've learned well in the 17 + years of living with this is that everything is temporary...the bad times are temporary...sadly so are the really good times, BUT, the more I am able to reduce my anxiety the more good days I have.  You hang in there, and this will get better!  Until you can get into therapy, maybe you could read some books on cbt, there's a ton out there.  I really like Claire Weekes, but maybe some others here can make some more suggestions.  Hope you're feeling better!
Posted 7/12/2007 2:29 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Junebug...and yes, I have heard good things on Claire Weekes. I will look into that. I am all about reading books about this kind of thing, and I will definately be seeing what I can find about CBT as well.

I am also glad to hear that you know what I am feeling. Those are always comforting words.

Thank You for your kind words!!!
Posted 7/12/2007 1:21 PM (GMT 0)
I also know those "UP N DOWN " days hun

It is a pain in the gasket for sure BUT know we are here for you as always and take care of you please

Am thinking bout ya


Luvs
LYN
Posted 7/12/2007 9:01 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Tammy
Gentle hugs! The road is tough, I have been down it and I know your not weak but the ups and downs of feeling like your on a teeter todder are not comfortable.
Tell that physician what you need, or get a new physician that works with people with A & P.
Therapy is a good idea, IMHO.
We are here for you so keep posting.
Posted 7/12/2007 9:04 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks so much for your comforting words Kitt...as always, I appriciate it greatly!
Posted 7/13/2007 12:04 AM (GMT 0)
Sure hope this stops for you soon sweetie
You have come so far and with baby steps
You are an inspiration to all
Keep us posted please
Luvs
LYN
Posted 7/13/2007 12:20 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Tammy,

Sometimes we have days like that. Don't let it bring you down!
There will be better days ahead for you.
Hang in there hun!

Hugs,
Mary
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