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Feeling so lonely and hurt

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Anxiety & Panic Disorders
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Posted 7/18/2007 12:37 PM (GMT 0)
sad  I am so sad right now and do not know what to do about. My bf and I have been together for 8 years now and the other day he broke up with me, because he said he needed some freedom. The only reason he said this was because I suffer with anxiety and depression real bad and can't go anywhere or do anything. I can understand his frustration, but I am so broken hearted that I don't know what to do. I've tried to do things, but I get scared and want to run home. I love him so much and I don't want him to give up on me like this. I know he loves me, but I feel he should try harder to understand. Am I wrong??? Can someone please take the time to talk with me or give me some advice? I'd have to really give you a full background, but for now I will start with this.
Posted 7/18/2007 12:50 PM (GMT 0)
binkbear,
Welcome to Healing Well and to the A & P forum.
I am so sorry that your boyfriend broke up with you and that you are in so much pain. You are among friends here smile.
I am hoping that you are on medication and also have a therapist. I would strongly encourage you to look into therapy if you have not already.
Many people do not understand Mental Health Illness. My own daughter does not, she cannot tolerate being around me unless I am happy and fun. If I am down or having a hard time she uses avoidance or does a quick phone check in.
I know this sounds hard but if your boyfriend cannot stand by you then I don't think he is the one for you right now. Maybe later he will have a better understanding of your problems.
Anytime someone important leaves us it is traumatic and a loss, so give yourself time to deal with his leaving. You are a worthy person that just happens to have a problem.
There are many wonderful members here that will have some wise advice for you.
Stay with us and keep posting.
Safe hugs
Posted 7/18/2007 1:36 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Binkbear,

Welcome to HW.  This forum is such a great support, we are so glad you are here now. :-)

I could not even believe when I read your post today.  I just woke up about 5 minutes ago; and I had a dream that my bf left me for the exact reasons you described.  In the dream, there were all of these girls who were having fun doing things, and I was too scared b/c of my bipolar and anxiety. 

It was a dream, but in truth, I am fearful that my bf will leave me b/c of my illness someday too.  Like you, I try to do things, and I've also done everything I can to get professional help so all those things become easier.  But the illness makes that impossible sometimes.  If only those who love us could understand that.

I am so sorry to hear that you have a broken heart, and for this reason.  It's not fair is it?  Eight years is such a long time.  I feel for you, in my heart, how much this hurts. 

What Kitt said was so true, when we experience loss, we must take the time to grieve.  It's scary and hard (and even harder when you have a mental illness like us).  But lean on those around you, and on us.  Please know that you are strong.  Anyone going through this battle is extremely strong even though those around us make us feel weak or that we are not worthy. 

Keep posting, and I will keep my eye on you.  (((((Hug)))))

Posted 7/18/2007 3:02 PM (GMT 0)
HI,

I am sorry your heart is broken. Anxiety and panic is hard for others to understand if they have never had it. I am sure from his side he feels stress and just may not be able to handle it. Yet I know if he has never had it, he could never understand the true pain, the fear and stress anxiety causes you. I am sorry your sad and wish there was something someone could say to make it all better but there is not. My poor brother who is 37 and a good guy just had his heart broke and he has called me everynight for a week and he still feels bad, it just takes time.

 

Posted 7/18/2007 9:50 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all so so much. To answer some of your questions. Yes I am on medicine, but it is not working... I'll explain in later posts. I have been to therapy many times, but I am on medicare at 37 yrs old because I have spina bifida, degenerative disc disease, and arthritis in my spine. To supplement the medicare I have state insurance. I cannot find a therapist that is near me who will take it. Now on top of everything thats happening right now. Three years ago I lost my home to a fire...and my son and I are living with my parents.....which I love, but they are having major financial problems....which is stressful on me....They both had very prominent jobs at Johns Hopkins Hospital and were replaced by younger people....my parents are 62. So they have lived off of the 401K for years while working where ever they can...needless to say at there age its very difficult to find a job.....they don't want older people. SO anyway I am dealing with that.....Now back to before. Then I ended up with Ecolli in my kidneys and ever since then I have had kidney trouble. I have the anxiety and depression really bad and now it's worse. One day I woke up and said I am fed up with paxil and I want something new. So I went to the doctors and she put me on lexapro, but being a pro at all these meds I said shouldn't I wean off of the paxil before I start the lexapro...she said no you will be fine. Wel reluctantly I did what she said and ended up stopping the paxil all together and taking the lexapro. I thought I was gonna die....by the third day I was sweating, nauseous, Had the tremors, and thought I was gonna die for real. I kept fighting it and finally my mother said enough you are going to the ER so we did. Just as I thought the ER doc was so mad he said you just cant stop these kinds of meds cold turkey and put me right back on the paxil. Ever since that happened I havent been doing well with my anxiety and depression. Now by my own stupidity and insecurity..... Over the weekend I went and invited an old neighbor which is male to come over and watch a movie and have dinner with me and my family. He turns around and calls my bf ( who was on his way to mountain bike with a friend) and proceed to tell him that I had invited him and why did I do that. Well my bf blew a gasket and screamed and yelled at me and said he was done with me. He has always been very very supportive of me with my troubles....but I guess it has to get tiring staying home all the time with someone like me. Now he has his faults believe me which I will explain if you want to hear, but I know I hav eto get a hold of myself. To make matters even worse. Mind you I dont do drugs or drink...never have I ended up hooked on nasal spray and now I have severe sinus disease and suffer with really really bad headaches. They are not sure if something is on my brain or if it's the disease. I have to have surgery and could possibly have a hole near my eyes and nose. If thats not enough... I had to file bankruptcy many years ago when I got divorced and when the house burned down.....they fixed it and I sold it.........to my disbelief the home equity loan that my husband and I had on the house was discharged and I didnt have to pay it back and my chapter 13 was closed. Now I get a letter in the mail that the company has fought to reopen the case and are suing me for $81,000 on a $35, 000 loan.. I can't take much more. My son even told my mom the other day he thought I was gonna committ suicide. I would never because I am afraid of drowning.....petrified of guns...... Hate pills. So I guess Im stuck. Can you believe this..... When is the black cloud going to lift. Crying tell your brother I feel for him. I am always here to listen . Even though I am going through hell.... I always want to lend a helping hand. It does take time. Well now you know most of my story....there is plenty more to tell, but I will wait and see what you all have to say sad
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