2 steps forward, 3 steps back

So, I feel like I am done moving forward now, and from here on out, it is going to be back, back, back.  I have been on the 10 mg of Lexapro since the end of June.  For a while, I was starting to feel pretty good with that.  Almost back to normal.  I was going shopping, and going to family functions, and going for walks again, and just living a normal, and almost carefree life.  NOW, well, I am starting to wake up with the panic attacks every morning.  I can't go further than my parents house across the street, and that is even sometimes a struggle.  I was doing fine with my boyfriend being at work, now, I long for him to come home again.  The way I am starting to feel is the way I was feeling before I was on the Lexapro, and that stinks.  I went like 3 full weeks with NO XANAX, and now, I take anywhere from one to four .25 mg pills a day.  Why is this happening?  What the heck do I need to do to get my life back??? 

I am both mentally and physically tired, and I am tired of being tired.   I am feeling depressed again, and that feeling sucks, because I wasn't feeling any depression with the Lexapro.   My chest wasn't feeling tight, and all the sudden the tightness is back.  I was back to living life for what it was, and now I look forward to bed time, but I dread waking up.  Waking up is scary to me, because I wake up full of anxiety, or in a panic attack.  This is scaring me.  I was getting life back, and now I feel it being pulled away from me again.  I am scared, and I am sad, and I don't know what to do.

Other quick updates...Mom is doing great.  NO BLEEDING lately.  (knock on wood)

We are going to probably be moving to that other unit this week.  It is right behind the unit we are in now, it is just more updated, and a lot nicer.  The owners are suppose to be coming out here either today or tomorrow to access any damage we have in this place, and see what they would want us to pay for rent. 

The maintenance man finally worked on the water damage, but we were without my sons bedroom all weekend, so he and I had an all weekend slumber party in the living room.  I brought his bed out and put it next to the couch.  We had a nice time.  If nothing else, something good came out of the whole water damage thing...Jay Jay and I spent a whole weekend having mommy and son time!  It was nice! 

No guys, I haven't gone to the dentist.  Anxiety takes priority over anything else.... But, my tooth is feeling fine...(again, knock on wood)  I am going to deal with the tooth as soon as I can, and until then, I pray to God that my tooth stays quiet for me.

At any rate, if anyone has any advice, or words of wisdom for me, as usual, it is much appriciated.  I hope everyone had a great weekend, and I wish everyone a happy MONDAY!!!

Lots of Love!

Good Morning Tammy

First off, a ton of hugs for you (((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))).

Perhaps with your Mother doing better and your not needing to respond, you have lapsed back into not knowing what to do as no one is helping direct you. When your Mom was bleeding you had to go no choice to make.  Now your back to having to make choices and stuck in the circle of anxiety again.

I would also suggest that you talk with your physician about taking the Lexapro to the 20 mg dose as 10 mg may be to low for you.

No guilt about using the Xanax, you will deal with that again when your ready.

You must give yourself kudos for the wonderful Mother you are as well as devoted daughter. Look at all the good things you have done.  Keep a list of you positives and when you read it you may realize yourself that you are quite amazing.

Take care and keep posting. You are family here. :)

Hi everyone. THanks for the words of wisdom. I am feeling, eh, today. Not good, not bad. I am tired, cuz sleeping isn't coming easy to me right now. This set back isn't any type of fun. I am thinking of talking to my doctor about upping the Lexapro, and I need to talk to him about more Xanax, but I am scared to. He doesn't love to prescribe Xanax at all, so for me to try to get more, well, it scares me. Or, should I talk to him about Valium or Klonopin? Do they work the same as Xanax? I am so not familiar with these drugs, and I have been doing some research online about them, but feel maybe you guys could give me better answers to these questions, as you guys have taken these drugs. Any suggestions are always appriciated!

I will always keep you all updated. Thanks again to anyone who takes the time to answer.

I hope everyone is having a great day...

Tammy,

Do you keep a list of your meds. Start and always list Xanax as a regular med you use so when you go in for a medication check you can just list the meds your on.  Tell your physician which ones are working and what is not.

Do not make a big issue over the Xanax, just expect that he will fill it for you every month as it is one of you regular meds for Anxiety and Panic Disorder.

Don't beg, just tell him you use it, it works and you need a refill.

As for the other meds, if this one works for you I would stick with it. Klonopin is short acting and Valium is the longest acting.

Bless you.

Thanks everyone for the help. I am just feeling so frustrated and overall, just yuck lately. I called about a Xanax refill and possibly upping the Lexapro today....got the voicemail though. Waiting to hear back.

Also waiting to hear back from the owner of this darn apartment about moving to the other unit...that is getting totally frustrating!

Mom is doing great. In fact, her and Dad are going on a little vacation to Pennsylvania for the next couple days...just to get away and sorta celebrate the life she has...that she almost lost so manyt imes. It will be good for them both, and I am very excited about it.

In some ways, things are looking up...in other ways...ugh.

Thanks all for listening.

Luv ya all!