breaking up..I feel like a piece of crud...

Hey Laurie_

I know how you feel and i'm sorry. Breaking up is awful, and moving out into your own place, while exciting at times, can be very frightening. I'm around the same again and feel different at different parts of the day about being alone. Sometimes its exciting to think that I have my own place, everything is mine, and its a place that i call my home. At night it's a different story, i want to the company, i want the person I was with to be there with me, or someone to share the time with. I have nights where i sleep with the lights on. I have hard nights, but i'll tell you this -- It gets easier. The more time that has gone by the better i feel. You wont always be afraid to be alone, it just takes time to get used to. You lived with someone for 13 years!!! Thats a really long time! It takes a little while to get used to, but you be fine. In fact, you'll probably end up loving it! I know most of the time I do.

A way i got used to sleeping with the lights off again was i bought a lamp that had a dimmer. Each night I would turn my light of and turn on the lamp. I would dim it more and more each night just a little. After a few nights it was so dim it made this annoying buzzing sound, so i just turned it off :)

Also, white noise has helped me a lot. I use a fan every night, no matter how cold it is (yeah, i know -- real good way to waste energy), but it helps.

You're going through a tough time, and I would lean on some family and friends for a little while. Talking on the phone helped me, or writing on the computer. Also, it sounds like this move hasnt happened yet, so a lot of this is anticipatory anxiety. Something I suffer greatly from. The one thing I have found is that facing what i fear usually isnt nearly as bad as thinking about what I fear. Meaning, once you actually move in to the place, it wont be as bad as you think. It really wont. And just to make sure it won't be, you can do a few things to occupy yourself during the transition.

Plan, and set your expectations low. If you know you're going to be afraid of the dark when you are alone, get a lamp that dims. Its soothing some night to sleep with a dim light. It's almost like candle light but safer!!! :) Lean on friends and fam. Call your friends and chat and stay busy. Get a journal if you dont have one and start writing all the feelings you have.

Coming on here and writing is a really strong and brave start to your move. You're reaching out, and we're here for you... What i think you're dealing with is two-fold (anticipatory anxiety and separation anxiety). Thats why you feel like a baby, and you feel guilty for having those feelings. Don't, or try not too. So many people feel that way. Some nights I still run to my room after i shut the bathroom light off cause I'm scared of whats (not really) down the hall -- I freak myself out the same way i did when i was little.

So anyways, I think you're off to a great start even though it may not feel that way. The helpless feeling will go away, and that fear you have WILL NOT be as bad as you think it will. Really. Just keep writing, keep doing, keep thinking about the place during the day, and how you're going to do things to make the nights be comfortable for you. It sounds like you are trusting your gut, and usually your gut is right. Don't stay in something that you don't like. Its not fair to you or the other person. I think its brave of you to go out onto your own. And again, you'll see that its not that bad. Just takes a little time... Again, the hardest part is just doing it, and you're almost there... You're in the toughest part!

Hang in there, and keep writing! Be kind to yourself and know that its ok to have the feelings you have. It's natural!

best_
daniel

No problem at all. I feel for what you are going through. I've been through the same stuff and believe me, I know how hard it is. I was only with the person for 4 years, and it was so hard to end it. It felt like the ground beneath me was gone, I felt like i was floating in anxiety and just ruminated on thoughts that we not kind to myself. A lot of stuff you might be feel.

"Damaged goods" -- I hear that a lot. You're not damaged goods!!!. You're going through a tough time! A really tough time, and its common to feel how you feel. It sucks, there's no really way around it. You will get through it and feel a lot better. You're outlook is towards a future that is undefined -- and that's the scary part. What happens next?!? Really try, if you can, to focus on today. Try and take a little mini break from all of this, if you can. Go out and do something nice for yourself, or do something that makes you happy. This sometimes helps break the cycle a bit. If you can't do that, that's fine to and totally understandable.

Do you have a therapist you can talk to? I feel like my advice is well, my advice and it might add to guilt, and thats the last thing i want to do. I'm maybe not the right person to give this sort of advice. I'm hoping some of the other women on this board jump in here.

Keep writing, you will get through all that there is to get through. Be kind to yourself during these times, and know that you have the right to be happy! And no matter what, you will be!.

Dan

Hello Laurie,

I am sorry about your break-up and your fear and sadness at being alone....coming here and talking about this as well as sharing it with others is the best thing to do.

I would like to suggest that you begin to journal.

Get honest with how you FEEL about things; how things "really are" instead of how you "think" they are. Write it all down. Be honest with yourself! Spend a lot of time thinking about what's happening right now, instead of dwelling on the past. There is no future in the past. Being concerned about something that has already happened; something you cannot change, keeps you stuck. To begin again; to really move ahead, you must work on YOU! Let go of the past.

I truly believe you will win this battle that you are facing today.  You deserve to be happy and learning to take care of yourself first is a positive step.

Keep posting and know we are here for you.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

Hey laurie, just see how you are doing. Hope you're hanging in there!

Dan