i feel like i am in some sort of coma, or like there is all this smoke in my head. I got diagonsed with panic disorder, depression, agraphobia and ocd after spending close to a year in my house too terrified to leave, thinking i had something wrong with my stomach because it made me feel so nausious.
I am on 40mg prozac a day at the moment, but i seem to go through these stages. Maybe every 5 weeks or so, i go through a really strange patch, where there is all this noise in my head, like constant aggrivation, frustration, worry, anxiety, and i really can't controll it. These times i get quite sick feeling and convince myself i will never feel better and i will always feel that bad. Then if there is anything to worry about, the smallest of things, i get obsessed with it and its all i think about. Then i get this weird feeling in my head, like i'm not quite there, i feel quite sick, things arn't right somehow. These are the times i feel more creative, and a lot of the rest of the time, i feel kind of mute almost.
I think i have some kind of winter bug at the moment. I had a really bad head cold a few weeks back and now i have stomach pain/upset, nausia, and a bit of acid reflux. Thing is, it has coinsided with these bad patches i get, so now im so terrified that all these sicky feelings are just anxiety and not some sort of winter bug, even tho i have only had it for about one week.
I have been acting so out of character. I am normally quite shy, but i chatted up 2 guys in a club on the same night even though i didn;t like either of them. Then i engaged in a sex act with another male, again who i didn't like, and then i felt so disgusting and guilty and paranoid. Then i sent a letter to this boy i have real feelings for explaining everything, but it was kind of intense and i think it confused him a little. Its like im in my own little world a lot of the time, like something else is controlling and the real me is watching through a tiny gap not being able to change anything. I wake up a lot of the time thinking "i am such an idiot." I feel like i am reaching out to be noticed and to be loved but i don;t want any of the people who want me to want me. I only want the boy i am in love with but i have ruined that i think. I feel like i need help, im so scared that my life will be like this all the time. Please some one reasure me.
I have a friend with bipolar and she said she experienced a lot of the same things when she was on the anti-deps following her first break down - could this be a possibility?