First off i'd just like to say thank you so much to each and every one of you. For the first time since my mom's passing a year ago, I feel like I'm not alone. My first ever panic attack was 15 years ago. I was 12 then. My grandmother had a heart attack the day before, and was taken to the hospital. I was the one who called 911 for her, while my mom and aunt tended to her. The next day, me, my mom, my aunt and uncle, my sisters, and a couple others were all watching a movie. A horror movie at that. I somehow started to feel as if I couldn't breathe and nobody understood why. My heart was racing, my teeth were tingling, i couldn't control my thoughts it felt like, i was crying hysterically. My mom and my aunt were all trying to comfort me and let me know that I am breathing. They said, if your not breathing...how are you talking to us. LoL. Whenever they said that and made logic, it would calm me down for a bit, but it would start back up. This went on and off for about
an hour until I eventually tired myself out from all the excitement and had no choice but to relax cuz i was exhausted. My aunt was explaining to my mom at the time that I was having a panic attack. Possibly due to what happened to my grandmother the night before, I was mimicking her symptons.
This went off and on for awhile. Then my next major one happened when i was 19 or 20. A couple of buddies and i were smoking weed, and the same feelings happened to me. I thought i was gonna die on the spot, or lose my mind. Which is a huge fear of mine. I don't wanna lose control. I was able to fight through those attacks. Also around this time, my mom was starting to have really bad anxiety attacks. Worse than mine. For a few months she couldn't go to work, she couldn't go to any public place like a store or anything like that. She was in constant fear. During this time period, surprisingly, mine had went away. I'm guessing because i didn't feel alone anymore. Which i wasn't happy that my mom was going through this, but it was comforting in a weird way to know i wasn't the only one. Through therapy and such she got through it. Every now and then she'd get attacks, but she'd know how to get through it.
Now lets fast forward to last year. After a year and a half battle with cancer, my mom passed away. My stepdad moved on with another woman like a month later. My sisters moved with my aunt. And I live in a house with my 2 bestfiends. We're all roommates. During my mom's passing, i had only 1 major attack. It was the day of her burial, when we got back. My stepdad wanted to stop by a friends house who was having a party. To get his mind off things. So we did stop by and I had some shots. Awhile later that night, I had a major freakout. It had hit me that i just lost my mother, and i felt like my world was over too. My stepdad and stepgrandmother comforted me and got me through it.
Now here I am today. I had some adjustments to make over the last year since my mom's passing, but all and all i've been fine. Until a week ago. I just turned 27 on sunday. After my mom had passed, somehow ended up having a feeling that I would pass soon too. i honestly didn't think i'd make it to 27. So the day of my birthday, after all the candles were blown out, and I was alone, i freaked out. I had some alcohol in me, but I felt like I couldn't cope with being 27, and that my life would end, and if it didn't, would i be able to make it and stuff. I started feeling like i was going crazy and nobody would understand why. Monday i was feeling a bit distant from the world around me. Tuesday the same. And last night, I had a full blown panic attack. At the time it felt like nothing my roommates were saying would calm me down. I called my aunt who lives a few towns over and explained everything to her. I explained how i'm definately NOT suicidle, but it feels like i'm going to die. And how can i cope and all that. Trust me, I want to live a normal life more than anything. I eventually became calm enough to watch a movie with my friends and just talk about how i was feeling. They've never been through anything like i have, so they would comfort me, but at the same time it would freak me out that they hadn't experienced it. I was so so close to going to the hospital, but then its like "What would they have done?" i'm physically ok.
So after 2 hours of sleep, its morning right now. My thoughts are still racing up and down, back and forth. More so for the fear of "What if I can't get better? How do i make this stop?" the one person who truly knew what i was going through was my mom. Now that she's been gone a year, and this is happening, I just feel so alone about it. Everyone is saying i should see a therapist. I explained to my Aunt that I was scared to because it'll be like i'm admitting i'm crazy and may freak me out more. Everyone has comforted me by letting me know that therapist is a normal thing. i always had it in my mind that you have to be going crazy to see one.
I've decided I'm calling off of work today. I just want a day to kinda get past this. Plus i don't wanna cause a scene at work. I then logged on the net and found this forum. I am so grateful to find this. It comforts me so much to hear from other people who are going through the same feelings and emotions I am. For the first time since my mom, I feel like I'm not the only one. I know this post is lengthy, and its my first one. I just had so much built up inside me, that talking about my first time made me wanna tell it all. I always thought I was over it, and now that its back full blown, I just need help dealing with it. Thanks for your time, and i'm excited about hearing your replies. Thanks, and God Bless.