Really struggling with life ...

HI my thoughts and prayers are with you as i go through the same feelings everytime i have to leave my house for any reason. I to have been married for a long time 20 yrs and think about what will happen if for some reason we split which increases the anxiety. I have put him though alot the past couple of yrs and don't know how much more he can take. Currently we are hoping to move away from my family as they have only made problems worse for us near them. This has also added stress to me because for the past 10 or so yrs i thought my mom and i were finally getting close after yrs of being apart. SO i know some of what you are going through. I can only offer you the advise to change dr until you find one that listens.  i hope you the best! Di

Good Morning Honey Bee................

I am so proud of you for starting your 7 week course and what a positive step that is.  You are your own best advocate and I believe in you.

I am by no means not validating the pain and heartache you are going through.  Your pain is still so new and you have some very tough spots to go through ahead of you.

My advice when you see your ex is to stay as calm as you can until you get the "business parts" taken care of.

Above all, take care of yourself afterwards -- go buy something nice or treat yourself to a good dinner, maybe a nice soak in the tub and let the tears out.

No matter what you think you're going to say, it hardly comes out. You will have so many emotions going through you that it will probably be a blur, but knowing they will be there is half the battle.

Revel in independence! Learn, grow, change, which you are doing but the pain is still with you and all I can do is tell you time dulls the pain but you must do this in your own time frame.

And always remember you have your family here and you can come and post and vent anytime your want to.  We are here for you, so use us well.

Gentle hugs my friend and let us take your hand..............we will help you through.

Hugs
Kitt

I am happy that you fell asleep during the session that means it is working to relax you. I just worry about splitting with my husband afraid he can not handle the fact that i am borderline personality and have fibromialgia and the constant care that i need is hard on him. I wouldn't blame him if he did leave i know how it is to take care of sombody since it was my profession for 14 yrs taking care of the elderly. Your long letters (post) are nice because you let us know what is going on. I hope your trip goes good for you.

Love Di 

I'm a friend of Honey Bee's from another site on HW. I haven't heard from her since she needed to go on the trip back to her home...and just thought I would check here. I am hoping that by bumping this back up on the string....she'll let us all know how she's doing.

If your reading and not up for posting Honey Bee, we care, we're here...reach out when you are ready and touch base letting us know you are okay. If all is fine, and you've just not had time...hope the world is seeing your smiles. You deserve them. BIG HUGS TO YOU!!!!!!! LFW

Hoping to hear from you Honeybee and thanks for bringing this to our attention LFW

Great friend she has in you for sure

LYN

Honeybee,   I haven't posted much in the last couple of days, but have just read through all of your posts and I am so sorry you are going through so much with so many emotions all at the same time.  I hope your weekend with your hubbie wasn't absolutely horrible.  When you feel up to it please post and let us know how it went.  Remember, we do care and love you as you are.   Take care and lots of hugs to you, Wen

Hi guys - another long post I am afraid!!

I am still here and thank you all so much for checking in on me. I have been reading the forums a little but have not had the time or energy to sit down and actually type a response so apologies to you all.

Well, to report back on my weekend. It was very strange going back home and seeing my husband and cats after 3 months. He met me at the airport and it was very strange seeing him, like he looked different but that passed. Walking into the house was a little traumatic and I cried when I saw my three little cats. I thought they may have forgotten me but they hadn't and apart from Jake who is a little shy the other two came straight up to me. Jake soon came around though. All three of them made trips into my bedroom throughout the night which was nice - I had forgotten how much I missed that.

I cannot say the weekend went well, although we went out for lunch and walks both days we did end up getting into some difficult discussions, arguments and tension which I suppose is only to be expected. Sunday evening was not good at al and on Monday when I went back to the airport we were not speaking when he dropped me off, BUT and it is a big BUT although I felt very upset at leaving at the airport I did not feel any worse than I had before I went and am very glad that I decided to go and face my fears about going home. I did not want the first time I had to go back to be when we had sold the house and we were splitting all our things and clearing the place, also am glad that I saw my cats. I brought a few personal bits and bobs back with me, ornaments and things, mostly things my mum and dad had bought me so nothing that was a big reminder of my hubbie and our life together which I think would be too hard at the moment.

I actually felt a little more upset and anxious this last weekend as was thinking that 'this time last week I was doing this and that at my old home'. Although I do quite like the town I am living in now I still do love my home city so that was a bit of a reminder of how much I had left behind as well as on a personal level but I am trying my best to not think to much about it all. I am really trying to focus on the fact that some of these things are fate in some strange way. Not sure whether that is utterly stupid and something I am just hanging onto to get through each day at the moment!!

The one big saving grace is my new flat mate continues to be a godsend. As she was also going to the same city she flew back with me which was a great help and then cooked me dinner and ran me a bath with candles to try and make me feel relaxed which was so kind of her. She is keeping me going in a lot of ways at the moment which is why I am thinking there is a reason we have met at this particular time in life. I am worried that I am relying on her a little too much in terms of company so am also trying to do some things (meditation class is one of them) on my own which forces me to have to go out etc on an evening and meet different people.

Also, I think I mentioned that I am doing a 3 month contract temping job at the moment working for 3 consultants at one of the hospitals here. Well this week, the girl who works with me is on holiday so I am on my own which is another reason I have not posted. Last week was long days preparing and this week I am starting early, working later with no time for a break throughout the day. It is a pretty big challenge juggling the patient clinics, the phone which rings constantly (today I had 30 messages in a few hours as if I am on the phone it automatically redirects to the answerphone), plus lots of other things. It is very positive in one way as keeps my mind occupied, also I think the people who are employing me temporarily may be using it as a test to see how I do so I am trying to keep calm and stay focussed and not worry too much.

I think last time I posted I had had a terrible few days coming off the Xanax and starting the Valium as well as continuing my anti-depressants but I think the Valium has started to help as I am feeling a bit calmer even though I have had to deal with going home and this week at work. I am keeping all my fingers and toes crossed that it continues, although my doc wants me to cut down on the Valium in the next couple of weeks which I am not keen to do at the moment. I have only been taking it for a very short time and feel I still need it. I cannot bear to feel like I did before so may have to fight him on this a little longer. I am taking 2 tablets on a night and sometimes half in the morning. No idea whether this is a lot or not as haven't taken any of this type of med before. Should I be worried about needing it for a while longer?

Anyway, thank you all again for caring, I will be back to post just feeling very tired at the moment. Next challenge is a long weekend coming up, I don't like the weekends now that I am 'single', I am sure some will also associate with this and at the moment we have had a run of them. I would much rather just be working to keep me occupied. Also, my hubbie is out doing fun things with his new girlfriend which does send my mind wandering and definately depresses me on the weekends. My flat mate is likely going to be away so I need to try and sort some other things out to do to break the days up. Also, I need to find some different temp work for the second week in June as two of my surgeons are on hols so will not need me.

Big hugs to all.

Love

Honey Bee
xxxx

LFW - thanks so much for coming over to this forum and bumping me back up again, appreciate that, will be in touch soon. Hope all is good with you and take care xxx.

Percycat - has your kittie come home yet? Let me know an update. We picked up a stray little dog on Saturday when walking my flat mates and neighbours dog. She was totally lost, wandering on the road and it was evening. She followed us home and we have been trying to find her owner since then 4 days ago. I don't want to take her to the RSPCA in case they put her down, she has a council registration tag but they will not disclose who she belongs to. She is a friendly dog and someone must be missing her. She has not been microchipped either so no luck there. We have taken a photo tonight of her and I am going to send it to the RSPCA and hope someone calls them. In the meantime we are going to keep her here for a few more days.

Honey Bee,

I wouldn't worry about your meds at the moment, you sound like one brave, strong person and I have no doubt that when and if you decide to lower the dose you will be able to do it with full strength.  What you are taking right now is IMHO not a great deal. With everything on your plate right now I would give that one over for now.  Let someone else worry about that for a while and take care of you.  I wish you all the best, and I'm glad you got to see your three beautiful kitties.

Honey Bee,

I'm so glad you came through that very tough challenge so well. I think you're doing such a good job of being strong and trying to be realistic about moving on. It's okay, of course, to still grieve and feel sad over your losses - your relationship, your house, your cats, your home city -- but you are tackling this new stage in your life so well, despite how hard it is. Great big hugs and a cat-tail tickle (that's her way of comforting) to you!

Love and prayers,
percycat

PS - No sign of my other cat yet. I'm going to have to put an ad in the student newspaper in the fall and hope that produces some results. A neighbor told me "Oh, that cat - her problem is she goes into houses and gets shut in." Just what I needed to hear! I did check outside all the garages, sheds, and vacant houses in the neighborhood right after she disappeared, so I try not to worry that she was trapped. Instead, I picture her eating tuna and cream somewhere on the other side of the state until the college kids come back to town.

I all just letting you know i might be away for a week or so trying to get my doctor to put me back into the hospital to change my meds they seem to only work for about 6 monthes for me as the weather changes they stop working. been having alot of trouble with depression, thoughts and moods. will know more tuesday. but just incase you don't hear from me you know where i am.

Di