Have had a couple of bad days

OY!!  I hate these anxious, self-pitying days.  But I have such a hard time getting out of them when they strike me!  I've had a lot going in the last few months and just feel sorry for myself.  I know this isn't the way to be and isn't very strong of me to be like this, but when it hits I just don't know how to get out of it.  It's almost like it has to pass on it's own.    I feel lots of guilt and feel like a huge burden to my very understanding family.  Although I am now receiving Social Security Disability, I still feel like I'm not actively contributing financially as I'm not working.  After about 4 months of not working, my husband finally found a job that has him working nights.  He wanted to work nights so that he could be here during the day in case something happens to me as well as being able to take me to my doctor appointments.  I feel so guilty for having put him in this position, he would be working days like most people if it wasn't for me.  If I had been able to keep it together and not have a total mental breakdown he would be able to live a normal life and so would my kids.    Because of the agoraphobia, I don't visit any family any more, if we want to see anyone they have to come here because I just can't handle going to someone's house.  I keep telling my husband to go visit the family so the kids can see their grandparents and I'll be fine here at home.  But so far, he hasn't done it.  Although the families understand what's going on with me, I still feel guilty for not visiting.  I do email and call them but it isn't the same.  My family should be able to live a normal life.   My oldest child is 22 and he such a great kid - he doesn't push me in any way to go to his apartment to visit.  When we want to get together he just comes over here, no questions asked.  He's sensitive and although he doesn't fully understand what I'm dealing with, he tries to help however he can.   There have been so many times that I wish all of this would go away so that I could live my life as it used to be.  Although it wasn't perfect, it was better than this.  I still have two teenagers to finish raising and I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job any more.  This is a critical time for my daughter who is 13 and needs her mom.  I talk to her almost every day about what's going on in her life (school, friends, etc) but I still don't think I'm doing very well at it.   My other son is 15 and I still have to watch him for any problems.  We went through several years of pur h**l with him - acting out, suicidal, running away, several psych admissions, and the last straw was when he set a fire in my house (no damage, thankfully).  At that point I really had no choice but to press charges against him and he wasn't quite 12 at the time.  During all of this he was in therapy and on meds, but to no avail.  When we finally got to court, he was removed from our home and spent the next two years in a treatment facility for boys.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would have to press charges against one of my children, take him to court and admit him to a psych hospital several times.  This is not something a parent ever imagines having to do and I still carry a lot of guilt about it all; I feel as though I failed as a parent.  But in the long run, it was the best thing I could have done for him he has been home for about a year and a half now and has done pretty well.    It was almost a full year that he was home when I finally broke down.  The timing seemed odd to me and I made the comment to my PCP that I should have broken down during all of the turmoil.  She quickly corrected me by saying that I HAD to keep it together during all of that and now that he was home and things were going okay, was I finally able to let my guard down a little.  That's when I broke down and had myself admitted to the hospital.    I'm still in therapy and on meds and probably will be for quite awhile, but I wish it didn't have to be this way.  I just feel guilty for everything.  This post is much longer than I had intended; I just wanted to vent a little bit - but it's more than a little bit.  Thanks for taking the time to read and letting me ramble for awhile.   Wen

Oh Wen,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through!!! I work in probation and see these types of situations ALL THE TIME... and it saddens me. There is no reason for blame and guilt when a situation like this happens with a child because many times all that does is make the situation worse. You love your child and that's why you took the steps you did to keep him safe and have him in an environment where he would receive the most help. Anyone would struggle with this type of stress and I completely agree with your PCP that your mind has a way of holding it together in order to weather the storm but once things settle you can crumble a bit.

YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!! And your children will be stronger more sensitive individuals who will see that their Mama is a strong lady and that their Dad is a loving man. That's my interpretation. You have one life and regardless of the struggles it is a beautiful life!!! Sending peacdeful thoughts your way!!!

Liz

Wen, sweetie, I wish I could take your guilt away..you have a full-time job here looking after us and being a kind soul.  You have been through so very much and I am honoured that you shared the extent of how bad you are feeling..you are such a blessing to us, so kind and gentle.  I cannot pretend to understand what you went through with your son but you can ask my mum (I was a bit of a bad seed back then) and she will let you know that sometimes we need intervention...you have done the best thing you could as a mum.  Bless..

Kitt, oh no..not the dreaded merry-go-round..I'm sorry you feel so yuck..I've put my guythrough that too and feel awful.  I'm crossing fingers and toes that you feel better, saner and not so dizzy from that roundabout action..many, many big hugs xxxxx

Liz, you are such a sweetie!! Thanks for all your beautiful input..xx

Thank you all for your support and help, it's nice knowing that others can relate and having others understand why I am in the shape I'm in right now.  There is no doubt that the last few years have been the hardest years ever for me.  These years have worn me down so much that I just had nothing left to give to myself and I just wasn't able to keep myself together any longer.  I consider myself to be a strong person, almost to a fault sometimes, but I sure don't feel strong now and haven't in quite awhile.   My husband has been my rock through all of this, I've fallen apart and he is helping to pick up those pieces and put me back together again.  Although he doesn't fully understand the level of grief and guilt I feel and he doesn't fully understand what I'm currently dealing with, he tries to understand.  But the bigger thing is that he supports me and listens to me rant, no matter how much he doesn't get what I going through.  He truly is my rock; I love and appreciate him dearly.  He reassures me quite often that he loves me, that I will get through this - with time and patience, that I have nothing to feel guilty about and that he will always be here.  I often wonder if he would just be better off if I were to leave him so that he could live without all this turmoil.    It's so good to be able to come to Healing Well to post these problems and know that there are people here who understand what I'm going through - understand the anxieties, what the agoraphobia is like, understand what some of the medical issues I have are like, etc.  All of these things have been so debilitating and have changed my life in ways that I could never imagine - and not for the better either.  Thank you all so much for you kind words, support and thoughtfulness - they are appreciated in more ways than you may realize.  I am so glad that I am a part of this amazing family - what a great support system.  I'm also glad that I volunteered to be a moderator, I love doing it - helping others is such a great feeling for me; it makes me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile.   I love you all, Wen 

Hey Wen, Hope your day is better.  Seems I was coming down with the crud which probably contributed to my feeling so depressed.  I will be on and off between naps.

I just want you to know that you are so thoughtful, and kind.  You truly are a special person and do not ever forget that.

Fun to have Meg onboard.

Lyn needs to rest, ret, rest.  I pray for her so hard.  I hope someone is listening to me.......................

Hugs to you sweetie,
Kitt

Although still feeling depressed and angry, yesterday and today have been a little better than the beginning of the week was.  I finally figured out what the trigger was for this bout of depression.  The other day I came across my mother's obituary while going through some papers (she passed away this past December).  While reading it again, the anger that I have harbored towards her for so many years came welling back up again.  But it was different this time because now it's hit me that the issues we will never, ever be resolved.  So now I have to find a way to resolve them on my own; but I will be talking about them with my therapist because I can't continue with this incredible anger any more.  So that anger just went from that to all of the other issues and problems in my life and I became overwhelmed by it - becoming very depressed by it all.  Over the course of the week, the depression has slowly lifted.  Thanks for letting me vent and share this with you!!   Luvs to all, Wen

Wen, just checking in to see how you are doing (I will send the guilt police around if you don't cheer up soon - they arrest guilt and frog-march it away!!)....please now that we care about you very much (((((((hugs))))))))

We DO understand Wen, I was on a disability for two years and felt so useless the whole time, but I simply wasn't able to work..it wasn't the right time for me.  I still got the guilts..I still get the guilts (I am on a first name basis with the guilt police, they often come over for tea and biscuits)..what you are doing right now is EXACTLY what is right for you and your family...bless xxxx

You are a wonderful, valuable, asset to this world and especially to this forum...guilt will turn up from time to time but I suggest you purchase a large bottle of "guilt be gone" to spray in their faces when they ring your doorbell!!  You are doing exactly what you need to do right now..bless you and your family wen xxxxxxxxxxx

Sis
I am so sorry you had to come to this BUT I know you and I KNOW your strengths
You have the inate ability to get thru anything and everything thrown your way and you are an ASSET to this forum for sure
KNOW we all love and care for you in so mny ways ........I do miss our talks but we shall get back on board with that K
Yes I understand totally about your issues not being resolved alot I have not resolved with Mom either but I find I cannot have the anger eat away at me anymore it takes too much outta me daily
I have you and megs and kitt and so MANY others to help me thru this ..
SO do you .......let us help sis for sure you deserve it .........

I know how you feel I kicked Howie to the curb a couple of times outta guilt fo MY being sick and it wasnt rigth I was robbing cait of her dad and me of his love.........
WE CANNOT be guilt ridden over what we have NO CONTROL over and you bleding know you didnt ask for all these sicknesses .......
you got them and you are doing your best to deal with them NOT hiding out in a corner feeling all pity for self
Here helping everyone including me .......you got me thru hell and back .......thanks .
YOU are special ...know that and also know we love ya ....Hear me............luvs sis

Megs you are too funny sweetie
I will have to see these guilt police..............are they cuter than regular police
LOL I am so glad you are now part of the team I see it is messed up under name email Peter he will fix that for you k

Stay positive you k I sure am missing all of you and have this past week .......I thought all was good BUT cait is still home today .......
Her cough is relentless and it hurts me to hear her like that ya know.........
Be good to self as you are so good to others..........
Luvs.S.i.s.