I'm curious about myself, so I'm listing it down.

Hi all, hope you're doing okay. I really hate to rant again but I've got some curiosities and questions about myself... so I'm going to post a bit about myself to better explain my situation.

As you all know or are about to know I'm an alcoholic but I'm done with the stuff due to what it's done to my life for nearly 3 years, you know I'm the complainer of panic disorder/depression/fears/etc... been here since January 2007. DO NOT FORGET PLEASE I AM ALSO AUTISTIC *22 years old* so I am not a usual person.

Anyway, I've been cutting all the bad stuff out of my life, you know trying to get SOBER and aware of life... and I've had occasional boosts of being like my old better self *which wasn't exactly always better when it came to normal things* but I feel happier sometimes with that and hope things happen to improve it.

I mean darn I wasn't off booze 28 days straight for like 3 years only a few times then I always went back to it, never giving myself enough time to rebuild my brain and such... also since 2007 I was going to a doctor who was only loading me on medications such as Prozac, Lamictal, Seroquel, Risperdal and such... and I am finally off a very tough drug to kick an anti physchotic called LAMICTAL, 47 days off it... and 27 days off booze also so I'm finally getting things straight... but there's one thing that worries me greatly still other than my usual PARANOIAS... my MEMORY issues.

Short term memory I know can occur during Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome which I think I have, and long term memory problems when you're going through recovery and such, but I am also on one final drug that I don't know how I would live without... XANAX, a Benzo drug.

I'm currently on 3mg of it a day and some of the side effects are "complete memory loss, (amnesia) and concentration problems " I got that from a side effect list, but I'm also feeling speech troubles sometimes, memory loss as in not remembering dates of certain things or short term memory such as what did I just do I just forgot that type of stuff, and concentration sometimes can be tough for me...

Now I don't know if it's the PAWS because the PAWS does have those two same side effects, or they're both piling up, and I'm also a severe OCD person regarding my issues/mental brain always thinking I have brain damage and so on, which a lot of this exploded the first time I went through alcohol withdrawal. To those who know me on this site this is not new news, all I'm saying is... you know I'm not sure what I'm actually asking... all I know is I'm off the booze and medications, except for Xanax, which as I understand the higher the dosage the more side effects you will have. Any advice/ideas about my situation? Example even though this is kind of an OCD thing, I can't remember what I did the first moment I got up out of bed, which drives me crazy when I used to be able to remember more things... well, thank you.

Paulos
IMHO
The booze would prolly be the most like of all the culprits at least the top one.....BUT
Could or do you think your Autism is also a player in this?
Please I am NOT trying to be rude just wondering

I do know Ativan for me and many others is or was a biggie in my probs with memory
it drove me nuts
Like you I am OCD and I could not for the life of me remember what I was doing when going from one room to the next
This really got to me as I was once an owner of a Retirment Home had 38 Residents and I could tell you w/o looking at chart their birthdays ....fav foods .....meds.....where they grew up and DX ........my staff and the on call doc for the home was absoulutely stunned that I could remember all that ....NOW I am lucky if I can remember a few of them

BUT I have now been DX with fibromyagia.......along with that comes a fibro fog they call it ..........

I also know for ME the booze killed off many a brain cell BUT in the yrs I have not drank they were able to re generate
it is proven that they can do this .........

Side effects listed on meds are for the protection of the pharmacuetical companies in case a person Happens to have a reaction and then they cannot be sued basically is my understanding....
I may be corrected on this

I dont know of anyone here ( and many take xanax) that have complained of memory issues

I am so sorry you are going thru this I truly am knowing how it makes you feel by my own experiences ...sometimes my daughter will look at me like I have 2 heads when I cannot remember what I was in the middle of saying.........

PLEASE know how proud I ( we ) are of you for the 27 days of sobriety
THAT is a biggie and you do deserve much recognition for taking the bull by the horns and going sober.
I know I had to change friends which saddened me but they "didnt get" that I could not have one drink.....
I got sober for many reasons ..........and am proud to say I still take it one day at a time ..........

I wish I could be of more help to you ..
Perhaps others will be more help I do hope

Take care and if you need to talk add me to MSN or yahoo or even email me
I am here........

In Sobriety........LYN

Thanks for once again showing some serious compassion. It's really generous of you all, ... man I just made a typo I almost said generouc instead of generous... I beat my record of going off booze also, it's been 30 days now, and 50 days without the Lamictal. I'm not looking for an applause really, I guess I'm just looking for help and not pity but ... I don't know... support... which you're all showing me, thank you... and my sleeping schedule is horrible... yesterday I went to sleep at 8am and got up at 8pm, then today fell asleep at 4am and woke up at 8am... I feel like I'm not going to be able to support myself because everything is too hard, I mean for example imagine all the things you love to do... everything begins to be a hassle and really difficult and you're always depressed... then you have to worry about real life stuff? I can't do things on my own... always gotta have my hand held, and yes to someone who said about my Autism I'm also REALIZING I have autism more and it's tearing me apart... everyday I just think "Oh in the scheme of the world I'm just another mental case who doctors can take advantage of because I can't speak up for myself" ... memory impairment, passive nature more than ever... man I just ... I ... I don't know... darn me :( the ONLY thing... the ONLY THING I can say I have going for me... the only POSSIBILITY I have ahead of me... is that I'm off the booze for 30 days, and those medications for 50. I'm still on Xanax 3mg because I need something to help me get through these things and my life... the memory things I related to what someone else in this post said, I could remember a lot about certain things/people and now I only remember a few. Point is I guess I'm scared of losing everything I own/have because I feel I'm not talented enough to continue the upkeep of my house, but in the past before the boozing and major meds I wasn't this bad, I wasn't great but I wasn't so PARANOID AND OCD about my LIFE... now I am... more responses would be nice... :) this is the nicest place on the internet from what I've noticed so far... and btw a good example of my overwhelment of life, if I was forced to type all this over again I don't know if I'd be able to.

Paulos, I usually post on the UC forum, but I do have some experience with people who have autism. Was your memory like most people's before? The reason I ask is that many people with autism remember every tiny detail about things, whether it's important or not. Sometimes to the point it can be hard for them to focus on doing things. If you were like that and it has changed, I would imagine your mental world might feel like a big book with empty pages right now. If so, that will pass as you get used to not having facts flowing through your brain at such a quick pace.

I hope I haven't offended, and I may be completely off the mark. If so, I apologize. I do want to add my admiration for your discipline and courage in stopping the alcohol and trying to wean off the medications. It may be that you'll find you need to take something, but hopefully you can find one drug that will help you through each day. Keep up the good work. ((hugs))

Yeah I had way more better memory before Jud and yeah certain dates, times, years, and things that happened at the time .. now I feel like I can't remember anything.. it's really saddening. And no percy I haven't ...