I'm so glad to be back!!!!

 

  Yay I am back!  My computer is finaly fixed!! I am home with my husband now and we are working things out.  Everything is so much better.  He is very genuine and is determined to change, and he already has proven that he can and will for me.  I saw my counselor for the first time last week and it went really well.  One hour with her though didn't even put a dent in all my problems, but I really like her.  My 20th birthday is tommorow so Happy Birthday to me!  I have missed you all so much it's crazy!  Thanks for all the prayers while I was away!  I'll be on more later after everyone goes to bed. 

It's great that you are back, and I'm glad that things are going so well for you!  Hope you have a WONDERFUL birthday, you deserve a great time!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Okay, so I finally have time to fill you all in. So I went home and my husband went to stay with his parents for a while. That didn't last long though since I'm working nights and he's working days, he kept our son while I was working and he ended up staying the night every night. We went on some dates and had some long deep conversations and we decided that we should work things out. I am so happy about it. I really want to make our marriage work. And not only to make it work but to make it a happy one too. So he has been so sweet and tuned in to me. Our sex life is better now since we are actually emotionaly connected. He tells me all the compliments I've been dying to hear from him. He gives me plenty of affection and showers me with love. So I'm very happy with us. I am seeing a counselor to try and work on my issues. Hopefully I will be able to learn healthy ways to eat and deal with my anxiety. I am determined to get these problems under control. Life is too short to worry the whole time.
Also I still love my job, it's the only job I've had that I look foward to going to. I love being able to talk to people and smile and laugh. My co-workers are really moody though. (all the women) and they sometimes make me feel like crap but I try and remind myself not to take it personaly since they could be having a bad day or they're just doing their job. So the job is going well. Plus I am starting to clean houses for people since my job at Piggly Wiggly is only part time. I love to clean so hopefully this will also motivate me and let me know I can do anything I put my mind to.
Amazingly my two year old son seems to not have been affected at all by all this. He doesn't mind me going to work and he didn't mind staying at my Daddy's for a month. He is great and so smart. He always makes me laugh, even when I am in the depths of despair. All I have to do is see his beautiful little smile, dimples and all, and my day is automatically better. And he comes off with the funniest things you could think of. He's so like this little adult in a two year olds body. He's so smart it blows my mind. I couldn't have produced and raised this beautiful gift from God.
On the eating disorder front, I'm not doing so well. I am trying to lose weight even though I dont need to. I just cant stand for my scale to say anything over 116. If it goes up even one pound I freak completely out. But hopefully my therapist will help me out with that. I've never talked to a therapist about my eating thing. Or more like, not-eating thing. I dont want to be a bad example for my son. I would just die if he ever did anything like I do. I dont want my pain to rub off on him so I'm trying to kick this in the butt!!!
I also have been trying to retrieve some repressed memories about possible sexual abuse. I have given that a rest for now though. I am afraid I will make something up that didn't happen. I have alot of the warning signs though. And it would explain why I've had panick attacks since I was 5 years old. And the eating disorder thing plus all the other bad things I've done to myself. (i dont think I can write about it here since it may be triggering to some)
But all in all I am doing pretty good. I am struggling with this deep sadness though. And it comes from no where. I have no reason at all to be sad but I am. I feel very depressed alot but I think it may be my Paxil. I dont know. I'll have to talk to my doc and therapist about that one.
I think that's all I know now. I am so glad to be back here where I am understood and loved. Thank you all so much for the support and prayers. It really means the world to me. Love to all!
Rachel

 Happy Birthday to you

AND many more..........

 

Hoping you have had a great day

It is your day enjoy please

 

LYN

Meg,

   Thanks for the advice.  I do try and eat three meals a day.  Usually it's a fruit and a protien bar and some soup with low sodium.  But this whole eating thing is driving me crazy.  I know I am not fat, I know that I am not ugly.  But in my crazy mind all I see is fat and ugly.  And I dont know why but I just would love to be able to get down to 100.  That has always been the goal.  But hey, maybe that's just not my perfect number.  I'm sure it's more where I'm at now.  My MD got on to me about my weight loss at my last visit.  He gave me the whole Doctor Phil speech.  (Do you watch Doctor Phil where you are?)  Anyway, he said that I was borderline underweight.  And this is going to sound crazy too but I want to be underweight.  Not just be borderline.  Am I weird?  I feel totally alone in this.  I have never met anyone who understood this.  They all just tell me to eat and be happy.  Yeah right.   Anyway, I guess I was keeping all that stuff in and didn't know it because I didn't intend to go on and on like that.  Thanks for your help.  I dont want to trigger you or anyone else so if you or someone else has to delete this post it's fine.  I would never want anyone to feel this way.  Love to you my sweet meg!

 

                                                Rachel

Rachel, Sweetie,

You are NOT weird. No way. Sadly, this is something a lot of us battle with.  If I get ovet 100 pounds its "freak time!" BTW I am only five foot so = normal weight.   It is so miserable that we measure our weight as we would our success and value in life.  I don't have the answers yet (please share!) but I keep a healthy weight because I respect myself. Tis hard, but we battle on! I have the BEST recipe for zucchini soup, email me! Stay positive. You are worth being a whole person.

Hugs, Meg

Love you too