Just when things are going good...

  Just when things were starting to go good and my anxiety was calming down, WAM, and here I am again.  My son had diareah and now I am freaking out worrying about if he's gonna get sick.  And if he gets sick, will I get it too?  And then will Jonathan get it as well?  I am so scared of this.  Rather than gaining weight it is my biggest fear.  And I know this all sounds so stupid because even if we did get sick, it would be over in about a week.  And then we would be fine again.  So then why, if I know that, am I so scared of getting sick?  I'm not scared of getting a cold or anything like that, it's the stomach bugs that scare me so much.  I dont know what to do.  I dont think I'm gonna get any sleep and I am already so tired from working all day.  Plus I have to work tommorow and I have to fix my den before I go to work.  I just had this really bad feeling about painting our den, but I didn't mention it to Jonathan.  I just knew that if we did this, we would get sick.  And now I'm afraid we are.  Plus, my therapist had me to turn on a certain lamp, that I refuse to turn on because I know if I turn it on we will get sick.  So I have been leaving it on since Thursday.  And now this.  I told her I shouldn't turn on that stupid lamp.  I'm gonna burn it.  I hate this so much.  If I'm not depressed I am completely anxious and wired.  I just dont get it.  It's like I'm noctornal or something.  I guess I need some different meds.  But I will have to wait until I go see that eating disorder doc.  I just dont even know if I can make it all the way to his office.  It's in Nashville and I have never driven there by myself, or even at all.  I have never driven in a crouded town like that.  Or on an interstate.  I dont know if I can do it.  And I cant have somebody take me because my husband cant take off work anymore and I dont want to tell anyone else in my family.  They cannot be trusted with this.  I could ask my mother-in-law, but she betrayed my trust when she told all of my family about my eating disorder when my and Jonathan were seperated.  So I am either gonna have to drive myself, or tell somebody.  Either way is so scary and anxiety triggering.  Plus, I dont want to gain weight.  I want to lose it.  I need to lose so much more.  I just dont want anyone to stop me because I have enough trouble staying on a diet without someone constantly pushing food in my face.  I just dont know. I am so exausted with all of this.  I need some major help and I dont know what to do.  I just feel like going to bed and never ever getting up.  I really would do that if it weren't for my son.  I cant abandon him like that.  Which is why I think I am so stressed.  Because I know, that no matter how bad I feel, he is still going to need me.  And how am I supposed to raise a good healthy kid when I am so screwed up myself?  I dont know what to do.  I am so tired.  I dont know how much longer I can function like this.  I dont know when, but I feel a major meltdown coming on.  A meltdown I might not make it through.  I am so scared.  I'm sorry for whining and complaining.  I just dont know what to do or where to go.  I just know that I need yall so much right now.                

                               Rachel

Oh thanks Percycat,
It's funny because I was posting on your thread the same time you were posting on mine. hehe. I am trying to hang in there. Just feeling hopeless with myself. I'm going to try and get something better as far as medicine goes, after i see this new doc. My therapist refered me to him. He is not a psychdoc just a eating disorder specialist. But he can give me perscriptions for meds. Hopefully he can help. I just dont want to gain weight. I've already been up to 120 for about a week. It varies everyday though. I guess weight is supposed to do that.? But thanks for being there for me. As I said in your post, im here for you too! Love to you!!
Rachel

I haven't heard of that peacesoul. And my counselor has refered me to a doctor who speacializes in eating disorders. I haven't went yet because I am terrified to go. I do not want to gain weight. Anyway I will look up that disorder on the net. Thanks for your input. Love to you!!
Rachel

Rachel,

I am in complete agreement with Peacesoul on this as I was just reading up on this very disorder yesterday. 

Here is the link to the site I was using:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/body-dysmorphic-disorder/DS00559

You have my support but please start to work on getting well and work with the CBT online I posted to you if you cannot get to therapist in person.

Kitt

Sweetie, you're not weak.
With all due respect to your religion, praying cannot make you eat better. You need your own might and will to want to get better. God, The Universe or whatever you believe in cannot help unless you have the will to want to get better.

Never mind the weight for now, what you can do to start is stop ALL caffeine. You need to get that drug out of your system for now. Can you start by one small step and take coffee or any other caffeine out of your diet?

Rachel, I had surgery on my esophagus last year and due to complications I had to stop all foods but Slim-Fast type drinks cold turkey. I couldn't get anything down at all. No other foods. I was a coffee and soda addict. Now I can only drink weak coffee mixed half with 2% milk. It's been 9 months. I eat pretty normal now, but still no soda or juices.

My point is, you CAN do whatever you have to do.

When I was trying to maintain my weight due to my illness, I had to figure out how many calories I needed each day. Then I built six small meals around those calories. The doctor said this the right plan whether you are trying to lose OR gain or maintain weight. Plan your food each day and make it happen.

Try it in baby steps.

First, plan out the right snacks and food to eat. Then for a week, try to eat the right stuff twice per day.

Add another meal/snack each week. Make plans to get to the grocery so you have what you need...and also the right stuff for your family. They can eat what you are eating.

Don't give up...you can do it....keep seeing your therapists....they will help get your mind set in the right place.

Rachel,

I had to make some big dietary changes when I was diagnosed with acid reflux. It had caused me breathing problems that were so frightening, and in the beginning, I had a hard time believing my doctor that there wasn't something more serious wrong with me ((now I'm back to some of that, as you know). But she inspired my trust, and I made a commitment to myself that I would not let myself eat even one thing on the taboo list if I could help it. I had to sit with myself for a long time just concentrating on that commitment before I really felt it rather than knowing it was something I "should" do. It helped so much.

In fact, once I gave myself permission to deviate and experiment a little with my diet, all the walls fell down, and now I'm grappling with the breathing stuff again to the point where it's hard to tell myself it's only reflux. I've got to get back on that wagon and stay away from the bad foods because they do me no good in the long run.

My experience is: commit to yourself that you're going to do exactly what your doctor says and don't give yourself permission to choose otherwise. I know that you are an incredibly strong woman, and you can do this. It honestly did work to get me started.

Love and prayers,
percycat

PS - Be ready for some withdrawal symptoms from caffeine. After about the 3-4th day, you may feel pretty lousy - maybe headaches, or grumpy, or hopeless. That will pass by the end of about 7-8 days altogether, or at least that's how it was for me.

Marthamae,
Hey, thanks for the support and advice. I know that I can do this. I just have to get started and do it. Thanks for believing in me. I am supposed to be seeing a nutritionist after I see this eating disorder specialist. Hopefully he or she can give me a good healthy diet plan that I and my family can follow. My husband wont eat healthy stuff so I have to cook "normal" for him. That's what makes it so hard. But I got that new cookbook, Deceptively Delicious so hopefully I can get him eating healthier. My son will eat mostly anything.
Kitt,
I know I can do this. I just have to put my mind to it. And I am going to switch to decaff. It is so bitter though. Maybe I can trick myself into thinking it's regular. The thing is, the caffine, it keeps me feeling full longer. I know it's not good to skip breakfast but I just drink coffee and then eat something around 12. I will need lots of support for the no caffine thing. It shouldn't be that big of a deal but I am just so scared of gaining weight. Thanks for the support.
Percycat,
It is going to be really hard for me but I'm gonna try my best to do this. The thing is, I know that the doctor wants me to gain weight. And that terrifies me. I just cant deal with it. Well, I guess I can, I just dont want to. It hurts alot more to feel fat than it does to not eat. I know that sounds crazy. Thanks for your support and advice.
Peacesoul,
I would take that drug if there was one. But that is so much easier than making huge life changes. I smoke too so I know I am really unhealthy. I just wont let myself stop smoking because I dont want to gain weight. Same goes for the coffee. I want to stop, but I'm afraid if I make all these changes that I will completely lose it. I will go insane. I guess I do have to start slowly, with the caffine. I did cut out all carbonated stuff a while ago so the coffee should be easy. SHould. I will do decaf in the a.m. But if it tastes too bad I may do half decaff half caffine. How does that sound? I am going to give it a chance though. Thanks for the support. I still feel weak and stuff but if I accomplish my goals then I know I will feel better.
Love to all!!
Rachel

Thanks Kitt,
Know that I am praying for you. And thanks for supporting me and believing in me. I need that. Love to you!!
Rachel

Hi Rachel,

I just wanted to say that I cut back on caffiene too. I put two scoops of regular and one scoop of decaff. I can't tell the difference in the taste. But since I have been doing that, I have been able to cut back on my xanax. So even a little helps with anxiety.

Best wishes, we miss you on depression forum.

Hugs, Karen...

I'm back from my birthday thingy. It went really good and I actually kinda talked about my eating disorder with my momma. Which I NEVER do. She didn't freak out on me or lecture me. Yeah, wow. And I told her about the specailist and she said she would go with me. So that's good news. I really do need her support on this, as much as I hate to admit it. She bought me two bookshelves from Target and the Amy Whinehouse CD plus a book and she took me out to eat. I had a really good time and lots of laughter.

Karen,
Thanks for your input. I'm glad to know that even cutting caffine in half can help the anxiety. And I will be back to the Depression Forum. I've been trying to catch up on here. Thanks for visiting me here! It means alot to me. Love to you!
Percycat,
I am so proud of me too. I really am. Now I just have to keep this going. I am really hoping that I can. And I hope that you can do the half and half thing with your tea. I have acid relfux too but coffee somehow doesn't give me heartburn. That is so weird huh? But good luck in changing your diet. I know how extremely hard it is to do. I still haven't done very good with that. I'm an extremist. It's either all or nothing. Not a good way to be with food. I hopefully am about to go to bed soon. I dont want to be too tired tommorow.
Also, I know that I say this all the time but I am totaly freaking out about my weight. I just want to weigh 100 and I know it's not healthy. I just dont feel like I can be happy until I hit that certain number. Yet I know that if I hit 100 it wont be skinny enough. I'll still want to weigh less. I just hope this specialist can give me some good advice. I am so scared that it wont work. It's kinda my last resort thing. And if it doesn't work, will I be like this forever? I cant imagine spending the rest of my life trying to be skinny. It is really so stupid compared to all the other things I should be putting my energy into. And even though I know that, I still cant make myself stop. And I know that most people think that eating disorders are about vanity but I dont feel vain. I hate myself. I dont think that is vanity. I just want to be so skinny that all you see is bones. I know that is so gross to everyone else. BUt that is what I want. All I have ever wanted of my body since I was about 7. That is so young to be feeling like this. I pray that my son and any other future kids of mine will never feel this way about themselves. But I know that I have to be a good example to them or they will mirror my actions and worries. I do not want this. That is my main reason for wanting to get better. For my son, and any other kids that may come in the future.
So, I dont really know where to go from here. I still feel like I shouldn't be wasting this specailists time. I know there are people out there who are actually dying and stuff from eating disorders. I know he's there to prevent and help that but I just dont think I'm even underweight. I cant even see my ribs anymore unless I put my arms over my head. So I need some support for all this. I cant do this alone and I know nobody else can do it for me. but I still need many prayers and much support and advice. Thanks for listening yall. I really love and appriciate everyone of you!!
Rachel

Rachel,

I am so glad you talk to your Momma and that you enjoyed the time out with her.  Doesn't it feel good to sit down with someone you are close to and be able to tell them how you really feel.

Good job on your fine start on  cutting back on the caffeine.  You are off on your journey to kicking the caffeine.

Keep it up as you are doing great  and your in a good mindset now.  Look at all the wonderful support you are receiving here.

Hugs
Kitt

Rachel,

Don't beat yourself up. Remember, it's not about whether you're a human cleaning machine; it's about whether you feel good about the quality of what you've done. Try not to set so many goals or even hopes for a day that you're setting yourself up to be disappointed (I do this too much). Just look at what you have done and ask, "Did I do this thing well? Am I happy about this one task?" Give yourself a chance to feel worthy, and don't let the "stinkin thinkin" drag you down to feeling worthless.

You're a good person, and a good mom, and you're human. You're doing the best you can, and some days, that's not as big a list of things as others. What matters is keeping up hope that you can succeed at things that you do tackle.

Love,
percycat