feeling nuts

I start my new job in the morning and I'm really feeling scared. I'm so afraid that I'm going to have a panic attack. And that scares the crap out of me. I'm still having the pains in my side. I go to the doctor on the 7th. For everything that is going on and to talk about my Anxiety and panic attacks.   I just don't know what to so sometimes, when I get these feelings like i'm shaking inside and that bugs are crawling all over me.   I just feel i'm going out of my mind. I try and think possitive and not let the things in my mind take over. but sometimes I just can't control them. So I just drive myself crazy.

I pray that someday I will be able to take control of all of this and beable to live a good and happy life. but, I know that I will always live with depression but i know i have to learn to really control it. but right now I just don't know what to do or how to control these feelings i'm feeling. So I just drive myself nuts, and beat myself up, and tell myself that i'm just a big failure and that i'm worthless. I just don't want to die. I really do want to die. I know taht I need to learn to deal with feelings. And, I can hear Jason telling me to put everyhting in the past in the past or let go of it. But it is there haunting me and it screams at me. I just don't how to deal with seeing and feeling my mother hold me down while my step father raped me. I don't know how to deal with calling my real father when I was 11 and hearing him tell me he didn't have any children, that the one child he did have drowned. Or the hateful words my mother threw in my face. Or hearing her tell me that she wished that I died instead of my sister. And that it was my fault that my sister died. I don't know how to deal with hearing the hateful words my ex husband threw at me or feeling the beats he hit me with. Or hearing my kids say they was going to live with their father. And, me knowing that he would not be a good father and let them go off and do what they wanted and no rules or anything. And, hearing my oldest daughter call me names and say it was my fault about everything her daddy did to me was my fault. One day I may come to deal with all of this. But, now I don't know how to. So I just bottle my feelings up. And not tell no one how I feel.

But here i sit pouring my heart and soul out. And knowing everyone that reads this is going to say ole that poor girl. I don't want to hear that. I just want to learn to deal with all of this and go on with my life without being judged or hearing just deal wiht it.

I just drive myself crazy and I just wish I would die

Dear Vel,

You, my sweet lady, are in need of therapy and until you get to the Doctors on the 7th please stop the "stinkin thinkin" 

Don't indulge in stinkin thinking, "Why can't I be normal ? Why does this have to happen to me?" Just accept what is happening to you. If you do this, what you fear most will not happen.

Crisis Help Line | For Any Kind of Crisis 800-233-4357 

NDMDA Depression Hotline | Support Group. 800-826-3632

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to......

I am praying your new job is working out well.

Gentle Hugs
Kitt

happyvel,

Hello and hope you are having a good day.  How did your first day on the new job go?

We are all here for you so post when your up to it.

Hugs
Kitt