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Posted 10/7/2008 12:46 PM (GMT 0)
I caught an episode of Everyone Loves Raymond the other day where Ray and his wife were having a disagreement and his wife said to him "Ray, I just think you're happy being miserable. You don't know how to be comfortable with being happy"


And bang, the light went off. That's me. I grew up in a very loving/caring home but in a home where negativity and misery were the menu of the day. I was taught how to deal with my emotions and situations only with negativity.

Here I am today, 42 yrs old and though I am struggling with some issues, just don't know HOW to be happy. I've been too busy being miserable.


This ultimatly lead to this anxiety, depression and yes even my lupus. My mind has been given nothing but negative feedback to by entire body, it's no wonder I'm not well. Toxic thoughts products a toxic effect.

discuss

Posted 10/7/2008 8:40 PM (GMT 0)
Yeah - that hits home - growing up with people over-reacting about everything - everything is a big drama event - screw the world.  I've been working so hard at NOT being that.  I think i've decreased the drama factor by 75%, but still let the littlest things upset me when I should just let them go.  Or jump to overreacting instead of thinking - gee, what a concept. 

Emotions do affect our bodies - and if the bad emotions do bad things, then imagine what the good ones do.  One day i'll find that one out!  tongue

Posted 10/7/2008 9:28 PM (GMT 0)
I have bad emotions and I
get the brunt of them and the what for's for having them
BUT I am also able to find the
GOOD emotions and I revele in each one

I hpe you do as well and SOON............LYN
Posted 10/7/2008 9:29 PM (GMT 0)
There is that Saying



"Misery Loves Company"

Ya got to get out of the neg thoughts and look at the good things happening no matter how small the step
Posted 10/7/2008 11:25 PM (GMT 0)

Hey,

Good topic.  I do understand that some people like to be miserable but it serves no purpose other then to keep them  in the dark hole while the good things in life pass them  by.

I have had many past negativity brought on by the way I was raised too.  It was more my stepmother telling me I was not a good person and I was stupid.  I tried so hard to please her.  I finally worked through that in therapy and now I don't constantly think about it in my head.  It is history.

I also went through many losses of loved ones, my son's death being the worse thing I have ever had to endure but I made it through that.

I celebrate his life now and push the negative thoughts away.  No more "Why me" as I will never know so now I practice very hard to stay in the moment.

Life is tough but you can make it better by knowing yourself and loving yourself.

To all, never give up.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Kitt

Posted 10/7/2008 11:54 PM (GMT 0)
Peacesoul... I know what you mean.. I grew up in a very toxic environment... then moved on to a very abusive marriage.... I finally figured out after being away from it all for 12 years... that I have no idea what 'normal ' is. I don't know how to react normally to things... I have to watch other people and see how they behave... I remember very clearly doing the same thing when I was young....But what I've also figured out is that... if you 'fake' being happy long enough your brain will eventually clue in.... Every day I make a point of going out on my scooter for fresh air( I can't walk).. no matter how bad I feel or how awful my night has been... I make a point of smiling at everyone I meet... I make a point of talking to people... telling someone I like the color of their sweater or their earrings... I ask everyone if I can pet their dog.. look at their babies... In the last 12 years I've grown to know and love half our little town.... I may start the day being miserable but by the time I've talked to a few people or gotten a few smiles back... I'm usually feeling better.
dear peacesoul.... you do have a choice. ... being happy has nothing to do with circumstances and everything to do with attitude.
Baby steps... that's what you start with... I remember picking one lady that I particularly disliked because she was always so cross... and so negative about everything... she was a beautiful woman but her demeanor was so sour that everyone shunned her including me. I finally decided , while standing in line for coffee one day.... to compliment her. I told her .. " everytime I see you always look so lovely" which was absolutely true.... looked her straight in the eye and tried my very best to be genuine... the suprised look on her face almost made me cry... it took her a minute...but she finally responded with .. do you really think so... I said yes... you always look so pretty... she gave me the biggest smile and has been smiling and talking to me ever since. I think she may be an abused housewife( just my gut feeling) .... but I know I made a difference in her life that day... and that made me feel good about myself... plus it taught me not to judge... (which is something I struggle with and have to make a conscious decision not to do)
The other thing is to surround yourself with positive people. I've had to 'let go' of some of my friends that 'sucked the life out of me' , who were always negative... it is contagious...
You are a strong woman... you've survived a lot ... and you've made a good life for yourself. Now , I think its time you learn how to enjoy it....
maybe start a gratitude journal... I know its sounds corny but it works. at first you may only find one thing in your day that you are actually grateful for... but soon it will become a habit... you will notice more and more... and a grateful life is a happy life...
I've been rambling on long enough... please email me anytime you need to... I truly want to help.
This world is difficult , our hurts are so deep sometimes that they overcast all the good in our lives...
Please accept my friendship...
Healing thoughts and prayers sent to you dear one.!
Mary
Posted 10/8/2008 4:13 AM (GMT 0)

Hey peacesoul,

I can relate to that. My sister used to walk around with a pencil clamped between her teeth to make her smile. She swears it got her endorphins up. Wierd but (possibly) true. I try and make sure I stay grateful for what I have. I wake and go oh chit, another day to get through and then remember I have two legs that work and people that love me.

I grew up with an abusive father and we did not show any emotion around him. I learnt to supress everything. Even joy. I'm trying to make up for the missing years now.. turn

Hope you find your happiness.

Meg

Posted 10/8/2008 4:49 AM (GMT 0)
Yeah I can relate. My anxiety and depression started when I was in the 5th grade, and it slowly built up to a chaotic mess. In high school I had some health issues, which was weird because usually I'm a pretty healthy person. I remember learning in health class that stress can cause some physical effects on the body. I guess that can go with anxiety too.

Things have gotten a bit better, where I can deal with it now, but it's like, that's not good enough...I know there's more out there, and that we all have potential to reach it, but I just don't know how to reach it. I don't want to live life feeling 'good enough.' I want to feel the best I can be...it's just, I've had such a negative attitude for such a long time that whenever I try to think positive, my mind automatically shuts it down, claiming it unrealistic. It's scary how anxiety and negativity can take control of you.

What's helped me deal with this is writing, I love writing, have wanted to be a writer since the 3rd grade, I write poetry and songs to leave those thoughts. I love writing so much, it's my favorite thing to do. You have to find that one thing you're most passionate about and whenever you feel this way, do it right then, and then soon the thoughts will go away. And if you don't know what you're passionate about, then you can explore everything, from stuff you've always wanted to do to stuff you thought you'd never try. By doing that you'll forget all that's bothering you because your mind will be occupied on something else.

Finding peace and happiness is like an uphill battle, feeling nearly impossible, but they say that the best things in life are the hardest to achieve. It's through our efforts and struggles while continuing to move forward despite all of the issues bothering us that make us strong. I believe everyone has the power to achieve this peace and happiness, some just have to work harder for it. But the ones who work hardest for it enjoy it the most when reached.

I believe in you, you have the power to move forward and find what you've been searching for. If you ever need anything, feel free to send me a message. <3
Posted 10/9/2008 12:30 AM (GMT 0)
Peacesoul,

Great thread! I have to fight the negative tendencies of my own, but where it really gets hard is at work. I have 1-2 colleagues who just seem to live for being negative, looking for the worst in every situation, turning someone's good news into something low - it really takes the joy and ability to perform well right out of the job sometimes. And it's such a contagious little habit, too - with my own bad habits, and that environment, oftentimes I don't even notice the genuine lowering of energy around the workplace until it's already affected things in a noticeable way.

Definitely a big one for me to work at! Thanks!

percycat
Posted 10/9/2008 1:05 PM (GMT 0)
Do you guys ever think that being miserable for so long, we forget what it feels like to be happy. We don't know what happy even is until we experience it? Then I feel guilty for being happy like I have done something wrong. I think we are programmed to feel the way that we do.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/9/2008 5:27 PM (GMT 0)
Karen--that's exactly how I feel. Like, about feeling guilty that you're happy, or not remembering what it's like. Sometimes when I start to actually feel happiness or peacefulness something will come into my head, like "Oh you shouldn't be feeling this way, there's people dying in third world countries and you're laughing like it's no big deal" and then that brings me down again. But then it's like, if all these other people are laughing and smiling, then I deserve to be happy too...it's this big mind battle going on inside of me.

There's this quote I found too somewhere from Charlie Brown, goes along something like this--"I'm afraid to be too happy, because whenever I get happy, something bad always happens" I can relate, because it does seem that when I finally get happy, it gets taken away from me.
Posted 10/9/2008 6:17 PM (GMT 0)
Had someone told me once that I just appeared to be a sad person - And this person sees me in situations where I know I am happy.  that really depressed me.  So now I work at being more happy in my physical and emotional state.  Don't want to be known as sad.  I think its from an abusive relationship I had - wasn't allowed my emotions...so I learned to mask them really well.  Got in trouble if I appeared sad, got in trouble if I looked happy cuz "WTH was I smiling about".  Yup, that'll train a girl pretty good. 

Have to retrain myself. 

Cuz I have a lot to be happy about now. 

Posted 10/9/2008 8:41 PM (GMT 0)

RAEA,

I learned how to play the happy carefree and always loved a party person throughout my career.  In the end I felt so afraid and insecure at parties that my hands shook so I turned down drinks, snackies.  My stomach churned and I want to run away. I felt so sad that the tears would be close to the brink and I would have to rein in hard as no one new the sad me.

When I resigned my position and told my staff the truth they laughed and siad "You, no way, you joking"  Finally they believed me.  I lost all my social life in one swell swoop.

Now I am isolated and don't know what to do.  I have tried many things but some days just getting out of the house causes the anxiety to sky rocket so I am a work in progress.

Well that is me,  I am human and some days very sad but I will keep on marching on.

Bless each of you.

Hugs
Kitt

Posted 10/9/2008 8:53 PM (GMT 0)
Kitt,

I can't tell you how many times I've heard people tell me that they think I'm such a strong person - which blows my mind - I feel like a pile of goo - feel the things you described in the above post.  Just feel like you are about to explode holding all that in -that the tears are going to come out my ears if I don't let them come out my eyes!  But there is cool calm collected me on the outside - probably why I don't look exhuberantly happy most of the time - I'm exhausted.  ITS SO EXHAUSTING!!!  I do that shell thing every day at work, social situations, and even sometimes performing my music (tho TG it finally breaks thru while I'm singing). 

I hate the fact that we don't feel allowed to have emotions - I know I've harped on this before - but its been my life long pet peeve. 

And then there is the added factor of just plain not wanting to feel sad - so I'll even put on the "face" for even me and my husband.  And that is just weird.  Therapeutic in a way - its more fun being happy and I don't like to waste my home time being sad.  I have so prescious few moments for joy, I forget that its good to emote the bad stuff out too. 

Oh Laudy.  No answers - survival dictates us doing this shell thingy if we want to survive our bills and demands of life.  Just makes me feel trapped in my shell behind my "face" - and its getting claustrophobic in here.  cry :-)

"Gray skies are gonna clear up!!  Put on a happy face!!!!" smilewinkgrin

Grr. - Neutral Raea

Posted 10/10/2008 12:54 AM (GMT 0)
More,

It use to be when I would be happy, I would get this panicy feeling inside. It was like a punishment for having a good time. I am getting better now though. But I do the same happy face thing, it comes natural to me. If anybody asks me how I am I always say that I am good.

Raea, I am sorry for what you went through. It must have been hard stiffling your emotions all of the time. I also learned to keep my mouth shut. I wasn't allowed to be happy or sad. That is really sad now that I think of it. I am glad that is over with. I am happy now for real.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 10/10/2008 3:15 PM (GMT 0)
On the up side - they like fake emotionless employees don't they?
ONly way to survive the job world - "fake it till you make it".
Posted 10/10/2008 3:42 PM (GMT 0)

Well  we could all paint big happy smiles on our face............ we could all look like Ronald Mc Donald.

I know what you mean Raea, I canot tell you how many times I heard," Kitt can do it she is strong and always gets the job done on time." What can you say to that......No I am not and I don't want that project. devil

Your right, the companies don't want sad people around after all we are the PR persons representing our business, we need to look happy and greet everyone with big smiles while inside we are being buried in feelings of sadness.

I took early retirement and started using my pension to live on.  Now the market is in a huge slide..................Oh well, I will survive.

To all, we are not losers  and we will allow oursleves to feel.

Hugs
Kitt

Posted 10/10/2008 8:53 PM (GMT 0)
You are right Kitt, I think we have the right, be it happy or sad. I got sad today over my nephew dieing about three weeks ago. I allowed myself to cry on the way home and I felt much better afterwards. I think it is important to feel even if it is sad. It is a part of who we are.

Yeah, that Ronald McDonald face would work. LOL... You know that I have never liked clowns, and I don't know why. I also don't know why that came to my mind. Kind of loopy today I guess.

Have a great day,

Hugs,, karen
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