Sorry to bother you all again with mental trouble :(

Hi all, I'm real sorry I keep pestering you but I feel like... if I don't start getting myself fixed up I'm going to be doomed forever. I'd like to share a part of my journal with you all and see if it looks like I'm going crazy or not Ahem... here we are...

"2:40pm... I think it was about 36 hours since I had last
showered... yeah about that, so therefore I got
showered/washed. I may have to start getting washed
everyday because I'm making myself crazy in regards
to how many hours was it since I last got washed
when, here, now, and so on etc... it does drive me
insane. I am feeling blank minded and confused, I feel
I can have lots of fun doing things but I'm not doing
them properly and as I already wrote in the journal I
just noticed, everything has to be rushed... I'm more
impatient and irritated than usual, realizing my faults
even more than ever, I am very concerned and
confused about my mental well being at this point. I
just don't know what to do, and my DREAMS are out of
this world, too much stupid CRAP... I can't afford to be
caught off guard, I am no longer comfortable in things I
do because I usually narrated what I did and now I
can't really put it into words orally or in the computer
like I used to... and I realized another reason I could
be feeling overwhelmed is because currently I'm
involved in a lot of games which are... Neopets *also
REBUILDING the account which is emotionally tough
but I'm doing it*, Final Fantasy Tactics on the PSP
which is a surprise that I'm doing but I am because I
love FFT, Heroes of Might and Magic III that I've been
doing almost for 2 whole months now, uhh... oh yes
and of course SHINING FORCE II which is such a blast
from the past, having to organize my troops, the new
promotion system and all this crap it makes me just a
bit... crappy feeling like things are expected of me by
MYSELF and I can't overcome them... when I DO it
right, I just don't do it correctly... I feel stupid,
worthless and pitiful and I wouldn't survive a day out
in the real world alone. It's like the Zoloft is really
breaking down on my depression which is great, but
my ANXIETY is higher than usual, heart palpitations,
nervousness, fear something is going to go wrong, hot
flashes/sweatiness, and BAD headaches... and of
course horrible memory. Man... I don't know what to
do."

Well... just thought I'd share a little bit with you all, I don't know what it'll do or what... dam just made a typo, see what I mean I'm doing terrible I'm horrible... uhh... there's so much I have to say too... I just can't get it out... I feel so ... wrong.

Hmm... I've played video games for years, years and years... it's brought me happiness, I don't use games to escape... I don't do well in real life however. The games are a challenge to me even though I've played them before and I know I do them too much but the fact is that's what makes me happy... but I want to know why I'm not doing them as well as I used to, or anything good in that matter... jeez I don't know anymore, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and there's no medicine for what I have... I went outside today and suffered a brutal headache, had to take a rest too... I read the funny papers as well... and tv well... those things make me feel insecure because I feel stupid :( so you see... the things I do for happiness or new things or whatever it is... I feel too much of a loser either way. No I live with my mother, I am self sufficient/efficient in taking care of myself... just I got problems/issues... I can't win this battle.

Paulos,

 

 

   I feel the pain, I know what it is like to feel so alone, different and yes sometimes stupid, but just keep in mind

that the negative things  you say to yourself are only going to make things worse. Just curious which meds are you on and if

you have any family, or friends to talk too. I know for me, feeling isolated makes me feel awful.   taking joy in those lil things like

a video game or movie shows you that you are not completely in the dark - as far the heart palps, I hate those.......

so I know... hope things get better until then feel free to chat wit me or anyone else.

 

 

Paul,

Thank you for trusting us enough to share your journal. It sounds really familiar to me, both from my own days being depressed, and from trying to help some of my friends through their depression. The note really caring about bathing - but not letting it go too long either - feeling like you don't derive pleasure from things you used to, or feeling that you could do so many things that might feel better or make you feel worthwhile - and then just somehow not being able to come up with the energy to do them.

You say you feel the Zoloft is working well for your depression but not anxiety, and I know you've tried very hard to limit you use of medications. What does your doctor say about them?

I don't think you're a loser; I think you're stuck in that awful, low place that depression drags us into - and anxiety just compounds the problem. I wonder if choosing a small goal for yourself would help. When you were first working to cut out drinking, you had something concrete to focus on, and work toward, and while it was hard, you could also count up each day as a success in beating it. Is there a new goal - even a very little one - that you could take on, that would help you have that daily reminder that you can succeed at things, and that you are strong and successful?

Love,
percycat

Paul
Everyone has said it
YOU are not a bad person and no you are not going crazy
YOU would not know it if you were actually

YOU have made alot of progress

Count the steps you have taken not the ones you feel you will never make cuz you will do it my friend

.....LYN

Of what my friend?

Post Edited (Buddha443556) : 10/15/2008 5:19:51 PM (GMT-6)

Good Morning Paul,

Did you kick the "scared feelings" to the curb.  I understand scared.  Everytime I start to slide backwards I get "scared" that I will not have the strength to climb back up.

You make sure you talk very seriously with your Doc today re your fears and all you negative thoughts.  We have to get you on the high road my friend.

WE care for you so march into the Doctors and say it like it is...........Hey if you break in his office that is ok too.

Hugs to you my friend

Kitt

Hey Paul,

We are waiting to here from you today so let us know your ok after you Doctors apointment.

Hugs
Kitt

BUMP!!

Paulos you ok?