Posted 1/25/2009 5:31 AM (GMT 0)
It is relieving (and heartbreaking) to know there are people out there with the same problems I have...
I was almost crying as I read some of the posts from you all. :(
Here's my story...
I developed a severe phobia of vomit when I was four years old, after getting into children's vitamins, cough syrup, and butter in the middle of the night (I remember that night so clearly!). My mother found me in bed with "vitamin breath," and called the poison control center. They told her to give me ipecac (which makes you throw up your guts!) to clear out my stomach, because she was not sure of how much I consumed. I was violently ill for the next two days. It was the most traumatizing time of my life.
Sometimes when I think about it, the memory is so vivid that I can actually hear the sound of the liquid coming up.... oh God... *self-slap* Why do I do that?
Today, the memory still haunts me, and it is terrifying. I haven't thrown up since then, knock on wood (and thank you God!), but the fear of getting sick has literally robbed me of my joy, my happiness, and my ability to feel safe.
As a child growing up, I didn't know I had anxiety. All I knew was that I felt nauseous at school, in restaurants, and when I was in large groups of people. I later learned that I had a social anxiety disorder, and my anxiety made me feel nauseous. Go figure! The vomit phobia caused me to freak out whenever I felt anxious/nauseous, which made me feel even worse! Once I reached middle school, my anxiety became so severe that I started to have panic attacks during classes, and especially in the hallways where all the people were. I soon dreaded school and the general public, and refused to leave the house.
After a few months of calling home everyday to have my mom rescue me from school, she decided to home-school me, and get me into therapy as well. The docs put me on Paxil, which made me nauseous all the time, so I switched over to Prozac. I took that for four years or so, until I thought I was ready to go off.
I finally went off the Prozac during my Sophomore year of High School, which was also when the panic attacks were under control. The therapy helped a lot!
Now, at age 20, my anxiety seems to be coming back again... probably because I'm so stressed over college. I have always worried about getting sick every day, but now the fear is absolutely ridiculous. I can't eat a single meal or snack without thinking about it. I can feel the panic attacks trying to come back... my heart will just start to race randomly throughout the day, making me feel as if I need to run away, or take a few Tum's (which have been my best friend for years! They are probably the only thing that can calm me down). I stress myself out so much that I now have issues with my bowels, as well as insomnia.
I can't help but feel like I'm "overdue" to be sick, since I haven't thrown up in so long... but I know that's a silly thought.
I've always been naturally thin, but now my family is worried that I am getting too thin. I can't help it. Honestly, some days, I'm just afraid to eat anything.
For example, on a really bad anxiety day, I'll have a small bowl of Raisin Bran, a multivitamin, soup, a cup of yogurt, and a few light snacks (like mixed nuts, fruit, or a bagel) throughout the day (and I check expiration dates on EVERYTHING!) I eat when I'm hungry, but I never eat enough to feel full. I just figure that IF I'm going to be sick, I would rather throw up just a little bit of food, instead of some huge meal (yet, another silly thought).
I know this fear is irrational, and is completely ridiculous. I know that vomiting is just a natural bodily function, but I just can't seem to get over the fear. If I know that someone is sick, or has been around a sick person, I avoid that person. I carry hand sanitizer everywhere I go, and I'm extremely choosy of the types of food I eat, when I eat them, where I eat them, and what other foods I eat along with them. It's a never-ending thing.
Also, if my mom happens to arrange our living room furniture a certain way (like how it was when I was four), I freak out, and tell her to move everything back. This has happened a few times.
I hate living with this stupid phobia. I look back on my life and realize it has always been here... I just want to be "normal," whatever that is. Haha.
And no, that doesn't mean that I want to "face my fear," throw up, and get it over with. Nooo way!!!
Why hasn't anyone invented the memory eraser yet? Hmm?
Anyway, I apologize for the length of this post... it's just so nice to open up about everything and not feel like a complete loony about it!
Thank you all, for sharing your experiences. This has really helped me.