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Posted 12/13/2008 1:06 AM (GMT 0)
Im venturing out into the city tonight- its been weighing on my nerves big time- agoraphobia, anticaptory anxiety etc etc. i have to get through this, but i also want to ENJOY this like most people do. i havent slept properly in 3 days cos im agitated.

so if you believe in prayer or can just give me some positive thoughts to focus on, that would be great! im still sick with sinusitis and have a fever, but im not pulling out of tonight, its too important. tomorrow i have an end of year staff function at the races, about 15mins from home, so im ok with that.

i hate to be weak, but just help me focus on the good stuff. thankyou HW family- it sounds like such a petty, trivial problem and i feel lame needing help with it, but i do need help. im sorry. im telling myself its all good, my nerves are not listening shakehead

Maz XX

p.s i will take some extra Xanax with me (i have 4 spare tablets, as i only get a weeks worth at a time from the chemist.) if it gets bad, i will take a spare one. id rather not, though, id rather get through it myself.

Posted 12/13/2008 1:23 AM (GMT 0)

Maz,

Honey, I believe in you. I know you can do this. You are a brave and beautiful woman and once you get out there you know you will have fun so stare that anticipatory anxiety in the face and tell it to shove off.  devil  

I will say a prayer and send you some shining light my dear. Best of luck and know you HW family is right behind you.

Hugs, Meg

Posted 12/13/2008 2:35 AM (GMT 0)
Good luck and have lots of fun tonight Maz :)
Posted 12/13/2008 2:48 AM (GMT 0)

Maz,

I am sitting here wishing I could be out with you.  It would be comfortable being with others who just know i have issues and would understand if I started to feel a bit anxious.

I am picturing you having a good time with all these funny little angels  on you shoulders.

Love ya

Kitt

Posted 12/13/2008 2:59 AM (GMT 0)
I posted something similar on the crohns board once and people told me to picture all of us at HW lining the road cheerleading w/ pom poms. I am sending you cheer.

And you hit the nail on the head on something I had to really work out with my therapist. What upsets me the most about crohns (and its anxiety) is that even if I do things and act normal I am not enjoying it. I am just trying to get through it and can't wait for it to be over. It is after that I can think, hmm, that was fun, I'd like to do it again when I'm feeling well.
Posted 12/13/2008 3:15 AM (GMT 0)
Maz
I have the utmost faith in you
You do have my support and luvs
As well as tons of Prayers coming your way....Luvs....Lyn S.I C. ( Sis in Christ)

I like the idea in yourt post and what it said Fitky
'It is great having you here too .........

Luvs
LYN
Posted 12/13/2008 3:24 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Lyn - I'm starting to realize more and more that I do have some anxiety issues - it may be due to the crohns but none the less it is part of my life and there is some good advice here.
Posted 12/13/2008 3:30 AM (GMT 0)
Fittzy

I believe most with Chronic illnesses live in the anxiety world too
They just dont sometimes feel that they may have Anxiety or depression
I really beliee it goes hand in hand

I know it is from my crohns ....the Pyoderma and the fibro............

YES there is great info on here and I hope to see you more

Luvs
LYN
Posted 12/13/2008 4:56 AM (GMT 0)

thankyou ALL so much. im still packing it- edgy, restless, nervy, anxious- stomach in knots, panic pushing at the edges- but i will take fitzy's suggestion and visualise you all with me if things get  too much. we have visitors at the moment, i barely ate cos im not looking forward to tonight, even though i KNOW i should be.

maybe take my xanax earlier? i feel trembly all over.

Posted 12/13/2008 5:17 AM (GMT 0)
Holy crap Maz - I just looked at your list of diseases - no wonder you feel overwhelmed often. You have a LOT on your plate!!!! You can do this!!! You are just remembering a few bad times. Think about the good! I bet there have been more goods than bads. And my old time favorite - what is the realistic worst that can happen? You might feel crappy and scared and we all hate feeling crappy and scared - but you WILL make it! And if you get overwhelmed just tell your friends you are going outside for a bit, you don't mind being alone, and you will be back when you feel better!
Posted 12/13/2008 6:03 AM (GMT 0)

Fitzky, thankyou, your words have helped already, im leaving in 2hrs and although im still nervous as hell, im trying to positive self-talk. and yes, as you noticed, i am plagued with multiple chronic illnesses (physical) that leave me wiped after a full week of teaching angry teenagers.

the thing is, i dont want just simply survive the night, i want to RELISH every bit of the good company, great food, beautiful view of the Sydney harbour- you are right- what is the worst thing that can happen? ive been fighting A/P since the age of 10, you would think i would have it totally under control right now, but i dont. its managed, but it never goes away and the anticapatory anxiety is a killer when you are agoraphobic.

im not usually a drama queen, or overly wound up, but i DO currently feel snowed under, like im choking on fear. all i want to do is climb in my bed and watch bad reality tv and eat chocolate.

I bought a new dress and shoes for tonight, im hoping that if i 'look good' that i may subconciously 'feel' good. im a tomboy, but tonight im bringing on the dress, baby!

thakyou ALL  so much from the depths of my world weary soul... your words, prayers and thoughts are helping me in ways i cant explain.

You lot deserve a knight-hood for kindness and patience. i love my HW family.

Maz XX

p.s Lyn, keep the prayers coming!! XX


Posted 12/13/2008 6:54 AM (GMT 0)
When you go out sit in such a way that you have an out - don't take the inside of an aisle or booth. Sit with close proximity to the door. Tell your pals that you will just feel more comfortable this way. I have had bad anxiety before in the middle of a resturant. I hate when they seat you at a table in the middle. I don't know why. Now I just say "I'm sorry, I'm more comfortable on the outsides" and have the waitress move me. No one seems to mind.

And I totally understand you wanting to ENJOY your night not just SURVIVE. I hear you loud and clear. But set your goals low (survival) and you might just pleasantly surprise yourself. Have those excuses in your head and your exit route planned just so you feel like you have an out. That might be enough to calm you down so you can enjoy. It is when I am "trapped" that I decide I have to leave "now." Feeling less trapped = less anxiety.
Posted 12/13/2008 3:24 PM (GMT 0)

Maz, did you see me in my cheer leading outfit , I had a heck of a time finding my pom, poms........I was there lining the road and cheering on the beautiful lady on her way to her night out.  How stunning you looked.

I also said prayers and did my French/Norwegian sun dance.  Anyone lucky enough to have you for a friend is blessed.

Gentle hugs my friend
Kitt


Posted 12/13/2008 4:59 PM (GMT 0)
Maz.... I'm in that line too.... I'll even take my teeth out if it'll make you laugh and relax.... just watch for the big woman... round face... toothless grin.... waving to beat 60!!!!! I'll wear a big bright red jacket with reindeer ears( seeing that this IS xmas) so you'll be sure not to miss me. !

Now when you get anxious... just picture me ... it'll put a smile on your face... plus... Fitzy 's ( great to see you here Fitz, dear Fitz... I've missed you)... idea of sitting near the aisle...near the door is a great suggestion... that is what I have to do when I go anywhere where there will be crowds... I plan my escape route the minute I get there.... I do go out for fresh air and deep breathing often.

You'll be ok... the important thing is that you will get thru.it.. and with all these good thoughts and prayers at your side, you are bound to have a great time.
Love you dear Maz!
Ps. got your email.... You are amazing and beautiful... !!!!
Tired and toothless Mary
Posted 12/13/2008 6:02 PM (GMT 0)
Let us know how it went!! Can't wait to hear.
Posted 12/13/2008 8:39 PM (GMT 0)

COMPLETE AND UTTER SUCCESS!!!!!!!! yeah

not ONCE did i have an anxious moment. i relished every second, had SO much fun. i stopped and thought about the fact that i felt GREAT and couldnt believe i had worked myself into a state about something that was so much fun. Old Maz came back- the extrovert party girl let loose and had a BLAST.

thankyou so much, ALL of you, but Fitz, Mary, Kitt, Nikki- you guys are fabulous.

the way i felt last night, i have not felt that GOOD in years. i didnt want the night to be over (although my broken body was screaming for bed, lol) i just lived in the moment and felt nothing other than NORMAL, loved, fun. my friends made it really clear how important it was to them that i was there... they made me feel so special and wanted and needed- they also told me how proud they were that i work full time with tough teens when i am so physically sick- they remember what i was like at my sickest (chronic fatigue- disability pension at age 20) and they cant believe how ive bounced back and they just heaped on the praise for being so 'strong, passionate, determined.' it made me want to cry, warm gooey tears.

the food was sensational- Italian. i usually dont eat much at restaurants because if i feel full, then i panic about vomiting etc, but last night i got stuck in with gusto. even though im overweight, i felt pretty last night- new dress, shoes, hair, manicure- cos my friends are so skinny and perfect, im always aware that my meds made me bigger, but last night, i did NOT feel self concious, i felt PRETTY and special. and when i was paid a compliment, i took it, rather than saying 'no- im fat'.

thankyou ALL, each and every one of you who responded to my post- your positive thoughts, comments, advice and prayers are a huge part of my 'night of success'. you each made it just a little bit easier with your kind words. i CANNOT thank you enough.

its 6am here and ive had maybe 2hrs sleep, but i wanted to jump on and share with you guys just how amazing my night was.

im grateful beyond words. Maz XX yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Posted 12/13/2008 8:42 PM (GMT 0)
I'm glad you went out and did it Maz :) You should be really proud of yourself :)

Congrats, and many more good times for ya :)
Posted 12/14/2008 4:57 AM (GMT 0)
YAY YAY YAY!!! I am so happy!! We were cheering for you! By the way, I have also worked with tough teenagers. I worked in a community program for kids on probation and then as a juvenile corrections officer for awhile. It is a tough but rewarding job.
Posted 12/14/2008 5:31 AM (GMT 0)
Cheers Maz, so happy for you !!!
Keep on keepin on ...you are a shining light!!
all my best wishes all the time for you girl !!
Take care, Annie
Posted 12/14/2008 6:16 AM (GMT 0)
Ps: now you have another success to look back on when deciding if you can handle a future trip!
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