haunted by the past... what should i do?

I used to have a chronic dissociative disorder, ive never been better and fully recovered and its been almost 2years, i suffered for just over two years. I have also been single for the last 2yrs of my great health, however before when i wasnt so great, i was in a relationship with a very abusive man not to mention my sever mental state at the time. It has been a very hard road back to recovery, and iam gratefull for every day i have not feeling the hell that i did. however now, i realise that i cant get involved with a guy without triggering how i felt before and somewhat feeling that state that i did. I hate it becasue i know im better and i want to move on and forget the past, because forgetting helps to be in the present. But i simply cant, i think of how it was and it literally gives me headaches and i start focusing on how i felt before which only makes things worse. So i push every guy away. Thing is im gratefull for the life i have and being given the opportunity and guidance to recover so i should just be happy with being on my own and raising my son, at least i dont have to deal with the uncomfortableness of it i just dont want to go back there, its worse than anything u could imagine, ive been through it all, going to court over custody, having panic attacks everyday, having some kind of ocd thing for the last 6months and each one of these on its own has been hell, but nothing compares to dissociation. NOTHING. and so should i just be happy and gratefull to live my life on my own with my good health? well its not perfact but when u compare it pretty much is. at least i know its safe. deep down, one day i would love to be passionatly in love with someone but id rather have my sanity to be honest. Im just in a sticky situation coz the guy ive been seeing lives next door, so im always anxious. i just wish this situation would go away coz i was doing just fine on my own untill he came along!

Hi Emz84 :)

Nice to meet you and welcome to the A/P forum. It seems like you are going through a lot of issues and my first response would be are you doing something with your doc and/or therapist? Deep issues need to be dealt with professionally. The only advice I can give you is to keep you chin up and try to think positive about things. When it comes to relationships there are no set standards because everyone is different. You need to follow what you feel in you heart to deal with this :)

I wish you the best of luck and please have a Happy Holiday Season!

Emz,

Percy has a good point re this person living next door. I would talk this over with your therapist if you still have one.

I feel like you must have some PTSD sx from your abusive relationship in the past and I would like to suggest that you attempt to deal with those head on and that is where a professional could guide you.

Relationships take a lot of time and energy to maintain. Go very slow and do not  push yourself into something you feel you should do. You may feel lonely at the time, but it's not smart to fill that loneliness with another man right away.  REading back over your post you need to make sure you are healed and if you do date, keep it casual until your sure you are comfortable.

My heart goes out to you but I am so glad you have come so very far.

Merry Christmas

Kitt

I am going to share a saying I saw once that might be of help to you. It is "You can't move forward if you are constantly looking in the rearview mirror". I don't know why but that has stayed with me since I first saw it, and when I worry about old things, I remember that saying again. Hope that helps.