Job Hunting Stress

Okay, so I'm posting my own crazy anxious thoughts, but besides anyone who wants to respond to my post, please if there are members out there who are also stressing about looking for work, please feel free to chime in with your own worries/strategies/conquests. :)

I've known for a while that I'm losing my job, but my boss has been avoiding me all day & I think today's the day they make it formal. I am really stressed b/c I have so many bills that I am behind on. It is hard to stay focused on the job hunting. I don't like saying all those "mushy, gushy" things about myself & I end up having nightmares in the middle of the night about getting turned down for jobs or getting told off by my boss or getting harassed by creditors (which hasn't even started happening yet, but I worry).

I am trying to stay positive, believing that this is the opportunity to find something even more amazing and wonderful, but it is hard to keep thinking like that when I am consumed with worry. One blessing I do have is that I found a food pantry so I don't have to worry about blacking out again from low bp. So that's good. :) But I can't afford my meds & there is no help for that. I have no credit left so I really am getting pretty stressed. I've tried to find out if there are any free coupons or samples, or even research studies that I could turn to in order to get more of my medication, but no dice. :( I guess my main issue is sleep. I know from the past that the longer I don't sleep, the less I am able to sleep (I know that sounds backwards, but something to do with genetics). I'm really worried that I could end up going totally crazy again. The last time I was at the point of a psychotic break & the hospital was able to help me out, but now they make you pay ahead of time (at time of admission) and since I don't have any money that's not even an option.

Oh, man!!! I am going to try some temp agencies now to see if I can't find at least some work to hold me over. Things are just really hard right now.

Kitt,
Thanks for the advice. I may take you up on the advice to flee the country. ;)

I have already checked with prescription assistance programs & my doc asked the rep for samples, coupons, anything, but no dice. I am in over my head on my nightmare mortgage but my mortgage company won't let me out of the mortgage contract. I'm trying again with sad letters & a petition to do a Deed in Lieu, but last time they even turned me down for that. My one medication, with insurance, costs $240/month. The Lunesta, which I really need right now b/c I am not doing well without sleeping will run me $360 & the only way my insurance will let me fill it is to get a 90 day supply. I am trying to get another insurance & don't want to cancel the one I have right now until I do b/c I have a serious pre-existing condition that I can't afford to have excluded.

I have been trying for 2 months to find a way to pay for my prescription. It is just no good. My doc is considering dropping the dose b/c I've lost so much weight, but I just don't think I can handle that. I know he's just got my best in mind, but I'm really having a hard time when I don't get the full dose I normally get. It takes an insane amount of energy to job hunt & I just don't have it in me without the meds. I end up in tears & bent over from the pain and I'm pretty sure that won't impress any headhunters. I just want to run & hide until things get better but I know from experience that only makes things worse. Plus, I don't have enough gas money to go more than a few miles so I'm basically trapped here.

I have been on LTD for the past 4 months, which is a scam b/c the way they explained it to me I would have gotten money a month and a half after I went on leave, but instead it was over three months & they barely gave me any money at all. I am losing my home, I've lost my job, I have only a little soup in the pantry & I think I am starting to lose my mind, but see, I can't afford to do that so I need to try to keep it under control and force myself to sleep somehow. I'm just getting so confused. I think I've done things that I haven't actually done & I think I haven't done things that I have and it's all just a jumbled mess in my mind. The only things I do know is that I don't want to cry anymore & I'm so hungry & I really want to sleep. It's just so messed up. Sometimes when I do fall asleep for a little bit I dream about not eating & blacking out again (it wasn't intentional, I really thought I would be okay as long as I ate at least a little bit of something every day -- turns out 350 calories/day just isn't enough for me) b/c I just want to have a break from this all. But I'm pretty sure that's not really safe and I missed a court date the last time that happened and it cost me a lot of money so even if it is safe I don't really think it's a good plan probably.

I don't know. Things are just so bad right now. I just really need some sleep. The Lunesta people were really nice (too bad Cephalon isn't so understanding) and sent me a coupon to get some free sleeping pills, but those are gone & it is only one per year. My pain doc set me up with some free samples, but they're out of them for now so I'm on my own. I just can hardly see straight & I just want all the horrible stuff to go away. I know I need to work really, really hard to make that happen but I just can't see how I can do that when I'm so tired and in horrible pain.

I can't get unemployment yet b/c my ex-employer hasn't processed my paperwork yet to let me go. I am supposed to get 10 weeks of severance (last I checked), but again, my boss is ignoring me so I don't know what is going on. So I have no income from work. No income from disability (not that it was much). No income from unemployment. Just no income. I'm trying to get temp work, but there's no jobs right now. I'm going to an "open house" job-fair tomorrow to talk to a recruiter from my former temp agency (they placed me 5 years ago as a temp to hire at the job I just lost). Hopefully they will be able to find work for me while I'm looking for a permanent job. I did get one call already today about a resume I sent out last night so I guess that's at least encouraging that my resume attracts people's attention, but phone calls don't pay the bills. I just really want work. That way I could at least get some pain meds & some of my happy Lunesta. It really sucks, but I do have BCP, so maybe I will start back on those and see if it will help the depression. They have helped a lot in the past, but I kinda think this is mostly just stress right now. I wish I could think straight. I feel like I'm going crazy. Heck, I probably AM going crazy. I don't even know all I know is that I feel like a mess & I can't sleep right at night & there's just a billion thoughts racing through my mind about what I should have done, need to do, shouldn't do, could do, want to do, can't do, maybe will do, don't think I can do, think others should do, feel bad about thinking others should do anything, being angry about thinking too much, trying to stop thinking so much, trying to think about positive things & having my mind being torn apart in a tug-of-war between the positive things & the negative things & then wanting to just thing negative things so at least I can stop the warring thoughts, but then resenting that kind of thinking b/c I should be thinking positive thoughts. Oh man, I just need my mind to go to sleep for a really long time. Like maybe 10 hours. Or 14. I'm not sure. But a long time. It just needs so sleep. yeah, sleep. zzzz

I should probably stop for now. I'll write more later.

gotta go,
frances

Kitt,
You are so sweet. :)

I'm really scared of anti-depressants. I got Serotonin Syndrome from Wellbutrin & nearly died so I am really, really worried about trying a new one. I'm not saying that I maybe don't need one, just that I'm so awfully scared. I told the psych who was giving me the Wellbutrin that I wasn't okay (in detail) week after week after week, but he said I was in such bad shape he wouldn't take me off it & just kept upping the dose. My neuro finally stepped in & saved me, but it was a really scary situation. I know SS is really rare, but since I went through it I'm just scared whether that means I'm more likely to get it again.

I am going to volunteer at the Food Pantry at my church again tonight & will be sure to take as much food as they will give me this time. I am going to check into other sources for food as well. They have meat & fresh veggies at the one I started volunteering at, but I'm hoping maybe I can find one that has milk or else that can give me a little money so I can go buy some milk. I have started cooking with lard (usually I save it for making tamales) so I can get more calories in, but I know milk has a lot of good vitamins in it so I think whole milk or cream would be good if I can get it. I was trying to get my cholesterol down, but I think I need to put that on the back burner & start eating eggs (they have powdered eggs at the food pantry).

I like the idea about the restaurant. It seems like another couple close down every week, but maybe there is something out there somewhere. Or else maybe something at the hotels in food service. I think the main thing is needing my meds. I got a call from HR today & they are giving me 60 days pay & benefits plus 10 weeks of severance pay so hopefully that will help. I don't know, I have so many bills. I've never been in a situation like this before. I'm pretty scared. I'm so used to being somewhat in control of things. I was in such bad shape this past year & finally got through with my last surgery and PT only to find out I have no job to go back to. I don't know. Maybe something good will come of it yet (you found a job, so maybe there is hope, right?) I'm just so scared right now and I've gotta find a way to get some sleep. I'm going to try the happy people at Sepracor (Lunesta) to see if they can give me a little more help. My insurance said that now they will pay all but $70 of the 90-days worth of Lunesta, so maybe I can make that work somehow. I just need to come up with about $1200 more and then my prescriptions and doctors visits will be covered at 100%.

I'm trying to get some temp work b/c then I could have 2 incomes for a while -- my money from my old job plus whatever job I start working at. That would maybe get me caught up on some bills. One can only hope.

I hope you're doing well & that your sister is okay. I know I've been going on about all my problems, but I do think about you & keep you in my prayers.

thanks for your help,
frances

Thanks so much for the encouragement, Sam.

I am planning to still rent out my second bedroom. All I have is a 2BR condo, so no attic or basement. I have been working on cleaning my house this last week (since I finally started feeling better from all the surgery) & have just about finished. My place was a disaster with many bags of trash/recycling, 7 loads of laundry & all those evil mice that are coming up from my downstairs neighbor's place. I've caught a few of them so I feel a little better about that. The pest people agreed to help me out for free so that was really great news (they have a contract for our common areas, but usually bill $14/visit for individual units). I'm hoping to get the last bit picked up & moped & a few repairs made so I can put it on Craig's List this weekend and hopefully find a renter by March 1. The good news is that rent prices are way up around here so hopefully I can get about 1/3 of my mortgage covered by the renter.

I think between my severance, pay out from pension money & tax return I can at least pay off two credit cards. Then I'll be down to only one and that would be better. I just had so many medical bills from 2 years ago (picked a really bad insurance plan) when I racked up $17K in medical debt, most of which I put onto credit cards. Not the smartest idea. :( I've tried selling a few things on eBay, but haven't had much luck. I don't have too many things to sell. Most of my possessions are really old hand-me-downs. Not that I'm ashamed or anything, just can't get other people to pay good money for a 25 year old couch or 34 year old tables that are falling apart & were bargain basement even when they were new. I saw an ad on TV for a resale shop for clothing so I'm going to see what I can take over there -- I've lost a lot of weight & plan to gain some of it back, but I have more than enough clothing so if I can get money for some of it, great. Then I will donate the rest. It's a lot of suits & stuff from when I used to teach. Most corporate jobs are now business casual so I want to pare down my supply of business formal items. Too bad all my jewelry's from Target. I've heard gold & silver items are pulling big bucks these days.

I know the economy's hitting everyone. The hardest expense to cut out (which I just cut out this month) was supporting charities. It's really hard to think about people not getting products or services they need during their darkest hour. I know there are people worse off than me. One lady who came into the Food Pantry today had 15 young children. I can't imagine how a bag of food will last them for the next 2 weeks. It's so sad. Hopefully at least by volunteering to interpret & by donating whatever clothes I can't sell (they're all in good shape, just some are more fashionable than others) that will at least be something I can do to help. I just wish I could do more. But at least I feel like I've made some progress in that area. 10 months ago I felt I had no value if I wasn't able to put others needs before my own almost all the time. But now I have hope that what I've done in the past and my potential for the future will somehow balance out and be enough. Little by little, I guess.

I'm sorry I got so panicky about what's going to happen with my meds. I really don't want to go crazy. Going to the psych hospital sucks. They leave you on the floor all day screaming in pain b/c they don't allow any pain killers for psych patients. They even take away my Spinal Cord Stimulator remote except during recreation time b/c they say it could be considered a toy. I'm not really sure how giving yourself an electrical shock could be considered fun, but that's the deal. So it's just non-stop nightmarish pain where for most of the day all I can do is scream or cry. That's gotta be cruel & unusual punishment, right? I self-edit my thoughts pretty well when I'm not sleep deprived, but without self-censure I tend to say stupid things. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm saying them. It feels like a dream. The evil psych people try to keep me up night after night insisting that eventually I'll get tired and will fall asleep, but it doesn't happen. Somehow it all just gets worse.

I don't know when Lent started exactly, but I decided to take 40 days and every night to find a verse about something positive God has to say about me. Then I write down what I learn in a short paragraph. I'm on Day 8 right now & I look back over everything each night at bedtime & if (when) I wake up in the middle of the night. I'm hoping somehow it will re-program my sleepy brain with happy thoughts so I will say happy things instead of stupid ones when I get too sleep deprived. I'm pretty tired so I'm not sure whether that's just a really silly idea or if it's a good one, but I'm not sure what else to do about it. I used to volunteer for a crisis line, so all those canned statements in tapes & self-help books just drive me crazy or else I'd try that again. But I've never heard people give canned statement from the bible (though I'm sure they're out there somewhere, I just haven't found them) so that doesn't bother me so much. I've also been writing down jokes from different places. My favorite ones are the "sad but true" kind of jokes.

Here's my latest fav (paraphrased from Jake Johansen)
"GM announced it is introducing several new alternative fuel vehicles. Do they have one that runs on TEARS? because then I could just CRY into my GAS TANK and then drive by all the places I CAN'T AFFORD to shop." lol Like I said, sad but true, but it makes me laugh to think that yeah, all of this can be viewed in a comical way. You know what they say about if I weren't laughing I'd be crying. I'm trying to hang in there. I hope you make it too.

hugs,
frances

I think I'll flee the country with you and Kitt. Don't think I haven't thought about it.

I'll be 50 next month. I have no job/career. I look and then get discouraged and stop looking. My husband is giving me dirty looks that I'm not out there looking more aggressively. But, what's the point? Five million people apply for the same job. And like you, I don't like the mushy interviews. It's like just hire me. If I don't work out, fire me. Hellllooo? It's not rocket science.

My heart palpitations are coming back since I had to lower the dose of my beta blocker. There's so much to worry about. My credit is shot!!!!!!!!! I could just scream.

But I think you and I need to step back. Make a list of what needs to be done and work on the list a little every day. Also, let's remember that things will get better.

Oh man, I am totally freaking out. I feel like I can barely breathe & the room is getting all spinny. I am trying to get my stress under control & I just feel so horrible. I don't understand why there have to be so many stupid complications & nightmare mountain of paperwork associated with losing your job. I honestly didn't have this much work to do to get my job in the first place. I just feel like I am going to pass out.

I really don't think I can stand this much longer. I so want to just run away & not come back ever. I want to leave this nightmare home, this horrible mess with my ex-job, all these people that I hate now & every other problem behind. I alternate from being horribly sad to horribly angry and I really can't stand either of those feelings. I just hate everything & can't seem to bring that under control no matter how hard I try. I try to think positive & believe that somehow things will work out. I shouldn't even care that the people I no longer even work for are so hostile & angry and seem to really, really, really hate me and have a TON of bad things to say about me, but I do. It matters to me & I know it shouldn't, but it does. I can't stand it when I am making people miserable or when they hate me. I don't really need them to like me, but to have such strong feelings against me is really more than I can take.

I am supposed to get a packet from them on Monday & I'm pretty sure I won't be able to bring myself to open it b/c just thinking about it is too much for me. I just picture opening the envelope & it turning into a giant black hole & sucking me into nothingness. So I'm pretty sure I can't open it. Then I'm supposed to have a call with everyone ganging up on me to tell me how much they hate me & that they won't pay me any benefits like they first said they would. I am crying so hard & can't even get a word out to talk to friends or family b/c all I can do is cry & make these horrible sucking noises b/c I can barely get a breath in. I just feel like I can't take this, but there's really no way out.

I'm sure this all make no sense at all to anyone else so don't worry about replying b/c it wouldn't make any sense to me either. I have had family members die & haven't gotten so worked up, so I know in my head that it really makes no sense but that doesn't really help settle anything at all. I just really don't want that package & even more I don't want them to call. I want to just tell them -- you know what, F* you! I don't work for you anymore. You won't do anything to help me even though you told me before that you would & I refuse to take any more phone calls from you where all you do is spend 45 minutes being angry with me about being sick too many times. I know I was sick too much. I get that. It wasn't pleasant for me either & I understand that you're getting rid of me, but please don't make me listen to you trying to justify your decision to yourselves. I don't care that you can't sleep at night b/c that's not my problem any more. I finally get well & strong & everything and am ready to go back to work and you tell me not to & that's fine but don't turn around and then expect me to be all sympathetic about your situation. YOU STILL HAVE A JOB! Stop calling to tell me about your problems.

I'm pretty sure all that is a pretty bad plan, but I just can't bring myself to say anything else. Plus, my ex-boss is going to be on the phone too & she always gets hysterical herself when she is terminating somebody so I just know that will set me off. I just wish people came with re-set buttons b/c I would really like to start my whole life over from scratch. but that's not how things are so for now I am stuck in this miserable place, crying & shaking & barely able to breathe.

Why does life have to be like this? Why do people have to keep living when they are so miserable? Why couldn't I have figured out how to do the right thing sooner so I wouldn't have to be in this place right now? Why can't I find a way to get out of this misery & mess that I'm in?

Ben,
Thanks for your very kind words.
I don't really get anxious about interviewing. I kinda just pretend I'm another person & I don't get nervous. Mostly if I make it to the interview, I get a job offer. I just really hate going on about myself. It really gets me later in the evening when I start to think about how I'm really a pretty awful person & then I just get sucked into a whole mess. So I try not to think about myself too much b/c nothing good ever comes of it. ;)

What I am so anxious about it the package coming & the exit interview. I don't see how I can handle that. I feel horrible just thinking about it. I've got a couple Serex I could take left over from the last time I was in the hospital, but even though it makes me feel less anxious inside, it apparently makes me an angry, hostile person on the outside. I don't really have a problem with being angry & hostile towards my ex-boss. I'm pretty mad that they made me jump through all kinds of hoops, drive all over creation & beg and plead with a whole bunch of people at my doc's office to get that stupid letter for them in under 24 hours and now they won't even give me the benefits they promised to convince me to put myself & my doc through all that. But the hostility gets out of control & I don't want to get all hostile b/c in case a potential future employer contacts me that wouldn't make a very good impression.

I'm still working on the meds. I was hoping to use some of my severance pay, but not that seems like it probably won't be a possibility. So I don't know. Maybe I will qualify for that Mortgage Assistance Program that President Obama just signed into law. If I qualify it would cut my mortgage by 1/3 and I could maybe somehow manage to figure something out to be able to pay for my meds. I don't know. This is all just so scary & overwhelming. Well, I guess you know that.

Thanks for your help, though. I only got about an hour of sleep last night, so I'm having a hard time today, but I'm trying to calm down & pull myself a little bit together. I haven't gone to church in a couple months & thought it might be nice to see my old friends so I am going to try to get out of the house for that tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. Somehow I always seem to find an excuse to avoid most activities that involve talking to people. I just don't even know what to say anymore. I feel like I should have some positive things to talk about in a conversation, but my life is just really bleak right now.