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Arghhhh daughter causing anxiety

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Posted 3/10/2009 11:36 PM (GMT 0)
My oldest daughter (31 y/o) is really causing my anxiety to soar today!  I finally had to give up and take my Xanax just to try to calm down some.  Her and her husband split up a few months back, because she didn't have a stable place to stay she stayed with her younger sister for awhile.  She left her 3 kids with her soon to be ex.

She hasn't been living right since she left.  She has been partying and drinking alot, acting like she doesn't have any responsibility.  Not seeing the kids as she should etc.  Well evidently she is now moving back to Calif from Arizona and will be staying with my middle daughter.  She wanted to stay with us, but we laid down some ground rules I guess she didn't like.  But little does she know sister is laying down the same rules.

But all this worry has my anxiety up and of course stress affects my Crohns and I have been in the bathroom off and on all day.  Sorry to lay this on all of you, but I just needed to vent some.  I can only pray that this is the right move for her and she will get her priorities in order, get a job and then get her kids back with her.  If you are the praying kind I sure could use some and so could my daughter.  Thanks for being here and letting me get this off my chest.

A very frazzled,

Gail *Nanners*

Posted 3/11/2009 1:20 AM (GMT 0)
Wow....sorry to hear about your troubles with your daughter.  Just don't let it get you down and just try and stay in the moment.  Take care of yourself first then worry about others.  You are a strong person by what I see and read and I think you will come through all of this in spectacular fashion.  Take care.
Posted 3/11/2009 1:38 AM (GMT 0)
Oh, Nanners, you're going through such a rough time with her. I know you love her and want to support her in getting her life headed back in the right direction. It's just sad that she's not ready yet to make that 180-degree turn.

You're showing beautiful "tough love" by having set down rules if she wanted to stay with you. It's her choice not to do so.

I hope you're able to get some peace and balance again, so that your Crohn's won't keep beating you up also.

Love and big hugs,
percycat
Posted 3/11/2009 1:42 AM (GMT 0)
Nanners,

Is your daughters ex a safe and stable place for the kids? Is he a good dad? If so then maybe it is for the best that the kids are with him while she lives her life for a bit. It is better than her neglecting them or resenting them. In my line of work I have often seen women that have sacrificed so much for their family and haven't lived for themselves. When they finally get divorced it is so liberating and they just have to go out and live for a bit.

I agree that your grandkids need their mom. And she will be hard pressed to get them in a custody battle after leaving them for so long. However, if Dad is great and will keep the kids in her life and your life then maybe this is for the best.

I'm sorry your anxiety and crohns are acting up and I really hope you feel better soon!
Posted 3/11/2009 5:29 AM (GMT 0)

Im praying for you and your daughter Gail. You know i love you, email me anytime. You rock.

Maz XX

Posted 3/11/2009 7:26 AM (GMT 0)
Nanners

Sorry to hear you are having problems with your daughter and that your anxiety is getting bad because of this. Sounds like you really concerned for your daughter which is understandable she will pull through im sure and she will have her sister and you for support. Take care Nanners we are here if you need us so vent away.

My thoughts are with you

Ben
Posted 3/11/2009 3:43 PM (GMT 0)
My Dearest Nanners,

I am so sorry this is  escalating and I know exactly how you feel.  You have every right to be upset and setting down ground rules is  a good thing.  I also know it hurts us more then it does them to have to say no to their behavior and requests so please know you are not alone.

You know I am going through some of the same worries with my son in Oregon but I am at a loss as how to help in anyway as it is my daughter-in-law that is behaving much as your daughter.

Only when our adult children are forced to face the consequences of their own actions—their own choices—will it finally begin to sink in how deep their patterns of dependence and avoidance have become. And only then will we as parents be able to take the next step to real healing, forever ending our enabling habits and behaviors. You have taken this step and it is a hard pill to swallow as no matter what they are still our children but you are not enabling her, you are making her take responsibility for her behavior.

You will always have my prayers and support dear friend.

I want you to take care of you and  with your Crohn's the stress is  bound to kick it in.  I am so very sad that you are in a bad place but know you have lots of (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))  coming your way.

You know you can vent here anytime you want to or need too.

I wish you peace,
Kitt

Posted 3/11/2009 4:50 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts. I am blessed with an amazing husband (just so happens to be her Dad too) and he is there for me with his strong shoulders and strength helping me to get thru this. He too is very disappointed in her, and we are both hoping that she can overcome her difficulties and start moving in the best direction for her kids.

Fitzy he hasn't always been real supportive with the kids, but since the separation he has stepped up and is doing a pretty good job. Problem is my daughter was the kids main caregiver and was always there for her kids when he always wasn't, and my concern is for my grandbabies, as they are feeling so lost right now without their Mom. And to hear my 11 year old granddaughter sob and ask why she couldn't go with Mom, just about broke my heart. And you hit the nail on the head, she got a little freedom and ran with it.

She is now staying with her sister, who has picked up her own bootstraps after some serious failures of her own. So she won't get any easy ride with her sister either. She is going to have to get her stuff in order or sister will kick her out too. Just please everyone keep her in your prayers. I know the good Mom is in there somewhere and hopefully will get back on the right track soon.

Thanks again everyone!

Hugs,
Gail *Nanners*
Posted 3/11/2009 5:23 PM (GMT 0)
Aw Nanners, what a tough age for your grandbabies. No wonder this is so hard on you!!! At 11 I am sure this is MUCH harder than someone who is 2 or 4. I hope everything works out and I will be keeping your family in my prayers.
Posted 3/11/2009 7:16 PM (GMT 0)
i'm sorry nanners , you can only do your best and hope they turn out o.k., its hard sometimes with your kids, i'm sending you best wishes everything will work out, maybe she doesn't know how to deal with the break up, hopefully she'll see want really matters her little girl and taking care of herself.


big hugs
Posted 3/11/2009 7:24 PM (GMT 0)
..(((((((((((((( Nanners)))))))))))))
I am truly sorry for all this is doing to you n the DD we have
It is really made worse with the amount of stressors in our lives isnt it?
I also have a 34 yr old son that is out in Calgary and he WAS constantly calling me for money
I cannot nor will I enable him or his so called wife anymore
It breaks me heart to now the GK's are in the middle of all of this

I pray your daughter finds her way back
Luvs you friend
LYN/sis
Posted 3/11/2009 8:24 PM (GMT 0)
Hello!

I am praying for you and your entire family right now. I am sorry you are going through this and hopefully she will come back into her own again. She is only a few years younger than me and I know at times I want to still be young, out having fun, but ultimately there is the real world full of responsibilities out there. I think your daughter will see this soon, because this lifestyle after thirty gets exhausting real quick, plus she will start going through all of the emotions being away from her babies. I know you are a good woman, and if she is anything like you my friend, she will be the person she needs to be soon.

I do think your tough love is the way to go by the way. . . I know it's hard but you are setting such a wonderful example that she will thank you for someday.

Take care and get some rest dear Nanners :)
Posted 3/11/2009 9:09 PM (GMT 0)
(((Nanners))) I am sending big hugs and prayers your way, my friend. I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Has your anxiety eased up a little since taking the Xanax? How about the Crohn's? I hope this message finds you feeling a little better. I will continue to pray for you, Gail. Blessings, Julie
Posted 3/12/2009 4:22 PM (GMT 0)
Nanners, I am sorry you are having to go through this... But I'm also glad that you're staying firm and not letting your daughter push you around. *I've seen that happen with one of my aunts and my grandma* Please continue to stay firm. I don't want to see you (or your grandchildren) getting hurt by someone who is obviously selfish and in great need of a reality check or a slap in the face.

*I'm sorry for the harsh words regarding your daughter... I'm sure you raised her as best as you could, and you are a wonderful person. But people like your daughter get me so angry because I've seen what people like her are capable of*
Posted 3/12/2009 4:52 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks again everyone for your kind words and support. So far she is doing okay. I think this will be the best for her as she doesn't know anyone but family here, so no one to get in trouble with. She came and saw me at work yesterday and saw her kids pictures on my desk and immediately teared up, so I think she knows that she has some work to do so she can get back to her kids.

I and her Dad are looking to see some positive action on her part. We are not going to turn our back on our daughter, but aren't quite ready to offer any help until we see her make some effort. Tough love sure is hard for a Mom, but it needs to be done.

Using the Xanax as needed, but starting to feel a little better. I have to remember my kids are adults now, and I am no longer responsible for the choices they make. I tried to teach them best I could, now they are responsible for their own actions. Its just tough being a Mom sometimes:)

Hugs,
Gail *Nanners*
Posted 3/12/2009 5:16 PM (GMT 0)
Gail, it seems as if you are keeping a good positive attitude. You can only do so much. Like you said, even though they are your children, they are grown adults now. Tough love is so hard..... Keep the faith, and please know I will continue to pray for your situation. Blessings, Julie
Posted 3/12/2009 5:20 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Nanners,

Yes, it is hard being a Mom but you have done an outstanding Mom and I know this will be resolved and your daughter will be just as wonderful a Mom as you are. My prayers are with you and know you can always count on my, dear friend.

Hugs

Kitt

Posted 3/13/2009 4:56 PM (GMT 0)
(((Gail))) I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you today. I hope your day is a little better. Sending big hugs and prayers your way. Blessings, Julie
Posted 3/13/2009 6:46 PM (GMT 0)
Keep the prayers coming, she and I need them.
Posted 3/13/2009 9:11 PM (GMT 0)
Gail, will continue in prayer. Blessings to you both.
Posted 3/14/2009 6:27 PM (GMT 0)
Am praying and thinking of you and her Nanners
I am going thru major problems with cait as well ..........

WE are good Mother's and one day they will thank us

Luvs
LYN
Posted 3/14/2009 11:29 PM (GMT 0)
I hope you are right Lyn. Yours is still young, so that can explain some of her rebellion. Mine will be 31 in 2 weeks, and I would think it was time to grow up and stand on her own two feet. Time will tell, I guess.

Hugs,
Gail *Nanners*
Posted 3/15/2009 12:07 AM (GMT 0)
Ya but what about the 34 yr old ......he and DIL from Hades are still at me and
they dont get it
I WILL not give in to make sure her MSydrome is looked after............
She is addict for sure
I am praying for you my dear friend

Luvs
Sis
Posted 3/15/2009 4:21 PM (GMT 0)
Still praying Nanners :) Everything will work out because you are a good and wise mother. . . She will snap back into herself again my friend!
Posted 3/15/2009 4:42 PM (GMT 0)
You and Your daughter are stil in my thoughts heart and prayers Gail

Luvs
LYN
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