Help me, Please.

I am 20 years old, with a 3 year old son. for the last three years, I've limited who i am around and who my son is around. the only people around my son is my immediate family- father, mother, older sister (24), younger brother (11) and younger sister (3). i had my ex boyfriend around, but that was for about a year, from June 07-June 08 when he threatened to hit me. I have my current boyfriend around, but since the new year, he's only been around maybe 6 times. and the majority of those times, my son is asleep. my son also goes to daycare

but anyone else, cannot be around my son. at first, i thought that it was just guys (took almost a year for my boyfriends to meet my son). that was b/c i hoped his bio dad would come along, be a man and want a relationship with my son. three years has gone by and no such luck. so i gave up. but i still cant bring him around guys...

and then i had a female friend come over to jsut braid my hair. my son woke up from his nap, came to the livingroom, sat on the couch and i had what i believe is a panic attack, just b/c the lady could see my son.

another time, i had another baby and that mom come over, just as a playdate and so i can talk with a grown up! the entire time, i feel like i was going through another panic attack.

today. my friend had her birthday lunch. me and my son went to the parking lot. like i drove there and sat in the lot for 15 minutes. i wanted to go in- it was just lunch, but i couldnt do it. i started freaking out- again, another panic attack.

a few days ago, i drove 2 of my boyfriend friends home. it was a 2 minute drive! i was freaking out!

when these happen, i cant breathe, i cant talk. i cant think right. i feel like the world is going to explode, or that they will somehow harm my son. one of the guys had to sit in the backseat with my son and i felt like he was going to smack him- even tho this guy has NEVER fought anyone! at the parking lot, i was seriously hyperventilating, i wanted to beat the crap outta my steering wheel (when i get mad/frustrated, i get physically angry.).. i havent gotten that mad/frustrated in over 3 years (other than the time my ex threatened to hit me) b/c i know what it will lead to- i will start punching walls, people, things, etc. and i dont want to hurt my son, myself or let my son see that (his dad is also a woman hitter). so i control myself and my actions. but i feel like i couldnt today. i didnt hit anything, but in doing so, i just began crying my eyes out.

i dont know why i am like this. I dont even know if its real panic attacks. i am going to the doctors tomorrow, but i feel like they wont be able to help me. I am fine with leaving my son at daycare, why am i not fine with him being around other people- when i'm there as well?! how can i fix it? any other time, i'm fine- it just deals with my son. does anyone have any advice for me? or is there even advice to give/get?

Thanks! I definitely have anger issues. Growing up, we were never allowed to speak on our problems and if we did, they were never validated from my parents. Eventually, I just keep everything held in and then it'd just boil over. The last time I had a "huge explosion" was when my ex threatened to hit me (that was just some mutual pushing, June 08) and before that, was 4 years ago with my son's dad (physical fights, last one was April 05)... I haven't gotten help for the anger problems, but I have been working through them, like actually talking to whoever is making me upset and trying to figure out exactly WHY I am upset, rather than overanalyzing it, if that makes sense.

So far, my problems havent trickled down to my son yet. I ask his daycare teacher every so often, to see how he's doing with the other kids and whatnot. She says that at first, he was shy (his first time being at a center/away from the fam ever, was Dec 08) but now, he seems like he's having a crazy amount of fun. We also go to the play area in the mall (and now the park since the weather is getting nice) and he interacts well with the other kids there. But other than that, I cannot really bring myself to set up anymore one-on-one playdates.

I cannot wait to go to the doctors tomorrow. I am pretty sure they will refer me to a therapist, but at least I am moving in the right direction.

Hi Shy-dia: My heart went out to you when I read your story, and I wondered if you were able to see the doctor today and how it went. I hope he/she was able to help in some way. Please let us know how you are doing if you can.

Welcome to the family! =)

Many people have panic attacks, which seems to be what you are having. Do not worry. You aren't going crazy, and you won't go crazy. You aren't having a heart attack, and you won't have one. You may worry about these things when you have panic, but they do not happen. For some reason, your mind and body is fearful of danger, and you are experiencing the "fight or flight" response, which is a NORMAL thing for us to experience when we truly are in danger. Our bodies fill with adrenaline to give us extra energy to fight or run from that danger. Our blood rushes to our arms and legs to provide oxygen for our muscles. We breath quickly to provide extra oxygen. These things make our bodies feel tingly, make our heads feel dizzy or lightheaded, our hearts beat fast, and our palms sweat. What confuses us is the fact that we are having these responses in non-dangerous situations. Sometimes they are medical... our thyroid is out of whack, etc., and sometimes they are psychological... there's something bothering us that we don't want to deal with, or we are secretly afraid of something happening, or a situation is causing us to subconsciously remember a bad incident in our younger lives, etc.

It is good that you are seeing your doctor, but don't neglect a counselor either. Get on top of this for yourself and your children. And most of all, you have a great support team here.