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everyones judging me, what should i do!

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Posted 4/19/2009 4:56 AM (GMT 0)
tongue  Ive deleted this previous post because it turns out alot of people misunderstood completly what i meant to say, i realised i may not have been clear on what i was trying to get to, but never the less it has been blown way out of proportion and completley, total misunderstood.

Post Edited (Emz84) : 4/21/2009 2:55:24 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/19/2009 7:00 AM (GMT 0)
Ok I want to say first off. Before it seems rude or that I don't understand.. But I do and I don't mean to be rude or crude in anyway. But here is the truth.

For one you CANNOT support a family without a job. You can pretend and scrape by. But that is not supporting. You can live off of welfare and steal from those who actually do work hard. Do you have good health care, dental? If your son needs surgery or breaks his arm how are you going to support that without money? Let me guess welfare? Or are you going to rely on your sons father to do 100% of the financial support? That would be stealing from your sons father. In life you have to grow up rather you want to or not. When you have a child involved its time to take on some responsibility and join the real world.

Now to me it sounds like you are more so rebeling against the world. That those of us who actually like to have electricity, running water, and a heated house are crazy. Because those are luxuries. Those few things are not "needed" . But the government requires them to consider any place livable. So if you have any of those things you are going by what society wishes. I'm sure you buy cloths. New or used doesn't matter but you wear them because if you didn't society would have you locked up. Another way to look at it. I'm sure you take a shower/bath. why? Because you don't want to stink! Right. But who cares what others think? But you do it anyway. Because you don't want to smell. Who smells you but other people?

---The way of the world (above)
..........................................................................................................................................
No matter what you do or how you do it. People are going to judge you. Its the way of the world. Its nature. Animals judge each other. People do. There is no way around it. And no way to avoid it. You could lock yourself up in your house but your neighbors will still judge you. Family, friends, people you don't know. Unfortunately there is no way around it. And yes that is what a judge is for. To make a decision on the situation by what information is given to him/her.
I am glad you are living life the way you want to. That is the best way to go! If your not enjoying it and doing the things you want to do then something is not right. Just make sure in your life choices you are doing what is best for you and your son. Even if it goes against the way YOU want to live. Someone else is involved here. When you have a child its no longer just about you (I'm sure you know that).
about the papers. I have 2 daughters from a previous marriage. And sad to say. He can change his mind at any time. And if you are not providing for your son he can scoop him away without a problem. No matter what the papers are not Final. Just like my ex is supposed to pay 415 a month. I haven't seen a penny in 12 years. I would suggest finding something you like to do as a good hobby. And turn it into a fun but small business. That way its not work. But something you enjoy doing anyway. I have done that with candles, bath and body stuff and have done pretty good. This way if you feel it turns into a job or just plain don't want to do it anymore you can stop. No boss to report to no one to report to but yourself. You craft in your own time when you want to how you want to. Its rather nice.
In the end when you go to bed at night. Does it matter what someone else thinks of you? Their thoughts do not reflect what you do. Yes you might dwell on it and think about it. But what they think has no bearing on you. Yep someone might not like the pink shirt you so love. So what. They don't have to wear it. And they surely didn't have to look your direction. They did by choice. Just like you chose to wear it. Keep that in mind the next time you worry about it. If you really put your mind to work ( mine is way over active lol) Do you remember the last time you looked at someone and thought why would they want that or wear that? How long did you actually think about it. What maybe 5 minutes. Then you move on. Other people do the same thing.

I hope I have helped some. To ease your worries. I'll admit. I judged you first hand when you said you have a son and yet you refuse to work. In my mind working is part of life. No matter what form of work it is. You work everday. Taking care of your son. I'm a stay at home mom. My work is my family. Cleaning house, laundry, dishes, homework, etc is work. So remember that. =) You still work. Might not make paper money. But you make a lot of memories and "spend" a lot of time with your son. Its the most important job there is.

Take care
Posted 4/19/2009 1:56 PM (GMT 0)
Emz84

Good Morning and I am so sorry you are having issues however, I think you may do yourself a great service if you sit down and write out some goals for where you would like to see your self a few years down the road.

I hear a lot of worrying about what others think of you in your post and I am wondering why that matters to you if you are being true to yourself? If a person is confident and secure in their own self-esteem they are able to carry on and not worry about "what others think".

I know you want to do it your way but is there a way for you to compromise and have it both ways.  You have a child and you said you are a good Mom.  I am sure you are and that you love your child but every parent must be able to take care of their child.  As a parent we must meet our child's physiological needs. For the most part, physiological needs are obvious - they are the literal requirements for human survival. If these requirements are not met the human body simply cannot continue to function. You are the parent and IMHO you need to put aside some of your worrying about what others say and the "Why should I work?" attitude to understand that if you want to keep your child you must prove you are capable of taking care of your child. Can your child's Father come back later and try to take your child..............yes in the state where I live he sure can.

The courts can take your child if you do not meet the requirements of providing a safe and loving environment for your child.  I am not in anyway judging you just trying to help you see the light. 

You can be a free spirit and still conform with some of the standards set by society.  You can have it all if you want to.  I wish you the best and please know we are here for you.

Sincerely

Kitt

Posted 4/20/2009 2:31 AM (GMT 0)

Emz84 said...
And you shouldnt be angry for ppl 'spunging' off goverment unless they arent very nice ppl who use the money for bad things, some people need to.

Hope that clears some things up for you geez.

True- some people need welfare for quite extreme situations that are often out of their control. however you are making a concious choice not to work, when you are totally capable, and that is where the sense of 'sponging' comes in. Dont you want your son to value the concept of working hard for good money? Dont you want to set an example for him about what a solid work ethic is? Part Time employment would be great, wouldnt it? you could still spend time with your son whilst earning money to meet your essential needs.

Maz

Posted 4/20/2009 8:01 AM (GMT 0)
I am sorry but I think you should really take a step back. I swear I'm getting the sense you are not but a teenager. You are taking full advantage of a system that is in place for people in serious need of help. And that is "sponging". Weither you like it or not people are going to judge you. As I stated before. You are judging us without knowing us. Just by your posts alone. You have already assumed what we should and shouldn't do.

Yes you can live "free" by all means. But you are limiting your son's life by a huge amount. You think you are doing what is best for him. But you are blinded big time by "YOU" wanting to live free. Your forgetting someone. And even though you want to cling to him like he is a newborn. And hold his hands through life. You can't. You'll wait till he goes to school. Fine that is in 3 years. Then are you going to sit through all his classes? Make his life worse by the kids picking on him because MOM can't cope with him being away?
How is he going to deal with this sudden loss of his mom not being there 24/7? It will devastate him. He wont understand why all of a sudden your not by his side. These are things you need to think about. In all honestly your hindering instead of aiding.

I've gone through great stress, depression. NONE of which has caused me to not work. I have been dealing with anxiety/panic, OCD, depression, Health anxiety since I was 8 years old. I am now 34 mom of 3. Married at 17 had my first daughter at 19. She almost didn't make it. My marriage was horrible. I had to work to make sure my daughter had everything she needed. I am a proud person and take pride in everything I have. May it be the house I own the car I drive. To the brand new clothes I can put on there backs. Being able to take them to a movie, museum, play, etc. Yes I did that. I didn't decide to let someone else take care of me and my kids. It wasn't the governments idea for me to get pregnant it was my own. I would never wish for my neighbors to have to pay because I'm "FREE". In the end nothing you have done, received or purchased by the funds you get are yours. You depend on someone else to support you and your child. I mean you have access to a computer, internet. Am I paying for you to chat on the net? If so I'm not a happy camper. If that's the case they are giving you way to much money.

Everyone should pull there own weight in this world. Not except others to do it for them. You except others to do it for you while you stay "free" and live off of others who work hard to take care of themselves and their familys. I hate seeing my hard earned money go to people who don't, wont, refuse to work. It makes me sick. I spend hours a day working. Have for years. Then to see someone doing nothing taking full advantage of my hard work. It annoys the heck out of me.

I'm done on this thread. As it seems its just to frustrating. Good luck to you Emz84 hopefully you come around and join the real world. And your son lives to become a great man.
Posted 4/20/2009 2:11 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Emz,

I am not judging you, but I do feel you are very young and that time will teach you that living your dreams is wonderful until fate steps in and changes your life.  It is not the way others judge you or through any fault of your own but your dreams can turn to  dust in a New York minute and that is the one thing I do not believe you have learned yet.  I was like you when I was young, I had tons of great dreams about my "happy stress free life".  :-)

You posted "because what u are suppose to be doing is living ur dreams with the lifestyle u want"

I was happy and carefree and living my dream and loving it until the police officer and a priest showed up at my door to tell me my son was killed in a car accident.  I was living my dream until my hubby was dx with a life long disease and had to have 3 major surgeries, he has Crohn's Disease.  He was 29 and we had 4 children.  I was a stay at home Mom but due to circumstances I had to find work.  I found my love in nursing and went to school, got my degree, raised my 4 children and made sure my hubby always had someone to be there for him.....................my dream was my family and whatever I have to do to keep them safe and happy, to be with them and laugh and play with them and now with their children I do the same. Just having my grandchildren over is happiness for me.  I cannot give them a ton of material things but they do not need "things", they need my undivided attention when they are with me.   It is not a perfect dream but it is realistic for me.

It would have been wonderful to been able to kick back and work a little here and there and not worry about the bills, or college tuition etc but in the real world you get what you work for. Again no one is judging you.

So I will leave you with your own words, "ppl shouldnt be judged at all but looked at as an individual person"  Everyone has that right, you, me and every single person that has responded to you.

I wish you peace and happiness,

Kitt


Posted 4/20/2009 2:23 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Emz84,

I have a daughter who is currently 29 years and has a 6 year old son. She does accept government help and still gets help even though she has a full time job. She would love to stay at home with him all the time, but she does what she has to do to provide for him. She gets govt help and still works almost full time. But the govt does not pay enough for her to pay her rent, so she has to work to meet the additional needs she and her son have. Does going to work to provide the most basic of neccessities he needs mean she is a bad Mom? No it doesn't. My daughter still has great quality time with him. She buys annual passes to local entertainment parks each year, and on the weekends they are off having a good time together or to the local park and ride bikes and have playtime. She doesn't have alot, but she makes the most of what she does have. I understand your desire to be a stay at home Mom with him which I think is a noble calling. BUT, many courts look at who can best provide for a child. You sound like a loving mother and I would hate to hear you lost your child because you just want to be a "free spirit". The courts don't look at a parents desires, they look at what is in the best interest of the child.

I agree no one needs a big house, a fancy car, or brand name clothes. I personally have a fulltime job, but I don't own my own home, I don't drive fancy cars, and definetly don't have to have brand name clothes. I see your point about material things and agree sometimes society gets too much into "possessions'. You seem to get quite defensive about your financial situation. Its okay to live on govt help until YOU can get on your feet, but not wanting to work just because you want to be with your son all the time, is not fair or logical. You are now a single mother and your responsibility is to meet your childs needs. I think it wouldn't hurt your son to be away from you for 4-5 hours a day. It would give him time to spend with other children and learn about sharing etc, and give you additional funds to help provide for him. And it would give you some time to be more than just your son's Mom, it would give you time to get out for a bit and be with other adults and have sometime for YOU too, which is also important.

I am sorry you feel that we are judging you, but you have to remember its not the govt's job to take care of you, they can help yes, but you have to do your part too. In my state, you have no choice, in order to get benefits you must be involved in a back to work program in order to even get the benefits. Just like my daughter, she gets the benefits, but does her part too.

Good luck
Gail *Nanners*
Posted 4/20/2009 10:14 PM (GMT 0)
Emz84-  You dont know us or our individual situations. sweeping statements and generalisations wont help you. 

this is a place of support, but its hard to support you when you are so defensive and negative.

If its support and encouragement and advice you want, then you will get it here, but you are hostile in your posts and that makes people wary of posting replies.

All the best-

Maz

Posted 4/21/2009 2:28 AM (GMT 0)

I live in a county where 62% of the population is on some kind of govenment assistance.  My husband works between 60-70 hours a week.  Because I have two medical conditions that prevent me from working a 'traditional' job, I sell on e-bay to help out.  We do not have health insurance because we lost it when we moved from VA to NY and we can't afford it in this state.  Cheapest...$1150 a month for minimal coverage.  Yet on our last tax bill, we were taxed $1200 to support Medicaid, WIC and the food stamp program.  We would be much better off going on Welfare.  BTW, we are in our early 60's and have lost half our retirement.  So, please forgive me if I have very little sympathy for those who use the system by choice and not by need.  Raising children is difficult ...I raised three with two dibilitaing diseases, plus severe anxiety and panic disorder.  I could have gone on SSI when I was 24 but I didn't.

Being a 'free spirit' is fine, as long as you don't do it at the expense of others.  I wish I had had just one day in my life to be a 'free spirit'.

Donna

Posted 4/21/2009 2:39 AM (GMT 0)
Emz84:

You are welcome to email me if you want to chat about your situation.

Raniah
Posted 4/21/2009 3:27 AM (GMT 0)
Vestabula - not to hijack the thread but if you are disabled and can't afford insurance why don't you take advantage of the systems in place specifically to help someone in your situation?? You and your husband have surely paid into the system long enough. I understand not wanting to be a mooch or to milk the system but don't pass over what you are entitled to use. Your health would surely be better w/ adequate medical care and for that you may just need to swallow your pride and go on gov't insurance.
Posted 4/21/2009 4:42 AM (GMT 0)

Emz84 said...
 And to mazfire who said that she has had to deal with deprssion and ocd etc but still didnt stop from working, fair enough that is great that you were able to manage all that, u should be blessed that u were strong enough and brave enough to do all of that but just because u were it doesnt mean that others have the same abilities and shouldnt be put down and compared to someone who could do those things

Excuse me Emz84,  I never said that- I dont even suffer from depression. Please get your facts straight before you drag my name into something like this.

Thankyou

Maz

Posted 4/21/2009 6:16 AM (GMT 0)
Emz,
I want to suggest that maybe you talk to a lawyer about what your options are. To find out whether there might be free legal assistance available in your area you can go to the American Bar Association's website:
http://www.abanet.org/legalservices/findlegalhelp/home.cfm

I know you also mentioned that you are at times feeling too anxious & depressed to even imagine going to work. Perhaps a mental health professional could help you with that. In some areas there are free or low cost counseling clinics, but if you don't have one in your area, perhaps you could call around to various counselors to see whether any of them offer charity care or sliding scale fees. I only suggest that b/c I know what it was like for me to feel so overwhelmed I would become hysterical & self-destructive whenever I would start to get dressed for work. Seeing a counselor really helped me to face my fears & to be able to make it into the office everyday. Yes, it was still really hard at first, but I made it & now that I've had some practice I really enjoy being able to get up & head off to work in the morning.

Beyond that, I can only offer up one other bit of wisdom I've gained over the years. I've found that I've had to put aside some of the anger I have about certain situations that are out of my control. Honestly, it may well be that the absolute best thing for your son is for you to be with him 24/7. Not knowing the whole situation, I really can't say. What I do know is that our society expects single mothers to work. Not all societies demand that, but you don't live in any of those countries. There really is zero chance that you can change our society's expectations, so getting angry just doesn't help in this instance.

Anger can help in certain situations, but in regard to the custody hearing(s) getting angry at society's expectations is not going to help your case. If anything, it may hurt your case b/c the judge could decide that you are unstable. It may not be fair, but it is the way that things are. So really, you have only a few of choices:
1) relinquish custody of your child & move to a society that fits your values (result: you're "free", but don't get to see your son again)
2) get angry & complain about societal values (result: lose your son to either your ex or DFS)
3) find a reliable income source [welfare is not reliable & child support is only counted if your ex is actively paying it to your every month] (result: keep your son, but possibly lose some of your own "free-spiritedness")

I'm sure those choices aren't ideal for you, but unfortunately that's just how things are. We live in a society of norms & laws and when we choose our behaviors, we choose the consequences attached to them. People, including judges, do expect others to live according to those norms & laws. When individuals choose to live outside of them, life tends to become very difficult on them -- generally b/c other people make it so.

Perhaps other members of this forum could/should have been more gentle in their responses. Perhaps I could have been gentler myself. But I find their responses to be a fairly accurate representation of what you will encounter from the vast majority of people living in developed countries. So, I would encourage you to consider the likelihood of a judge, mediator, case worker, etc. accepting your position that your staying home full-time, even just for a couple of years, is in the best interest of your child. Ultimately, you need to try to put yourself in their shoes and try to figure out, from their perspective, what kind of person they are likely to entrust with the care of a child (employed vs. unemployed, well-funded vs. impoverished, agrees with societal values vs. wants to live by her own rules ...). Then, try to decide what you are willing to do develop those characteristics b/c that really is your best chance of being able to keep custody of your child for the longest possible period of time.

Best wishes with everything! :)

blessings,
frances
Posted 4/21/2009 10:56 AM (GMT 0)

Have you considered working from home? in a part time capacity? just a thought. please dont accuse me of judging you again, im not. im simply offering advice.

Maz

Posted 4/21/2009 1:27 PM (GMT 0)
I think we are worried about your sense of self efficacy and how that looks to a family court judge. Have you thought about working in a daycare? Possibly the same day care that your son is in? That way you can you can be there for your son and still be making money.
Posted 4/21/2009 2:46 PM (GMT 0)

To those who wonder why I'm not on welfare...

I got married when I was twenty and immediately got pregnant for twins.  My husband was in school and had just taken a new job and we didn't have insurance.  I went on Medicaid.  However...it took six years but we paid every dime of it back.

My husband is a college professor and I am a writer.  I have had four books published.  Don't think this is a money maker.  After the agent, distributors, publisher and book stores get a cut I only make pennies on each book.  My husband taught on the Military Bases when we lived in VA, and we had benefits.  But when my mom was dying of cancer, we moved back to NY to take care of her and now he teaches on-line for our soldiers in Iraq, Afghanistan and other war zones.  There are no benefits included in his contracts.  We are scraping by, because if the student load drops due to some horrific attack, he has no classes.

I completely understand why people that suffer from severe anxiety find it difficult to work.  In many ways I am fortunate to have found some things I can do at home and still help out financially.  I also suffer from fibromyalgia and Meniere's disease(a disorder where the ear fills with fluid and I can spend days spinning, throwing up and falling down).

We don't qualify for any kind of assistance.  We own a home and a car.  Plus a small retirement fund.  We struggle...but that's okay.

I don't want to depend on the government to take care of us anyway.  Too many people go on welfare thinking it is a stepping stone to something more promising in the future only to find out that they are better off staying on it.  And, of course, they are.  So it becomes a lifestyle that passes on from generation to generation.  Most people have no intention of this happening, but it does because by the time they are ready to hit the job market, they find they can't live on minimum wage..pay for day care...taxes...have no benefits...

True2Myself...that's all I am saying.  I am so happy you are thinking of doing something creative and pray that you find something that makes you a strong, independent woman.  Your son is lucky to have a mom that loves him so much...just don't get caught in the 'trap'.  Work hard on your passions and when the time comes, you may surprise yourself and not only have a job, but have one that you love.

Donna

Posted 4/21/2009 3:10 PM (GMT 0)

IMHO and as a moderator of A & P I feel this discussion is no longer productive as the original post has been deleted by the  member that started this thread.

My apologies to Emz84 for not being able to meet your  expectations but I do know the members that responded are good people and they truly had your best interest and that of your child in mind when they responded to your original post. 

The title of your post appeared to indicate that you were looking for ideas on how to prevent the courts and others from  judging you.  " everyones judging me, what should i do!"

I wish you peace and happiness and please  know that we were only trying to help you, not to make you angry.

If you have any personal comments my email is open so please do feel free to email me.

Kitt

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