Why is it...

That I can make it through my entire "scary" trip away, 2 flights, delays, new people/situation, totally out of my comfort zone without a panic attack but when I get home in my safety net where I know I'm "OK" I suddenly am plagued with anxiety and wake up having PAs again. I'm home now I'm not supposed to be nervous! I woke up this morning with my left arm completely numb, its still kinda tingly and weird. I know its just my shoulder issue flaring up for whatever reason but it of course causes me to go through the whole "oh god what's wrong with me?" list and I am jittery and can't sleep. I feel so out of it and my husband has already left for work. I just want to call him and have him come home and be with me. I know that's not an option really but I hate being alone when I feel like this. Its also not helping that I just found out that a guy I knew from a few years back through my roommate at the time just passed away out of the blue at 35 for no apparent reason. He wasn't a close friend but we hung out on vacation a couple of times and he was a real sweetheart and so young I just am having a hard time even thinking about it. I know this is probably a normal response but I just wish I could deal with it a little better than freaking out and having a panic attack and not being able to sleep and recover from my trip.

dixibella,

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now.  It's not easy to be able to take an enormous step by going on your trip and handling it very well only to have it all unravel again when you get home.  I read in a Claire Weekes book years ago that that is pretty typical with p/a since we spend so much time and deal with the p/a at home every day.  When we go on vacation, we are away from the same routines, thoughts and memories of the p/a.  When you're on vacation you are in a totally different place with new things to see and do, you break your typical schedule and you have no memories of p/a tied to the new place you are at.  When you come home, it's back to the same old same old of life and p/a is a part of that home life.  Hope that makes sense, I couldn't find the book to copy her exact words, so just had to wing it.

You hang in there, know that what you are feeling is just anxiety and it cannot hurt you.  You will settle in again and I hope you feel better soon!

I feel you pain and unfortunately your anxiety too! I have had most of may family pass many at a young age. My brother just died last month and I always think i am going next. It triggers attacks that mimick heart attacks and I totally freak out. i am 41 myself and have turned into a fanatic about taking care of myself. You are so lucky to have someone you love close, my boyfriend has not yet joined me in the move and I have been here all alone.
Last week it was so bad I almost called him to leave his job and just move all ready but I know I have to learn to be strong on my own. The chat rooms here have helped me alot. i leave my computer on tp the site all nite in case I have to jump on to help me through an attack. The most unnerving for me is the randomness of them. Just when I think I am fine it happens. I have realized that I dont have them through the high stress situation I have them after, like a delayed reaction. So I figure at this point I need to purge the expeience and let my stress out because if I don't my body apparently has a mind of it's own and it will cause panic. Good luck with things hang in there!

Dixi,

You have joined a whole group of "Bottlers".  :) That is what we do well.  We keep our worries bottled up inside and try to handle the world on our own because we are tough and we don't want to be a bother to others............well this is where we get to let it all out and ask for help so you just keep talking to us.

Vent away and do not worry, we will not judge.  We will however support you.

Hugs
Kitt