11-year-old with anxiety

Hi all,

I'm a regular on the Crohn's forum, but this post is about my daughter.  She is 11 and for years (about 4?) she has moments of intense anxiety.  It seems to revolve around a couple of basic fears: #1. Things are going as she expected them to go.  #2 being late #3 not being able to control her world.

I have always noticed that she has a really strong reaction when things in life don't go as she has "planned" them to go.  I guess this is the same as #3 not being able to control her world.  This seems like a silly example, but since it's fresh in my mind, I'll use this.

She's been wanting to add blue streaks to her hair for a while and chose to do it yesterday, with one week of school left.  It had to happen Thursday.  Could not happen Wednesday and certainly not Friday.  So we stopped by a salon when she freaked out about the colors not being what she wanted.  There were 4 shades of blue and none were what she wanted.  We left and went to a store to purchase our own "do it yourself" kit.  The color on the bottle was what she wanted so off we went.  The first time we applied the color it hardly took.  And, worse, some of the blue dye got on her skin (hands/arms) and she was out of control fearful that it would never come off.  ("Get it off, get it off" shaking hands in the air...)  I had her wash her hair and applied the dye again (now it's 10:30pm) to leave it on longer in hopes of a darker color.  Well, the color went pretty good, but it's not what she was expecting. 

This morning her alarm (and mine) did not go off.  We woke 15 minutes later than usual, but still plenty of time to get ready and arrive at school on time.  She was shaking and hysterically crying that she'd be late.  She breaths very shallowly, almost like hyperventilating, and is repeating her fears: "I'm going to be late!  I'm going to be late! I'm going to be late!"  (We were not late and never at risk for being late.) 

Again she starts the hands flapping in the air and almost like screaming, but more of a squeal.  Again with the blue on the hand (about the size of a pencil eraser), "get it off". 

I won't go through the whole episode and all the details, but it was an irrational fear and it wiped her out.  I remained calm through the time, helping her get her stuff together, but did tell her that her reactions were not appropriate.  She said that she does not know how to stop when she gets that way.  I remind her to "breathe!"  I turned on the tv while I brushed her hair, in hopes of distracting her thoughts/fears and pulling her into a rational state of mind.  It did not work. 

When we finally arrived at school (4 minutes early), she asked what she should do if she started freaking out at school.  I asked why she'd freak out at school and she said she didn't know. 

I just don't know what to do to help her.  This is only one example, but this type of over-reaction, panicky behavior happens far too often.  I'm just hoping I can get some perspective here and maybe some advice and ideas to help her feel less fearful...

Thanks for taking time to read!

Hello,

First off I'm sorry your little girl is suffering. I have 2 myself. 16, and 13 and boy are they handfuls.

Anyway it sounds like she might have anxiety/panic attacks along with some OCD stirred in the mix. (I am not doc or therapist fyi )

Being calm through the panic attacks is the best thing you can do for her. The next think is reinforce the fact she is fine. Don't react to her panic attacks just reinforce that she is fine. If you start to baby her, cuddle, or show signs your worried. She will feed off of it and she might not ever learn to handle these attacks.
Now I'm not saying if she is in full blown tears to turn your back. More so sit with her hold her hand and tell her she will be fine. But you don't want any reactions you do to turn into a "must have" in order for her to calm down. Because then she will have an even harder time moving out and progressing through life.

Most anxiety/panic attack people (including myself) live life on a routine bases. When we have our anxiety, panic "spells" we have our comforts, which can be as simple as pacing our home in the same fashion, rate of walk, and even what we say to ourselves. I also have to call my mom. But because my mom has been so supportive, I can just call. I don't need her to come over and sit with me. Just her comforting me over the phone is enough.

Next step- Get her some therapy, and visit the doctor. These situations that happen to her are VERY scary. I can't stress to you how horrible they are. You want to jump out of your own skin to get away from them. But can't so you have to tuck the fears away, scream, cry, and just deal with it.

I can understand her fear of her skin being that "color" forever. The fear of people laughing at her, of it growing bigger and the what if's. And they race through your head no matter what you try to do to stop it (this is the OCD part). And at her age it will be twice has hard to get her little mind off of the "cause" of the problem.
To help my daughter when she starts to panic to the point she paces and starts with the "what if's", I tell her it is normal and that I have gone through the same thing. (Her's right now is sore ribs) I give her a big smile tell her she is fine and that all is well. Then I go back to what I am doing while I keep an eye on her. She will usually calm down some but still pace the house and get a little moody. She will come back to me again with the same question and I tell her the same thing. She will then settle down and listen to her music.
IF I get upset what so ever. Including changing my voice, she will freak out.

Children are very easily excited. Which makes it twice as hard. And of course on the parents as well. The best thing you can do for her is get her to the doctor and some therapy to start dealing with this. The sooner the better. She is young and her little brain is so in touch with the world right now. Take it while you can.
This might be short lived and only last a few days, weeks, or months. Or it can be years. So teaching her now how to deal with them is very important on her future.


My doc had me put my daughter on benadryl which did and still does calm her. There are not many drugs out there for young children. Therapy will probably be your daughters best way. Benadryl is used to help ease anxiety as it does have a calming effect. But it can also make them tired and not able to stay awake during classes.

Btw cold cream like Ponds. Helps remove dye from skin. Not always but I used it on my daughters blue neck and it worked!! I hope your daughter doesn't get to upset when the blue turns green as it starts to fade, wash out. My daughter got very upset at that point.

Have a great day

(((HUGS)))
Cary-Ann

Hello and welcome to the A & P Forum. 

I raised 4 children and am the Grandmother of 7, one of the 7 has Aspergers.  ADHD and Aspergers often go together, and milder Aspergers used to be misdiagnosed as ADD / ADHD. My granddaughter was dx with ADD at a very young age, 3 years old and then Aspergers.

It is possible your 11 year old could have a problem but you mentioned she has had the anxiety for the past 4 years.  I noticed you are trying to keep her from having anxiety attacks by meeting her expectations, the blue hair which she insisted had to be done.  I am wondering if perhaps you may have some luck with her if you took on the decision making and how she would react if you just set some ground rules and she must comply with them.

Saying "No" to your child is never easy. When saying no to your child keep in mind that an explanation is always necessary, and your answer should be consistent with your other behaviors.

To make sure you are not seen as simply the “bad guy”, make sure your relationship is open and make yourself available.

Let your children know  why you are saying “no” and what they may be able to do to get a “yes” from you next time, or at what age you feel their request is appropriate, and why.

Remaining calm when she is feeling anxiety is the right thing to do so I commend you for recognizing that by remainging calm you are helping your daughter.

Coming here and looking for help is a positive step in helping your daughter.  I wish you the best and please know we care. You are truly a caring Mother.

Respectfully,

Kitt

Hi SR,

I think taking her to the doctor and getting her a fully evaluated (to include a psych workup, by a child psych and it might be something good to have someone who specializes with chronic illness too) is a really good idea.  Not necessary because I think that she really has anything, but because I think it is good to rule it out.  Because given the timeline that you set out I wonder if this does not correspond with your illness?  It seems like this started around the time your were dx, and she may have not been able to express her feelings about how worried she was about you.  And still might have problems doing that.
Do you think she might be responding to the lack of control she feels over Mommy being sick by overcontrolling her own situation (thus she is allowed to display anxiety about it)? This is a common reaction of children who are in "out of control" situations (like chronic illness of a parent or themselves) and is their way of taking back some control in their lives (especially given her cusp age, meaning hormone changes). Do not feel like you have to answer any of these questions, but I would like you to consider them.
Do you think of her as a high empathizer (you said she was understanding about your crohns)? Is she a super functioner?

Also children internalize our own tension. How are you doing?
Does this get worse when you are in a flare? (I think it would be pretty natural if it did, or she becomes a super functioner.)
I also suspect there is something going on at school that is causing an addition to her tension. 
What are her plans for this summer, does she feel comfortable with them? End of school tests? Summer school or camp?
I think getting her into a therapist is key! I would really like to see her get better. I think therapy might help her in creating more adaptive behaviors. 
Take care,
Navy

Good Morning SR.

I am glad to see you have so many great responses to your post and I understand you love your girl, she sounds like a wonderful 11 year old but even 11 year olds have problems and I so agree with Navy.  I know Navy is wise when it comes to looking at the big picture so please do read her post and take away from it some great words of wisdom.

As a parent we want to help our children and that is only natural.  You are helping her already by recognizing that something is going on.  Do not beat yourself up as you are reaching out looking for help and support and you have come to a great forum to find it.

Also do not feel bad about taking her in for evaluation both medical and psycholgical.  I took one of my own in and one of my granddaughters also has been to therapy. I am a firm believer in using the resources we have available to help us parent.

On a side note, my husband has Crohn's and was dx when all 4 of our children were at home the youngest was just 5 years old and the oldest was 12 years old.

I understand living with Crohns and raising children around a parent with a chronic illness.

You have my support.

Kitt

Good Morning and I see now where she would be afraid and very concerned about your illness and losing a parent, especially as you are the parent she lives with.

She has a very close bond to you and she is trying to be an adult when she is still a child. I think her counselor would do her a world of good.  She can talk through her feelings in a nonthreatening environment and not worry that she is upsetting you.

You obvously love your child deeply and this is a good thing you are doing for her.

Gentle hugs to both of you,

Kitt